The First Doctor’s Appointment

Michael!
Michael!
Aug 9, 2017 · 2 min read

Today I took what may have been my first step towards bariatric surgery of some kind. It was more difficult than I expected.

The first gatekeeper along the way was my bariatric doctor, who has helped me lose weight a couple times over the years, then watched helplessly as I’ve put most of that weight right back on. She’s an excellent and caring doctor who knows her field very well, and I feel immense shame at having failed multiple times despite her help.

Still, I needed her to sign off before I could proceed to a consultation with the surgeons to even see if I’m a potential candidate, so I had to force myself to go in and see her shame or no shame.

Without getting into details, on my way in I felt stared at by a guy who I ultimately challenged. At first I was angry about it. Indignant. Once I got into the office though that anger shattered into a complicated range of emotions: shame, frustration, self-loathing.

I hate crying. It’s not something I do, yet here I was crying for the second time in two weeks, and this time in front of my doctor and I simply could not stop.

It was doubtlessly just one of many humiliations I’ll have to endure along this process, but it reminded me of how I felt when I left college.

Every day when I’d walk into class I felt like people were looking at me, talking at me, laughing about me. Almost all of that was probably in my head, but it ultimately made school unbearable. It was a significant factor in both my failing to live up to expectations in college and me leaving school before I completed my degree.

Living a life where you’re constantly preoccupied with how you look and how people view you is not much of a life. Whatever direction all this takes, I hope I can get to a place where I don’t feel so damn conspicuous all the time.

In the meantime I’ll continue working in therapy, continue working on my nutrition, and continue trying to be more active.

There is no alternative.