Love and its motivators
There is only one word in English language to understand love which is the word "love". The word "love" is too vague to be understood. People who fall in love can not define it as a result. To me , love exists. But what I understand by love is different from what other people understand. So here comes three Greek words that explain love the best. These words are agape, eros and philia. Agape is like love between God(s) and human beings. This means love without conditions. Charity is another example of this kind of love. And eros is sexual lust. This is a romantic love in other words. The main motivation for this kind of love is sexual lust which people term as romantic love. Philia is another word to describe love. Phila is a kind of love which is usually found in friendship between two people.
Let's see how these three words work. I think these three words can be found in a relationship. Suppose two people in a romantic relationship can be friend(philia). People might love unconditionally(agape). Though people love unconditionally might not hold true against the strong arguments of those who might claim that everything we human beings do has a motive that serves our individual interest, we are considering love between parents and children is unconditional.
Every romantic relationship is motivated by sexual desire. That is what I think. I think what young men and women call love is actually sexual lust in other words. Why do I think that?
I think their main motivation for being in a relationship is sex. They might be friend(philia). But friendship has little motivation for romantic relationship. For example, when I asked a women if she would fall in love with a woman who was her friend. She said that she would not. I asked why? She said that she was straight as hell(she is not a lesbian). As she can not have sex with a woman, she will not fall in love with a woman. It does not matter whether the woman is her friend or not. So this means this woman has a friendship kind of love with other women, but not lust for a romantic kind of relationship. So we can conclude that romantic love requires eros or sex. Friendship might be helpful but not mandatory. Many Bangladeshi rural wives do not have friendship relationship with their husbands(philia is absent in their relationship but eros is present). But they have sexual relationship with husbands which keeps their relationship going.
Ask a lesbian if she will fall in love with a woman, she will more likely to say yes as she is attracted to women, not men. This proves a point, whic is what I call romatic love is another word for sexual lust.
You may ask why do not people have sex with their partners in spite of being in a relationship for a long time. This answer requires detailed analysis of our culture. Our culture makes sex illegal in some instances. Religion is also a major barrier.
So why do not people understand that that love is motivated by sexual desire? Well, this can be explained by an example. A farmer selling products to the market does not know how the market works. But the economists or the students studying economics do. It is because of the fact that a farmer sells products in a market which he or she never try to understand. An economist will give you many theories about how a farmer is selling products in the market and why. A farmer can only sell you his finished products but never understands why he sells and how his products are sold in the market. I mean the farmer does not understand market machanism.
Another argument to supplement my point is, the old people and children do not fall in love as many times as the adult do. Why is that so? I think it is because the old people and children do not feel any sexual drive. They value friendship instead(phila).
Now let's talk about the triangular theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sterberg. According to his theory there are three components of love, which are
intimacy component, a passion component, and a decision/commitment component.
Passion component is either physical arousal or emotional stimulation.
Passion is defined in three ways:
1. A strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something.
2. A strong feeling (such as anger) that causes people to act in a dangerous way
3. strong sexual or romantic feeling for someone
Intimacy: Intimacy is described as the feelings of closeness and attachment to one another. This tends to strengthen the tight bond that is shared between those two individuals. Additionally, having a sense of intimacy helps create the feeling of being at ease with one another, in the sense that the two parties are mutual in their feelings.
commitment : It is a conscious decision to stick to one another. The decision to remain committed is mainly determined by the level of satisfaction that a partner derives from the relationship. There are three ways to define commitment:
1. A promise to do or give something
2. A promise to be loyal to someone or something
3. the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.
"The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components, and the type of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other." Different stages and types of love can be explained as different combinations of these three elements; for example, the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or three elements.
The last component which is commitment can be present in the relationship of older people who more often than not stick to one another for their children and support. Commitment is less likely to be found in the relationship of young people. That is why we see frequent break up in their relationships.