The Crafty White House Political Strategy Behind Zelensky-gate
TRANSCRIPT OF 8 JULY 2019 OVAL OFFICE RECORDING — DECLASSIFIED AS PART OF 2020 IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS AGAINST PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP
Staffer with the White House Office of Political Affairs: Mr. President. We know from polling that an impeachment inquiry begets outrage among your base and we get a second term.
Trump: A beget is like a long bread, I think.
Staffer: And Pelosi is the final hurdle to getting impeachment proceedings rolling. So, how do we get her to grab a pitchfork and join the rest of them?
Trump: You mean pitchfork like in the Wizard of Oz, right?
Staffer: That’s a scarecrow, Mr. President. Sometimes they hold pitchforks. I don’t remember whether the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz carried one. Anyway, here’s how I think we can get Pelosi off the bench.
Trump: For the playoffs. I like an Orioles-Tigers series.
Staffer: Sir, those two teams can’t meet … Ok, so this is going to be harder to pull off than I thought, but hear me out. Next week, the Office of Management and Budget tells the State Department and the Pentagon to hold back military aid from Ukraine.
Trump: Lots of money in the building sector. They let me operate one in Atlantic City once. Good investment. I like where this is headed. Keep going.
Staffer: U-kraine. Not crane. We withhold an amount — say $400 million — that most people won’t even notice. If anyone does ask, we’ll say you have concerns about how the Ukrainians are using our aid. It’ll make you look fiscally responsible. [Audible laughter around the room.] About a week later, you call Zelensky and you — and this is going to be the hard part, sir — you casually mention Biden’s son and the big gas company and, this is important, you leave it at that.
Trump: I’d like to mention all of that multiple times. Like maybe eight times. Or nine times.
Staffer: Nope. You just do it once and then hang up. You don’t even have to say bye-bye. Just hang up.
Trump: I’d like to also throw in some stuff about Bob Barr and the little weird guy.
Staffer: Sir, please do not mention Giuliani on this call. Or on any call really. Or ever. To anyone.
Trump: I’ll do my best. I definitely want to ask him about CrowdStrike. I know I had the high score and I don’t understand why the entire server had to be taken away from me.
Staffer: Mr. President, do not mention CrowdStrike. It’s not a video game — that’s Fantasy Strike and no one moved any servers. You can play Fantasy Strike as soon as this meeting is over. Let’s get back to the phone call. After you’ve spoken to Zelensky, we have someone from the intelligence community — they don’t all hate you, sir — file a complaint about the call. And then we wait.
Trump: Terrific. I love it. Let’s get started.
Staffer: That’s not the end of the plan, Mr. President. If we stopped there, nothing would … Anyway, at some point in the fall, the Intelligence Community Inspector General will have to tell the House and Senate Intelligence committees about the complaint, and that’s when things will heat up. Because you know who will invariably lose their shit?
Trump: The scarecrow? Wait. Pelosi. No, hold on. Elton John? Tater tots.
Staffer. Yes, exactly. Adam Schiff.
Trump: Great little guy.
Staffer: Schiff will demand that the DNI supply the complaint to Congress. Maguire will refuse, leading more Democrats to think they smell doom for your presidency. They’ll grab their own pitchforks, and…
Trump: Scarecrows.
Staffer: Yep. The press will begin digging up the details and the Dems will begin salivating, demanding transparency and warning of a constitutional crisis. We will slowly give them what they want — maybe we say we’ll release a non-verbatim transcript of your call with Zelensky.
Trump: But then they’ll see how I told Ukraine that unless they got me dirt on Biden we’d cut off their military aid.
Staffer: No, sir. We won’t let that happen on the phone call. That’s the point — there will be no smoking gun. And even if you do slip up, the transcript will be non-verbatim. We’ll just say it was based on notes and recollections of Situation Room Duty officers, or something funny like that.
Trump: Good, because guns are scary. Have you seen what’s happening with shootings in this country? It’s crazy.
Staffer: But we release nothing before Pelosi is forced to jump into the mix, promising an impeachment inquiry. As soon as she does, we release the totally boring transcript of your call with Zelensky.
Trump: Totally boring!
Staffer: And then we release the whistleblower complaint, which will also be totally toothless.
Trump: No teeth!
Staffer: So, just like after the Mueller report…
Trump: No collusion!
Staffer: Yes, sir. Just like after the Mueller report…
Trump: No obstruction!
Staffer: After that report the Dems were deflated. The same will happen this time, but it will be too late. We’ll string it out as long as we can so that impeachment proceedings distract the public from the Democratic primary campaigns, and the entire impeachment thing eventually dies with a whimper in the spring. Just in time for your campaign to take advantage of the millions you’ll have raised on the back of the impeachment garbage. You’ll crescendo as they sink below the point of any realistic hopes of survival.
Trump: Just like life on Earth!
Staffer: Sir, if we could just stay on one topic for a minute…
Trump: Weiss Macht!
Tim Townsend is the producer of “Optophobia,” a new comedy podcast about fake conspiracy theories.
