The one who got away

There are some times where I regret breaking up with you so much. So many times that I’m thinking that you’re the one who got away, so many times I look at you and I think of how great of a boyfriend you were, and although there were things you did that made me irritated, even though there were certain things that were off, things I wished were different, you did bring out the best in me. You didn’t really care about any other people or anyone who was involved in my life; you only really looked at me and cared about my happiness. And I’m crying now, go figure. I don’t cry when I think about us not being together, I don’t cry when I tell people how we broke up or why. I don’t cry when I’m thinking about my future, or what was supposed to be ours. I cry when I think about you, and how good you are, how much you loved me, how much you cared, and how I had to let you go because of myself. I cry because I know I hurt you, and because of that we aren’t as close, and I fear that we never will be. Your deepest fear is me disappearing from your life; mine is that you’re in my life, but you’ll never be yourself with me again, that you’ll never open up again, that I’ll be part of your life, but I won’t be part of yours, because you won’t let me anymore.

And even now, in the week we spent apart, I regret it every day. We talk, we barely do, and I get all those same feelings I did when we were dating, whether that be good or bad, I get them both. And I want to say I love you, and when I do, I don’t always get it back. Because I hurt you. And I see you going out, doing your thing, and I am astounded because part of me can’t understand how you do that. Even if we aren’t in a relationship, you’re my voice of consciousness, my guardian angel. And I’m crying again because I keep thinking about what you are.

And maybe because of all this pain, it’ll help me become better for you, it’ll humble me and make me less selfish towards us, if there will even be an us again. I can’t hope for it, I can’t just lean on that thought because I don’t know if it will be there anymore. Because I had to let that go when I let go of the certainty of us.

And I hope my heart finds and figures out how to love you in the ways that you love me before it’s too late. Before you’re the one who got away.