The Stress Factor

A good friend said to me the other night “ You need to write another blog post”. He’s right. It’s been so long my blog practically gathered dust. My reasoning is that something happened in my life which put everything else on hold. Anyone who knows me personally would know exactly what I’m talking about, and suffice it to say it’s a game changer.

I didn’t feel that it’s something I should write about as it concerns people close to me and I don’t think it’s right to publicise their situation. But it occurred to me that one of the main reasons I have been so unable to focus my thoughts on anything else is the stress factor.

I’ve read countless articles on the effects of stress, how to combat stress, and the causes of stress. But rarely do you read about what it’s actually like living with chronic stress. I don’t mean the symptoms. I mean the sense that someone has plucked you from your life, set you to fast forward and dropped you back in the middle of it. You never feel quite in sync with the world around you, no-one is on your wavelength any more (because your wavelength has now surpassed the speed of light) and you feel completely out of control.

I myself have experienced many of the joys of prolonged stress; sudden weight gain, poor immune system, lack of sleep, roller coaster emotions etc. No-one told me about the hair loss though. Yup. And sudden greying. I think I could give Rogue a run for her money. Minus the gloves.

The sad thing is, I feel ashamed of how my appearance has changed and guilty for being sensitive and off my game. Take work for example. Attempting to channel my remaining energy into admin seems like the most ridiculous thing to be doing. And if I miss something I immediately punish myself mentally for it.

At home I feel ashamed that I don’t look my best and I haven’t had time to look after myself how I usually would. I feel ‘less than’ almost every other woman around me because I gained a few pounds and my hair is a bit unruly. It’s amazing how, when emerging from stressful situations, the surface level stuff that has fallen by the wayside suddenly becomes paramount again and you feel like that kid in school with the shit trainers when all the other kids have got new Nikes. I am hit by a wave of feeling utterly sorry for myself. I think ‘it’s not fair! She has time and energy to go to the gym/salon/clothes shop.’

When we’re under stress, why is it that we so often jump straight to the negative? I automatically think ‘I don’t look good’ or ‘I’m not doing my job perfectly’. Everyone around me who knows me and loves me has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. Why do we struggle to say those kind, encouraging words to ourselves? Maybe because the stress clouds our judgement. And maybe there’s an element of low self esteem creeping in there too. But right at the moment you need compassion for yourself, it completely deserts you.

My ex’s ex said to me once ‘I wouldn’t want to be 18 again. Sure I have imperfections, but every line, wrinkle and mark’s like a badge of experience. I earned them’. She was so right. I wouldn’t mind the body I had when I was 18 that’s for sure, but I’m happy with who I am now. And that is born of the years of experience I have amassed so far.

So I guess next time I feel bad that I’m not completely perfect and am being a little nutty, I should give myself a break, realise I might be physically weak right now but I have the inner strength of a Fortress Woman (you know who you are ladies) and that my life is rich with people who love and support me no matter what. And that is really all that matters. The stress will wane eventually and I will have earned some new badges of honour to wear with pride. Move over Brownies, there’s a new Sixer in town.