I Don’t Want to See Your Panties, Muffin-Top, or Labia 

Ten Self-explanatory Fashion Rules

Just because it is in Vogue does not mean that you should wear it. Some fashion trends are not your friend. They may look good in a magazine or on the catwalk but in everyday life, they (and consequently you) look absolutely bonkers.

Here is my list of things to never fucking wear:

1. The crop top. Please resist this urge at all costs, unless you are under the age of 6 or a hooker.

2. These fucking things. Either wear sneakers or wear high heels; you cannot and SHOULD not wear a ridiculous combination of the two.

3. Anything bedazzled. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not make me explain this to you.

4. This goblin-like makeup, that I see in every fashion magazine, makes you look like a god dammed clown. So unless you are auditioning for the fucking circus or already live under the Big Top, flush that Bozo makeup down the toilet. (Also, don’t get me started on those caterpillars above her eyes.)

5. High heels paired with socks only exudes, “I’m an indecisive shit-show.”

6. This rule also applies to high heels and leg warmers.

7. I see London, I see France … If I can see your entire pair of panties, you are “doing” sheer terribly fucking wrong.

8. Unless you are buddies with Lewis + Clark and are embarking upon the great exploration of the Western United States, don’t wear these atrocities of the footwear world.

9. DO NOT make me stare and fight my gag reflex until I finally realize that you do, indeed, have pants on. Stay away from anything form fitting and the exact fucking color of your skin.

10. And the rule that rules them all. If your skirt is wider than it is long, I can probably see your labia.

You are welcome.