Day by Day
“Please, Papa God, help me & Ralf grow together in love and understanding.”
It’s the feelings you have when you look back on a moment and realize how lucky you are.
It’s holding his hand, outside his porch on a hot summer night. It’s feeling at home in his house, like a vacation from the world where all that exists is home cooked bisteak, the smell of his hair, and a queen sized bed.
And even writing this, reminiscing of you makes my heart soar.
Since you’ve awakened her again, she depends on you.
And the burst of magic that I feel as the bass drops is paralleled to the feeling of looking back as we climb higher and higher up the steps of the raceway.
Hindsight is 20/20.
And I’m so happy that I am with you.
Sitting next to you, with your arm around me. Staring at the magic that unfolds in the crowd beneath us. Lights, drops, lasers and visuals all floating around in my mind.
It’s about day by day.
It’s about loving intensely, fully, openly. It’s going deeper into something that’s unknown, something that could fall, but at the same time has a potential to fly (If you give it one.)
The moment by the bench. So simple. So much love.
Coming home after a crazy day, a feelingsy night. Where there was literal magic in the air being surrounded by light, sound, an arm around me and a loving gaze.
Hoping into a warm shower, soap in my hair, looking up and all I saw was you, and your deep brown eyes. There was you, warm water running down my back and through my hair as my body lightly tingled. And then there was your embrace: so intimate, so adoring. And I know you: how you crave intensity, passion, sex. But this time, it was different. This time, when I looked up through the suds and sprinkles of water, you saw my heart. This time, when I felt the hug, it was security: an affinity for oneness.
We changed, I borrowed your shirt. We walked downstairs to cool down, and you brought the blanket out. You set it on the metal bench, and it was the softness touching my thighs, the light breeze, the glow of the comforting yellow limelight, and the warmth of your hand in mine that made everything else melt away.
We started speaking, and somewhere along the ways, you say the words that have been tabooed to my mind, the ones I block myself thinking of in fear of the future. “Where do you see us in five years?… I hope we last.” And every time thoughts inch closer and closer to those thoughts, all thinking slips away.
I always tell my friends, I’m serious about him. I love him. But I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know where else we will be. I see us in Harrison. I see us in Mission. And after that… he could be in San Francisco. he could be in LA, or Nebraska, or New York. And me… I could be here… I could be in the Caribbean, or the Philippines.
It’s been my mistake before to sell myself short because I thought that love would last. I won’t let myself do that again. And I will not let Ralf do that. I believe in him so much. I am so proud of him. And this love, how different it is in the sense that I don’t need him here with me. I want him to chase his dreams and find his happiness. And helping him do so, believing in him enough to do so, supporting him enough to do so… is the most selfless thing I’ve ever put my mind to doing. And before him, before this, I couldn’t see myself as anything except selfish and flawed.
But this selfless love, has grown into something that overwhelms me, making me happier as a result. Empowering someone to reach their goals, dreams, and deepest desires, is a genuine love that somehow circles back to you. You’ve taught me to be selfless.
I care about you so much. I want you to be happy.
As I’ve learned this, I’ve learned how much I am scared of the future. How much long distance has broken me. How before, there were no doubts. There were dreams: a family, a pool on on the roof and an aquarium in the living room. Glass ceilings, dogs, names, places we wanted to explore. And suddenly, they were all gone.
And I don’t want to have those dreams with you, only to have them gone. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t want to have expectations. I don’t want to mess this up.
So when you started talking, that you want us to last, that you see a future with me in it… it both scares me and makes me so happy at the same time. You make me so happy. And every day I spend with you, I feel so blessed, so lucky, and so thankful to have you in my life. And if that was my everyday, I know my heart would be fulfilled sitting in yours.
But how can these promises even be ours to make? And they’re not. Because no matter how deeply we love, how much we want this to last, we can’t stop the hands of time. I won’t let us stop each other from living our dreams. It all stops when we begin chasing a false happinesses.
So I barricade my mind.
But like a river, you flood it open.
And you make me catch my breath when you want to take a picture, because I know you want me in your memory. When you hold my hand, play with my finger tips, let out a soft chuckle after you catch me staring from the passenger side. When you share with me the small things that make you, you, it’s crazy to think how I want to be part of your world.
Your house holds so much light and love. You bring with you so much light and love, making me step back, close my eyes, and breathe in the moment.
You’re the blanket in the back of Stella, keeping me warm and sheltering me in comfort. You’re Marshall right after HARD, the elixir or life providing sweet relief to a crazed lifestyle. You’re the one handing me acetaminophen after shallow unrest, unangered by the awakening with only a wish that I am lulled to sleep. You’re a soft kiss goodnight (“Goodnight, babe”), after we’ve already fallen asleep and shifted away (because you start sweating, as per usual.) You’re the moment: a Polaroid that captures the end of an incredible the weekend, but the beginning of a depth that takes my breath away.
And now there is thinking, wishful thinking. And now there is hoping, as optimistic as ever. Because when you took my hand in yours, that night, and the way you looked at me. Like I was the most special thing in the world. You looked at me like you never wanted to see me go. You looked at me while you touched my hair and rubbed my arms in your moonlit room and it was like you were saying, “thank you,” with your eyes. You looked at me with so much love. You looked at me with so much trust. And I fell asleep with the smell of your skin, your stubble on my cheek, and your deep brown eyes full of a love that I’ve never seen in anyone before.
“I feel like I’m on top of the world.”
“Because you’re rolling?”
“Because I’m here with you.”