Delusions of Ability

Something about the phrase ‘delusions of grandeur’ was going through my head today as I was stuck in the bathroom with my one year old, experiencing the joy of motherhood and diarrhea at the same time (me with the diarrhea, not him… although I’m not sure which would have been worse). Except I did not have delusions of grandeur… simply delusions of basic ability.

You see, I made myself violently ill by trying to essentially conquer the world in a few days. I tell this story of fecal incontinence and exhaustion in the hopes that you might learn from my folly.

My husband and son went on a trip to Mexico to visit family this week. I had half of Sunday, all of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and half of Thursday to do ALL OF THE THINGS that I want to fit in my schedule but cannot seem to find time. Some were fun, like having dinner with a friend for her birthday, others were meh, like going to a bunch of networking groups I typically can’t make, and others were dreadful, like getting a new birth certificate and applying for a passport with my new married name.

I woke up in the 5:00’s each day (so against my nature) and started the morning with goal setting, list making, working out, and other equally impressive things that motivated people do. My days were PACKED — literally one day I had a 30 minute break, and then an hour break (both spent driving) between the hours of 5:30am and 9:00pm.

I honestly thought I would CRUSH each day, one after the other, and in the process earn my own personal theme song (or something else super cool).

Mid-way through Wednesday I hit a wall, but kept going, because what else would I do? By Wednesday night I tapped out, and by Thursday morning I was pretty sure I was ill… My head hurt, I had horrible stomach pain, and I felt almost drugged. I finally decided to cancel the 2 things I had on the schedule that morning not long after I sharted while cleaning the leaves out of my pool.

Oh, stomach flu. What you do for self-confidence…

It took me literally crapping my pants to admit I needed to take care of myself. I’ve been useless since Wednesday night and am miserable, all because I tried to do too much for myself. At some point in my life I could have handled the schedule I made for myself, but not now. And you know what? I’m gonna learn my lesson, because ladies’ underwear ain’t cheap y’all and my dignity can’t take another hit like this.

I’m not sure there’s a good way to wrap up an article with so much shit in it (ha!), so I’m just gonna say over and out — hope you learned something.