The innermost workings

Christmas day. A day to stay off social media and to be with family. I look at instagram, facebook. “Third Christmas together ❤.” And smiles and couples, kisses on the cheek and couples being cute. And I miss you. But it wasn’t like past Christmases where I would carry around some kind of resentment towards the fact that it wasn’t you and me, spending it together. Because you’re my love, the most important thing in the world to me, the one I love the most. And shouldn’t you be with the people that you love during Christmas? So shouldn’t that be you? Shouldn’t our parents understand, shouldn’t they have to say yes? Shouldn’t it be at that point where we plan, Christmas eve is at your place, Christmas day is at mine?

But it’s not. But today was the first Christmas, of the four that we’ve spent together including this one, where I was happy myself and not longing to see you,not taking away from the festivities of family to sulk about not being with you. And I don’t know why it was like that. A good thing, for sure. One that allows for growth, and one that makes me happier, in certain ways. But, why. and why do I feel like this?

Could it be the break up, the fights that we have been having, could it be that the passion is wearing down? Could it be all the problems that culminated to this event, all the things that are left out and unsorted through in my head? Or could it be that I am, and that we are both growing and I don’t just want it to be a change, it’s one I feel from the inside of my heart?

These past few days, weeks even, of me not trusting you, stem from the fact that I don’t believe that you love me. And that came out of the break up. That through it all, even though it was hard on both of us, hard on you when it seemed as though I was moving on, when I was pulling away because I felt like I couldn’t talk to you, hard on you because it felt like you were losing me, it was hard on me, too.

It was hard on me that week before you left. Hard on me when you broke my heart that day. I know I kept using it as a joke, calling you my ex, using it as a throwaway line to make you feel bad whenever I could. But when you broke up with me, that was never something I wanted, never something I decided. It was like you went and put our whole relationship on the line, without even consulting me. And that day, I swear, I would nod and cry, and you would praise me for being understanding, but there was a sense of betrayal. All the months you spent talking me up how we could do long distance. All the pisces moments and all our kids’ names, all the dreams we had together. You were my fairy tale. You showed me what love was. You showed me how to feel happy and protected, showed me how to fight, how to win not for myself, but for us. You were invincible to me, you were my everything.

And do you realize in that day you took it away from me? I know that everything that happened in the following weeks was my fault. But that week, that day, changed my life and our whole perception of us. We made promises to each other. We kept saying things, ease into it, making deals, trying to figure out different ways to soften the blow off of a 50 foot drop onto cement. But through everything it was still.. heartbreaking. You stole away from me the invincibility of us. It was like you took my faith and broke it. Yeah, there was hope for the future, yeah, you would still be there for me. Yeah. But there was a certain untouchability that our relationship had that I always thanked God for, that I always swooned to my friends about, that I always felt so lucky to have. And that came from three years of trust, of working things out, of secrets and inside jokes. And I loved that. But in that day, you took it away from me. And that perfect world was no longer perfect. Even though I know nothing was perfect, and it never really was in our relationship, I knew we could always fall back on our relationship.

But suddenly, the most stable thing I’ve ever had, my best friend, my most love, my all star.. took that away. And I know I hurt you too. I keep you in mind all the time. But I guess what was going on in my mind, is that if we are not untouchable, if you can suddenly have my fairytale and take it away, who says you won’t all over again?

In the same way you keep yourself guarded from not getting hurt when it comes to me going out, me and other people, I feel like I kept myself guarded from you. Never in the way that I loved you. Directly, of course. Because once I was in your life again, as your girlfriend, I don’t know how I wouldn’t love you again unlike before. But indirectly, I guess my mind couldn’t trust you. In some way that it would rather hurt you, rather give up and give in, get hurt a little by just letting us go through a fight and convincing myself that we aren’t meant to be, rather than giving you my all, 1000% blindly, and having you take that away again. It’s like, I would’ve rather hurt you first, than be the one ultimately hurt in the end. Rather convince myself that you weren’t the one, than believe you are and have you take away my hopes and dreams again. It’s selfish, the way that I’ve probably broken your heart too many times, giving up too easily and making you fight for us. And I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was looking for in that. Was I looking to see if you really wouldn’t let us go, in the way you did on August 31st? Was I looking for validation to see if you’d fight for us? Was I looking to let you go, taking all my pain along with you, because there were times when it seemed easier to walk away. (When this is a way I’ve never thought before.)

After the break up, I wouldn’t let myself love you any less. So I just stopped believing you loved me. And somehow, it did get to that point where it wasn’t just in my thoughts, but came out in the way that I acted. The way that we fought. Maybe because I felt like you’d take it all away again.