A closer to the summer, what more could I ask for?
We took a trip down to LA. Back to Sylmar, back to your hometown. And I love seeing you there, I love being there with you because it makes you so happy. And there’s nothing happier than seeing the person you love at their happiest.
There were moments, those shining for a split second because they were again gone with the wind. But it’s in these moments that make life worth living, that ease the worry, that shelter the uncertain, that leave you breathless with appreciation, joy, and graditude.
A Giant’s game, poker. Who would’ve ever thought an almost 2 hour train ride in the middle of the night would’ve been so fun? Exhausted and sleepy eyed, it was a game where we’d, “raise 10 kisses,” “check,” to only “raise a thousand kisses.” God knows my tally is way above whatever I bet that night. And I could see you, amusement dancing in your eyes as the night was light and fun, a game of poker turned into a challenge of reading behind your charming, goofy smile. Your tone: playfully edging me on while trying to call my bluff. You teaching me with kind and patient explanation while something about that moment warmed my heart. I feel like I could learn anything with you there to teach me.
Disneyland. Who would’ve ever thought we’d go? The, “too excited to sleep feeling,” woke me up at 4am that morning, but once the sun rose and your sleepy arm invited me in, I swear I would’ve stayed in that bed the whole day. Drowsy hugs mixed with your face and it’s “soft-skin-meets-stubble,” feel, the scent of morning and the tenderness of your legs wrapped in mine send my mood into records breaking 10,000 smile/hr. Breakfast that morning consisted of coffee, hawaiian bread, peanut butter and apples all topped off with Sprout’s cookies. Who could’ve asked for more?
You showed me your favorite spot on the playground, “Where I go to think.” And I realized your spot is just like my beach, how there is one place that holds thought, holds sadness, anger, happiness, and sweet relief all in one. And as the night sky opened up to the stars, just like the beach, your spot held a thing of beauty. It was magic: feeling your warmth and hearing your, “I love you.”
Two swims. One night in a jacuzzi, and one sunset by the pool. Probably some of my favorite parts of this trip. Warm water relaxing muscles after a long day, literally drifting into your arms while you held me close, kisses and softness taking on a new array of textures, of sensations, of feels. Day two, as the sun was setting over the tremendous LA mountains, my arms and legs were wrapped around you in a koala hug. The best feeling, the one that sent butterflies into my stomach, began with, “wait, you look pretty right now.” And I looked at him and I wondered if that was how he was looking at me. All I could see, as the rays of sun poured down on two lovers in a pool, was the light of your eyes: shining and light brown, lighter than I’ve ever seen before. Pupils pinpointed in facing the sun, a dark rim hugging your iris. And for a moment we looked at each other, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being here, in the present with you. Being here and being blessed with freedom, with happiness, with love.
Hiking the wisdom tree. We climbed up the mountain, panting and sweating and stopping to enjoy the old view with new heights. You’ve come here a million times before: this is you showing me your world. We climbed all the way to the top, and all I could see were stone towers, makeshift towers that people from all over created to add to the aesthetic, to impress a crowd, to pile up stones metaphoric for wishes and dreams. Yet underneath, pieces of paper stuck out of each and every one. And there were love notes: some happy, some sad. Some wishful, some wounding. Some hopeful, some finally coming to terms with reality. I climbed up the wisdom tree, higher than I could’ve ever imagine. (I had never before climbed a tree). And yet, there I was. Higher and higher, more notes were hidden in ribbons tied around the branches. I took a moment to write a letter to you.
Dear Ralf. And then, at the bottom, Dear God.
And I wonder if you’ll ever see that letter. But all I am, babe, is grateful for you. And I would take each and every one of my days to make you see that. Each day I have with you is a blessing. Each moment I share with you makes me realize that this life I live, is one that I believe is worth living.
Last night was a night to remember. Tonight was a night to remember. But all the things to remember aren’t of what happened, but rather of the way you make me feel. Last night, when I got out of the lab and on my way to your house, the last thing I expected was to see you riding towards me. But I was so happy you decided to meet me halfway, like you were waiting all along. Homemade spaghetti and warm cookies after a long day, quiet conversation from across your island, and the twinkle in your eyes by the way you smile: peace of mind, peace of heart. Cuddles turning into bursts of passion, sex turning into thumb wars and more drinks. More drinks turning into a poker game of RISK chips, game night turning into half drunken bicycle rides across campus. And it was another moment: another freeing of our spirits by the freshness of the evening against our warm cheeks.
How does one get so lucky to experience these things with you? In your garage, mood throwback to Lafs with your tapestry and Christmas lights. and we’re watching Grey’s, and you put your mouth to my head in a kiss. I wonder if you notice how I pull you closer, how I run my fingers through your hair, how I want you to know that every ounce of love you give me is returned to you (and more). And its an unparalleled feeling: giving love in its entirety.
Although there are fears, although the future looms ahead complete with all its uncertainty, the ability to give you love in all its entirety will never be shed. Moments like these are meant to be held in pearls.
Driving back to my place, my hand in yours. And, “It just feels so right…. (Anatomically, I mean. But everything else, too.)” A laugh out loud moment, another one with you.
Another pearl, another peace of mind.
Peace of heart.