One Way Through
Dedicated to PTSD Survivors’ Families and Friends
How to Help
A recent conversation with a dear friend helped me recall what it was like to be in the midst of PTSD, the signs that others may or may not notice, and the long-term healing process that sets us on a healthier path. This is not a formula, nor professional medical advice, but I want to help others — and if this helps just one other person, then it is worth sharing. Links to professionals who work with trauma victims can be found below. Help end the stigma of PTSD for all victims — war, child abuse, rape, loss of a loved one, and other forms of trauma. Seek help and know you’re not alone. There is life beyond PTSD.
Symptoms friends and family may not recognize or immediately connect to PTSD:
1) Distance or seclusion (I describe this as being underwater in my analogies)
2) Lack of participation in activities previously enjoyed
3) An extreme need to feel safe and secure — controlling behaviors that seem out of the ordinary for the situation/environment
4) Lack of emotion or depression (Note other symptoms of depression also apply here such as too much or too little sleep, drug or alcohol use, etc.)
5) Unexplained anger or temper outbursts
6) Low self-esteem (apathy or “laziness” that’s otherwise out of character)
7) Communication that implies no control over outcomes or events, no goal-setting, no future-oriented thinking (this may indicate depression or thoughts of suicide)
8) Flashbacks or trance-like states
If you see these symptoms in someone, please seek professional help. If it’s someone you do not know well but are acquainted with, contact a nearby professional and ask his/her advice on what you should do to help support the individual suffering. When in doubt, contact PTSD professionals and advocates.
If the victim can talk about what happened, let him/her talk. Do not pass judgment. Keep in mind that offering solutions or alternatives may be perceived as you blaming the victim — which is passing judgment. Be sensitive and a good listener. Also, know that if an individual seems to find it “easy” and life is going on without any notice of the traumatic event, this could be a sign the individual has not fully accepted what happened or is choosing to gloss over it.
The Truths of Lived Experience
First, I accepted that I could not change what happened.
Sounds a bit like wisdom and the serenity prayer, but it is the wise truth. In counseling, time after time of walking through my story and repeating the details over and over — my brain finally realized there was no solution to the maze. There was no use in asking “Why?”
I realized I could not go back, I could not change that night, and I could not — and cannot — erase the assault. Afterward, I pictured my body in my home and recognized that it was miraculous that I survived.
I embraced that miracle, but it took months and years.
Second, I secluded myself.
I couldn’t trust myself or others — and that’s okay for a while. I went to work, school, and counseling. When I did begin to venture out, I sought unhealthy, abusive relationships (for the wrong reasons) that I regretted. I operated in an autopilot mode of survival as though watching these daily events from a “safe place” instead of proactively taking charge of my life and making better decisions. In the dark moments now, the occasional eruptions in life that catch me unaware, I still live that shame. The trauma that occurred sent me in a downward spiral that disrupted my life and the lives of those who loved me. Recognize that the PTSD is not a one-day or one-month or even one-year period of time. The PTSD I experienced went on for more than a year and the aftershocks for well over two or three years. Give yourself or your loved one time. Patience, not pressure, is key.
Third, I sought professional help.
I found a counselor who helped me deal with much of the myth surrounding assaults on women in our society. The logical analogies he presented worked, and, eventually, I began to come out of the spiral. I developed a healthier perspective and self-esteem, though it took time. I exercised and ate healthier, which was huge. In the early days, when I suffered setbacks or consequences of those terrible relationship choices, I went for long periods without eating or sleeping — those poor health decisions haunt me still as I try to be better each day, to teach my son healthy habits, to live for my Savior and try to help and serve others. Take care of your body physically and it will help your mentality and moods. Body and mind are inextricably linked and both need to be cared for.
Fourth, I named and described what real love should look like.
It is not the popular songs on the radio or iTunes. It is not the silly films or television/streaming shows, or the roller-coaster drama to which many become addicted. Real love is caring and sacrifice, attention and understanding, forgiveness and respect — it is healthy and sustaining, not mistrusting or dishonest, possessive or abusive.
Fifth, trauma is not something most people understand — know this and be part of the change to end the stigma and educate the ignorant.
Family may not comprehend what has happened or they may want to distance themselves from the truth of the experience. Let them. Don’t engage with them if they are abusive, unsupportive, or insulting. Until they are respectful in their communication and treatment of you, avoid them, or recommend they find their own support via the many organizations available to counsel families going through crisis. Find your support outside of family and in the professional forum via counselors, groups, and organizations. There are many wonderful resources out there for victims and indirect victims of trauma. People want to help; some just don’t know how. If you’re trying to help someone, be patient. Support them through professional treatment, or help them seek help.
I’m grateful for the support I received from those close to me and those who tried to get through to me, during and after, and I’m incredibly thankful for the heart that I have now for those who suffered what I did. Last bit of advice: write your story. For your own well-being, get it out and on paper, if only for yourself. If you can, share your story with others who may need help or who can’t talk about their own experience. You may find more support as you identify with others advocating for change and education. The more we help and connect with one another, the stronger voice we have and the greater opportunity for education in all areas of society. You are NOT alone.
Resources for trauma victims and families:
— National Center for PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/where-to-get-help.asp
— New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault: http://www.svfreenyc.org/survivors_factsheet_43.html
— PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journey.html
Thank you for reading. I hope this helps you or someone you care about along their road to healing. While you’re here, please clap and follow. We all need a helping hand, and I appreciate you helping me to hopefully help others.
