Inflection Point

A Pivotal Period of my Life

Tian-Yuan Zhao
Jul 20, 2017 · 13 min read

Preamble — to a lot of people, a pivotal period occurs when a major tragedy hits such as perhaps obtaining an incurable disease, losing a loved one, surviving from some kind of catastrophe, etc. What I’m about to share may appear to trivialize those experiences, but it can’t be further from the truth. Because, it’s in my firm belief that one doesn’t need an external motivator to bring about these experiences. I’d argue that these experiences only happen during/after said externally motivated events due to a wake-up call. But my wake-up call occurred already at a very early age, when my English was good enough to understand Saturday morning cartoons back in the late 90s to early 2000s. It was a time when I could understand that there were people who lived under $1 a day but who still yearned to just go to school, but not only that as they ended up rising above the rest, move up the socioeconomic ranks, and eventually build multi-million dollar business empire for example. Rags-to-Riches stories aren’t just fantasy to me, because I’ve heard too many of it growing up about real people, seen and met too many of these kinds of people, and been inspired too much by how these countless underprivileged have been able to end up in situations that far exceed those who grew up in privilege. It’s for this very reason — the fact that I grew up in privilege that has always motivated me to go above and beyond. There may be a small percentage of those who go from rags-to-riches, that may just be the crème de la crème, but in today’s entrepreneurial/tech age, one can take a less extreme scaled down version of these stories. So, instead of rags-to-riches, for me — it’s more about expanding one’s capacity to give and contribute in a positive manner to a point that exceeds the average privileged person’s capacity to give and contribute in this world. And more specifically, it’s about having said capacity to give and contribute not only positively but in a scalable, sustainable, and systemic manner. How that manifests is in the form of say, building platforms/processes such as a company which can create an ecosystem/community that gives in a multitude of ways, building a career that’s directly about tackling any one or more of those UN SDGs, building a digital following that’s all about inspiring the next generation of critical thinkers in a satirical manner, and/or doing all of that whilst being credible enough to improve relations between a few of the most influential nations in the world which can bring about more peace and progress.

Intro — However I won’t go into my life story and instead ironically focus on an external event that did indeed be the catalyst for where I am right now — mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I understand that as I write this story, I may come across as “man, this guy takes himself way too seriously”. If that’s the case, I apologize but this is just how I kept myself motivated ever since I was about 8 years old and so maybe this self-induced pressure has gotten to my head or maybe this is how it should be. I personally wouldn’t have it any other way because for me, it’s all about logic, data, and sound reasoning — if those who grew up in poverty can end up becoming a big time VC in the Valley, then why can’t those who grew up in the so-called 1% of the world already not become the 1% of the 1% of the 1%? I’ll tell you why? Maybe there’s only a 1% of a 1% of a 1% chance that someone like Chamath can come to be, but once again, one can take a less scaled down and less extreme version of this by doing what was suggested above (my own dreams). And I’ve personally observed, met, and befriended many who’re like that. Anyway, let’s move!

What had occurred? Well, sadly before I can dive right into that, I need to set the stage. What was said above was basically all the administrative work to getting the venue and such where the stage can be set-up in the first place. But this time I’ll be merciful and simply provide a laundry list (in a loose order):

  1. Before early-to-mid April I was living a lonely lifestyle of freelancing as a UX/UI Designer for the most part and traveling (with a purpose, such as visiting the Bahamas last summer for an entrepreneurship competition to going to Silicon Valley last February for a leadership retreat called the Hive Fellowship). Another important event that took up about 1 month and half of my time was preparing for the Next 36 as I was a finalist of said program but sadly didn’t get accepted.
  2. I’m an extrovert, not an introvert. Freelancing and Introversion = Peanut Butter and Jelly. Freelancing and Extroversion = Water and Oil
  3. I only got into freelancing out of circumstance not out of choice
  4. I’ve never had a core-group of friends before (similar to the show “Friends”) but always had core friends, just not a core-group of them.
  5. I grew up in Winnipeg which means Toronto’s still a place where I’m trying to set my roots in; the long-and-the-short of it. My parents are still in Winnipeg.
  6. I’m an only child due to China’s One Child Policy and parents immigrating to Canada not in their 20’s but mid-to-late 30’s. I don’t blame them or China for this, because it made perfectly logical sense to me. Now China has a Two-Child Policy though but that has nothing to do with Western pressure and again everything to do with rationality, data, and sound reasoning.
  7. I possess an engineering (problem-solving) background and am currently a digital product designer (problem-solver).
  8. I had fallen madly and deeply in love with someone I shouldn’t have due to her boyfriend, but let’s just say she didn’t give me a reason not to.
  9. Throughout all my hustling to get out of freelancing I finally ended up with an opportunity called the EWB Fellowship, where I was given the opportunity to work abroad in Kampala, Uganda for a whole year (at least) with a fintech (financial technology) startup called Numida as a UX/UI Designer.
  10. This point will possess in and of itself a mini-laundry list of points: a) there were 15 fellows in total, b) EWB had put us under 3 weeks of what they call Pre-Departure Training (“Pre-Dep” for short and this took place at the U of T) prior to all of us being shipped out to our respective cities, countries, and companies, c) not all of us would be working in the same companies, let alone city or country, d) EWB had given all of the fellows the chance to live in the EWB House near Ossington Station, e) only 13 of the 15 fellows accepted, f) I was going to be working only with 1 other fellow at Numida, g) despite trying to go into Pre-Dep with ZERO expectations, they still crept up due to the sheer excitement, joy, and passion I had for this program as I had wanted to do this ever since my first year of engineering, h) these expectations were based on how I hoped this Fellowship experience to be similar to Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, i) for example, I had never had a core-group of friends for which I would go out Friday nights to party hardy, j) during the first 3 nights of Pre-Dep, I had befriended a group of 5 fellows that were party animals, k) we went out all 3 nights and only slept for about 4 hours, l) only 1 of the 5 fellows was going to be in the same city as me in Kampala, Uganda however not the same company (he was going to work for Mango Fund not Numida), m) during the first 3 days, I had poured my heart out to these fellows but had little-to-no reciprocity wherein I felt like the odd-one-out (like Rudolph being left out of the Reindeer Games despite partying with them; I felt like I had to force myself to be there) somehow during our partying, n) this isn’t to say I can’t party or don’t know how to, it’s just I had expectations of how the fellows would treat one another, that we would all be buddy-buddy, brothers-and-sisters-in-arms, incredibly willing to open up to each other, etc, o) this was of course not the case, p) if I had ZERO expectations, it would’ve all been cool, q) but somehow I developed them in an incredibly short period of time despite telling myself to have ZERO expectations prior to Pre-Dep, r) all the above information regarding how many fellows will I be working with directly is relevant to how ironic this whole situation ended up being, s) during night 3 I ended up being intoxicated same as the first 2 nights, t) I felt incredibly emotional due in part to the workshops we had during the day about anti-oppression and the like, u) I said something in the spur of the moment, v) but before I tell you what that was, let me just say first off — I may have had a lonely life but I’ve been very good at being independent for most my university life, x) secondly — yes it’s been difficult, incredibly so, but I’ve been able to manage, y) thirdly — yes I’ve had dark thoughts before, but who hasn’t really?, and z) lastly — before the fellowship I had wanted to do many things at one time, this fellowship was finally going to allow me to focus and hone in on something, a dream to tackle an SDG — ending poverty (now mind you, I’m fully-aware of the whole White-Saviour narrative; firstly I’m not white, but I am Western, so the Western-Saviour narrative is something I’m firmly against). But, of course, for me, it was more about if I could even make a dent in that realm, move the dial ever so slightly towards the positive, and be the systemic-changer than the bandage-solution bearer it would satisfy that above dream as talked about in my “Preamble”.

Now what did I end up saying that fateful night?

I can finally relate to Robin Williams, despite being this happy-go-lucky guy, he still had a lot of demons he fought with internally.

Am I suicidal? Was I suicidal? No and No! But, I still said it, regardless if it was while I was drunk, it was late at 3–4 AM in the morning, and it was in the spur of the moment, the damage was done. A staff member was then informed of this by 1 of the 5 fellows and subsequently, 1 thing led to the other — I eventually got let go of the program.

Now, the only silver lining in all of this was that — there was no hard feelings between EWB and myself. What ended up happening was that because they thought I might be a danger to not only myself but the fellows (ironically, again, only 1 of the fellows I’ll be working with wasn’t any of the fellows in that party-animal group of 5, only 1 of that 5 was going to be in the same city, the other 4 in other countries), they’d put me through a psychological assessment by paying for and setting me up with a psychiatrist. They’d then pay for about half a month’s worth of hosteling as I had left my rental from prior to Pre-Dep, and provide me with a daily stipend, as well as psych services with a 24/7 hotline and a councillor. Now it wasn’t actually EWB that let me go, but the company abroad who wasn’t being told what was happening as EWB had put me on hold grew anxious (since they’re a startup/social-enterprise).

What now? Despite EWB’s graciousness, I still felt like I fell from grace and had fallen into a state of despair. It was a low point, lowest I’ve ever felt. Without going into all the nitty gritty details, I’m now at a point in my life where:

  1. I’ve hustled my ass off though and had some success in that ever since then. I’m currently doubling down my efforts within the blockchain space. Having went on an all-expenses paid trip to Ottawa for a blockchain event, then to IdeaCity — hosted by Moses Znaimer (Toronto media mogul and legend), and having attended Camp Reset recently, I’ve been able to build a community now… But I’m still hustling for a full-time commitment, something like the ones in Point #5.
  2. I’m still back to freelancing, albeit hating it
  3. I’m also trying to start my own startup, in the blockchain space; though I’m not a hardcore software developer.
  4. I’m taking the shotgun approach to life right now — I’ve applied to the EWB Fellowship again, I’ve applied to another opportunity similar to it, I’ve applied to Code for Canada, I’ve applied for several companies with a couple good leads now in the pipeline, and I’m still applying to opportunities such as Wattpad Labs. Am I playing a game of catchup? Yes, not only to that lady, but to myself, the me that would be there already at this age if I hadn’t beaten myself up so much prior to this Fellowship experience. It would be to Tian that would have been and should have been were it not for my inferiority-complex. It would be to the Tian that should be if it were not for having a scarcity mindset for most my university life.

At the end of the day, it all goes back to that whole “expanding my capacity to far exceed the average of my privileged many to a point where I can give and contribute positively in a scalable, sustainable, and systemic manner.”

I’ve heard it all though — “don’t be so hard on yourself”, “baby steps”, “a journey of 1000 miles”, “don’t compare”, “let go of her, cut her out”, etc. But I don’t know, I still feel like none of those cliches help because nobody has been able to address this whole concept of privilege to me. Because as mentioned above, it’s not even about comparing myself to her or anyone else, it’s to the me that should be, the me that should be because of my privilege, and it’s also about the simple dream that nobody seems to understand. I’ve failed much throughout my life, I’ve also had my mini-victories… and so right now, it’s not so much about a job even though it is, it’s more so about identity and the kinds of opportunities I want to obtain that aligns with that. So, without further ado, my ask is this, if you can help me with this, that’d be much appreciated. If you can help me align myself better with the following realms, that’d be absolutely great:

  1. Product Design — I’m currently freelancing with a great client, been personally invited by Facebook’s Business/Product Design team as a member of their “Elegant Tools” community, and have applied to MyPlanet’s Fellowship program. I’d simply love a job in this realm that’s with a company that isn’t solving a 1st World Problem or at least has a technology that can be scaled to a point where it can tackle at least 1 of those SDGs. The 3 SDGs I care about the most are a) ending poverty and promoting economic growth/prosperity, b) affordable and clean energy and any environmental related ones, as well as all c) these 3-in-1: industry, innovation, and infrastructure, global partnerships, and last but not least sustainable cities and communities.
  2. Blockchain/Cryptocurrency — I’ve worked with a couple blockchain/crypto companies in the past such as Cryptiv and now with my current client there’s potential for crypto as well as having others in the pipeline. I’ll also hopefully have an article published on a tech blog about Canada’s pioneering spirit in this space. I’m talking to various blockchain/crypto companies such as CryptoConsultant, TokenFunder, and PrivacyShell. However, they’ve been slow. I’m trying to start my own startup in this realm via Wattpad Labs but also independently as well. I recently incorporated a company called “Digital Trinity Labs” and am looking to simply have that be an umbrella company to the several blockchain products I want to build. If you can help me with a) a job in this realm and/or b) obtaining a technical cofounder within this realm that’d simply be awesome!
  3. Education and Other — worst comes to worst, I take some additional schooling but not via post-secondary. I’ve already accepted as a backup to do Bitmaker Labs (after missing the deadline to apply with Brainstation, choosing not to do Red Academy and Hackeryou due to their curriculum, and getting rejected funnily enough by Lighthouse Labs) so as to make myself more employable. It’s a developer’s market out there after all, but also I want to be able to build shit without depending on others all the time. But, Bitmaker’s cost is simply too much, so I’m applying to Horizons, Level, and Mission University as well just to name a few. However, I’ll also be applying to additional fellowship type programs such as this thing right here. I’ll also be trying to take a stab at this whole international development thing again as I care a lot about economic prosperity and ending poverty so I applied to this program called Insight as well as EWB again.

I thank you so very much for taking the time to read this!

Update

April of 2018

My life has been dramatically/drastically transformed since this event. I’ve indeed grown/learned a lot and am in a much better place than May 2017. It’s been quite a poetic journey I’ve had. My journey since this event is reminiscent of this image:

Because since then, I was able to delve deeper into 1 of the 3 pillars of my life: blockchain & cryptoassets/digital-currencies (the other 2 being — design and social innovation). In hindsight/retrospect, I wouldn’t be my present role as Lead Designer at MLG Blockchain if it wasn’t for all of this adversity that I faced. I wouldn’t have increased my community involvement in the blockchain space throughout May of 2017 and beyond, had my grand European adventure from September to December of 2017, and ultimately grew to be mentally stronger, wiser, and more braver with respect to living up to my passions.

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Tian-Yuan Zhao

Written by

Toronto-based Digital Product Designer Who puts the “passion” in “compassion”

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