Toxic Academia | Part 3: Red Flags
As I sit here now, I wonder how my MS and my PhD experiences have been so different on my mental health and my view of the lab, particularly because both experiences have been in the same lab. Have I become more sensitive? Has my PI changed? As I’ve reflected on this, I’ve realized the red flags have been there all along.
When I first interviewed with my PI to join his lab, I was of course, intimidated. But he was kind, he accepted me despite my limited experience, and I quickly learned that the lab was mostly women. As a woman myself, I really appreciated this, given that this field lacks women and I was really attracted to a lab with an environment which was pro women in STEM. You may be wondering if there’s some weird or creepy thing going on with my male PI and him having a lab with women and that’s why I’m writing this anonymously… no. At least, not to my knowledge anyway. The experiences I’ll be sharing fortunately do not have to do with anything inappropriate between my male PI and the fact that his lab is 99% female.
The friends I made in the lab have been wonderful to say the least. I know other students who feel isolated in their labs, being that there are few other grad students or everyone in their lab works from home, and I am very happy to report that I joined a lab where everyone was friends and we all shared some camaraderie together. Surprisingly, a lab with over 10 girls, no drama, no feeling of competition with each other, all fun.
Red Flag #1
Fast forward to the second semester of my MS, I’m already in the lab — we do computational work, but the expectation has been set (primarily for the PhD students) to be working in lab in person 9 AM to 5 PM like a traditional work day, but there has generally been some flexibility regarding this. The location of my desk is away from the motion detector for the automatic lights so they have already turned off, I’m sitting in the dark, and it looks like no one is in the room. I get an email around 10:30 AM which spikes my people pleasing adrenaline. The email from our PI states that he has noticed the lack of lab attendance, there have been no consequences for this other than him getting mildly angry, never did he imagine that part of his job description would be motivating graduate students, doing science is a privilege, we need to stop abusing this privilege and stop taking advantage of him. Yikes.
Ok, this is how I processed this email. This is pre-Covid, so work culture expectations included working in person, and this was not unknown to us. I don’t think it’s unfair to email the lab asking them to come to work in person more. Secondly, my PI had a family member pass away a couple of weeks before this email. He is a human with emotions, he’s not infallible, and perhaps this is a one time weird situation where he is upset and (in my opinion) “takes it out on us” in an unprofessional way. That’s not unforgivable given the circumstances, right? Don’t take it personally, he’s just upset about other things.
Red Flag #2
One of the PhD students in our lab started the same semester I started my MS, so we quickly became friends since we were both newbies. While I was very much a people pleaser lacking a lot of confidence, she was the opposite, which is something I admire still today. Early on I noticed she had interests in her research that differed from our PI, which kept her from exploring problems “outside of the box”. She also got criticized by our PI for not coming into lab enough and for taking too many classes. And so, as the free spirited and confident person she is, she did not share with our PI the following semester that she would be participating in a program at school which helps with getting advice and experience for having a startup. Do most people in this program end up with a startup? No. It’s mostly for fun and for learning. In a roundabout way, our PI found out, and long story short, kicked her out of the lab. The details are muddled and I’ve heard both sides but in the end, my opinion, is that there was some miscommunication and some very permanent actions were made based on emotions.
Okay. Do I think it’s okay to keep something like this from our PI? Not really, but given his controlling behavior regarding my ex-labmate’s courses and direction of research, I understand why she didn’t tell him. I also don’t think it was a situation which justified kicking someone out of the lab. Not only was she kicked out, but finding another lab was really difficult for her because our PI has a lot of influence on the opinions of other PI’s. Being the people pleaser I am, I never thought I would have to fear being kicked out of the lab, because I’m a very transparent and open person that would never go against my PI. Simple enough, right?
Not a Red Flag
I learned that the lab puts on an annual lab symposium, where everyone in the lab gives a 30–45 minute presentation on their work in a formal setting. Still new and experiencing some imposter syndrome, I was terrified of both public speaking and also to present my project to a room of several PhD students and of course to our PI. So naturally, I obsessed and practiced and over prepared. I’m happy to report that my presentation went smoothly. After the big day was over, I got an email from my PI being very complementary of my presentation, and he even said it was the best presentation of the day. I promise I’m not trying to brag here, this is part of the story that contributed to my wish to stay in this lab for my PhD. I felt that I was establishing a good rapport with my PI and that he was saying “good job”, something I feel is rare in most work environments.
Red Flag #3
The last semester of my MS is flying by, and I’m excited to know that I will continue my research and start my PhD soon. Classes are almost over and graduation is just around the corner. I’ve been in the lab for a year, and I’ve gotten to know my lab mates and my PI pretty well. We even joke and tease and it feels nice to have friends and a boss I can be myself with.
One afternoon, our PI is in the lab and we are all in a good mood and just chatting about this and that. He’s excited because he’s getting a new sports car soon. Good for him! His current car is quite old and he works so hard, he deserves it. He shows us a picture, and I, teasingly, say something about it being an “old man” car. Did I mean this? Of course not, he was just so excited and I just had to slip in a tease. The next thing I know, a bundle of keys are thrown at me and I dodge them, with them hitting the desk behind me, quite hard. What just happened? I look at my PI and he is red in the face and shaking, clearly offended. I don’t remember his response (I was processing what just happened) but he laughs it off and makes some light hearted joke before we leave the lab for the day.
Reflecting the situation — okay, my comment was rude and uncalled for, I can admit that. But did it warrant having something thrown at me? And for that matter, keys? Something sharp and hard and metal? It wasn’t super serious no, but looking back, this is just one of many examples where my PI acted impulsively out of emotion that scared me. No problem, I shouldn’t have made that rude comment anyways, it won’t happen again.
Reflection
These are a few of many snippets I think about today, that should have helped me anticipate future challenges in my PhD. But at the time, I chalked up these moments of acting on impulse, out of emotion, and taking things a tad bit far were because my PI is human. He is experiencing his own challenges, and I can’t expect him to be perfect. And to be honest, sharing our emotions makes us more relatable, right? Our PI goes above and beyond to ensure we have funding, he sympathizes with us struggling in class, and he gives us praise for doing a good job. Plus, I’ve made a lot of friends in the lab and my lab mates are wonderful. Of course I want to do a PhD in this lab.
And so, I start my PhD.
XX Rosie Frank
