My Foster Children Have Too Many Toys— but let me tell you what they do need.

We already have a lot of stuffed animals. Boxes and baskets galore are already filled to the brim with toys and books. Our closets are full of blankets.

I know you want to help, and I appreciate that, but giving us another teddy bear will do more for your own heart than our foster child’s heart.

I don’t have a babysitter, though.

Please babysit instead. Seriously. I really need a babysitter. The foster child you want to support has three doctors appointments this week and without a babysitter I am going to have to somehow manage to attend all these appointments with a van full of kids in tow.

I get this question a lot, “What can I do to support children in foster care?”

Just about every person I meet wants to do something to get involved in helping foster children, but for whatever reason(s) they can’t personally foster. I don’t find any fault in their inability to foster. It’s very true, not everybody can become a foster parent.

Of course, there are numerous non-profit organizations offering support to children in foster care. They offer gifts, care packages, school supplies, and other goodies that remind the child in foster care that he or she is loved and valued. I don’t find any fault in this either. I’m glad that these organizations do what they can to provide advocacy and awareness of the foster crisis in the United States and do what they can to get the community involved.

However, I think we all realize that there are only so many pencils and puzzles a child really needs.

I think we can all agree that what children in foster care need, more than any item that can fit inside a backpack, is a safe, loving, family to foster them while their parents work at correcting whatever issues brought them into care in the first place. Do you see the dilemma? We have aready established that not everyone can foster. So aside from buying presents, is there anything else we can do to help foster children? Yes, I think there is.

Here is my proposition:

If you cannot personally foster but want to to make a meaningful impact in foster children’s lives,

You can best help children in foster care by supporting the families who are fostering, so that they can continue to effectively foster.

It’s pretty simple and kind of obvious.

But, this idea has also been kind of lost. We tend to focus so much on what we can do for foster children we neglect to realize the foster families are the ones who know the ins and outs of the chidren’s specific needs and sometimes when we buy a gift or pack a backpack we in essence wipe our hands clean of the long term committment that it really takes to love foster children well and leave foster parents to shoulder that burden alone. We justify our lack of action by thinking, “Well, I can’t foster, so the best I can do is buy a foster child something.” I want to give you an alternative to that mindset.

If we do an excellent job taking care of foster families, we will not only enable them to persevere through challenges and continue to provide care, but we will also change the negative stereotypes often associated with foster parents and attract more qualified families to become foster parents themselves, and this effort will help provide the single greatest need for children in foster care — a loving home.

Of course, I am not implying that there is not a need to also reach out to and support the biological families who are seeking to be reunified with their children. There is a huge need in that area as well, and to support children in foster care we really need to simultaneously support their foster parents while assisting their biological parents to get back on track if their biological parents desire that assistance. But, the topic of this article is supporting the foster family.

TOP TEN WAYS TO SUPPORT FAMILIES WHO FOSTER:

1. Babysit. This is the number one biggest need our family has. Foster children bring with them buckets of appointments; family visits, doctors, therapies, etc. Let a local foster family know you are available to babysit. Stress your sincerity in this matter by giving the family a list of your available hours and letting them know you want to commit to x hours every month as the way you have chosen to support foster children. Give them “Babysitting Coupons” for free babysitting in lieu of other gifts. I promise, it will be the best present a foster parent has ever received. If the family tries to pay you, don’t accept it. Contrary to popular belief, foster families are not getting big paychecks from the state.

2. Make a commitment to take on a weekly or biweekly household task for a foster family. Maybe you can help take care of the lawn, maybe you will come over a couple of hours each week to clean the bathrooms, or do all the floors, or fold laundry. Whatever it is, it will matter. It will matter a lot. Fostering is exhausting. It’s not just an extra child or two, or three, or four. It’s a continual emotional roller coaster, fraught with frustration and aggravation with a broken system, coupled with the necessaity to learn how to parent seriously hurting children all the while receiving very little professional guidance or assistance in the process. The promise of clean socks come Monday will somehow make it all easier, I promise.

3. Pick up some extra items when you go grocery shopping. Some of the best things are quick meal ideas and snack items. Check with the family first about freezer space, but word it like this, “Hey, I have some extra frozen things I want to bring by, do you have any freezer space?” so they don’t feel uncomfortable accepting your offer. Snack food items like yogurt, cheese-sticks, pudding, individually wrapped snacks, and juice boxes will help the family if they need to eat on the run or hold little ones over for an unexpected dinner delay. These little blessings always remind me that we are not alone and when I know someone thought about my family while they were at the store shopping for their own family, I am deeply humbled and encouraged. Just today someone brought us some Goldfish and fruit snacks. It’s a game changer. Really, it is.

4. Offer to help with with transportation. Many foster families find themselves in a pinch when foster children have appointments at the same time as other commitments. If you know a child of a foster family (whether that child is biological or a foster child) who needs to go to the same place your child does, offer to help with pick up or drop off. If you are willing to accompany a foster parent to appointments just to be some additional company and support, let the family know!

5. Sponsor extracurricular activities for a foster child. Not being able to afford lessons or sports for foster children can cause many foster parents to discontinue activities with their biological children as well to avoid feelings of jealousy their foster children may have. Discuss this point with the family. Ask them if there is something the foster child (or even the biological child) would like to participate in, and offer to pay for it for the foster child. If you can offer lessons yourself, do that, or if you are a community organization that offers lessons or activities, consider waiving fees for children in foster care. This has the potential to have a tremendous impact on a child in foster care who quite possibly has never participated in organized sports or music lessons, etc. before and, at the same time, gives the foster parent a little break while the child enjoys a positive outlet.

6. Together with a small group, plan to provide one meal a week on a consistent night. This is especially helpful for the first few weeks after a new foster placement arrives when appointments are at their craziest. If a meal isn’t feasible stick with item 3.

7. Take the children out to do something fun. It’s incredible to have a babysitter at my house so I can get things done outside the house, but it is just as incredible to have the children go out, so I can get everything done at home. With additional children, the cost of these outings gets overwhelming. How about bowling, or going to see a movie? Or just going to your house to watch a movie? It gives foster families a bit of down time and also gives the kids something special to look forward to. This is something easy for church youth groups to do. Host a children’s fun night once a month, and let parents get done what needs to be done at home.

(The next three also serve as guidelines for all of the above to keep in mind as you encounter foster families in your communities.)

8. Remember the family’s biological children as you seek to minister to the foster children. Children are children, and it’s been hard at times for my young biological children to watch their foster siblings get showered with gifts and opportunities to do special, fun, things and feel left out. If you are from a community organization supporting foster kids, this is something important to consider but is often overlooked. My little ones have experienced some real hurt in this regard. One time a CASA volunteer brought 3 enormous Easter baskets for only the kids in foster care. All of the children were home so there was nothing we could really do to soften the blow. All of the children had already received much simpler Easter baskets from us. It’s a hard thing for three and four year olds to understand why they wouldn’t get an Easter basket, too. Foster care is hard enough for all children involved. We don’t need to inadvertently create additional rivalry and jealousy.

9. Encourage the foster children to bond with the adults in the foster home rather than bond with you. For various reasons many children who come into foster care may be overly clingy and lack appropriate boundaries. It’s easy to want to cuddle and coddle them and shower them with attention and affection to help heal their pain. However, children in foster care often have attachment issues, or may have just made so many transitions they are confused as to who is “their person” and may seek the attention of any adult willing to give affection, which of course can be quite dangerous. Many of our friends will experience a foster child climb up onto their laps and refuse to get down, and believe “Oh we have such a special bond! She loves me!” But the truth is the child likely does that to every single stranger we pass. (sorry to hurt your feelings, but it’s true.) We can’t undo (sometimes years) of neglect, by giving excessive attention now. Hurting children need affection, no doubt, but they also need to learn boundaries, and need to be guided toward forming safe connections and trust with their new caretaker first. I appreciate you the most when you give my foster children a quick hug, a few kind words, and encourage him or her to continue doing whatever activity they were previously engaged in before they saw you just like you would any other child. Let the foster parents do the cuddling and coddling as they deem appropriate with the advantage of having a complete perspective. If you continually find yourself wanting to do the bonding yourself, then maybe you should be fostering (wink.)

10. Ask the foster parent before giving extra food and special gifts. Many children in foster care have behavioral issues and coping mechanisms that may involve hording and hiding, particularly food. If you are at a public gathering and the child asks you for food, encourage the child to ask the foster parents instead. If the foster parent isn’t around, like during class, only permit the foster child to have a comparable amount to the other children. Some children in foster care, having been accustomed to going without food, will overeat to the point of illness and really need adults to help them by setting limits. Once again, overcompensating for the previous neglect will hinder, not help, the healing process. Also, ask the foster parents before giving any special gifts. I remember one time a very well-meaning gentleman at my church gave my foster son a Bible with an inscription written in it. My husband had already purchased one that he was waiting to give to him for his birthday. There is nothing wrong with two Bibles, but of course, that was a special gift my husband wanted to give our foster son. This particular boy had an absent father and struggled with male authority figures. A Bible from his foster father would likely have been more meaningful to our foster son if it wasn’t the second one he recieved and if he hadn’t already received one from someone he barely knew. It’s easy to want to step in and mentor a child in foster care, but be sure to not step on the foster family’s toes when you doing so. The best way to avoid stepping on toes is simply by asking first.

I realize that many of these ideas seem pretty simple or obvious, but sometimes something is so obvious we fail to recognize just how significant it is.

Recently, a child I foster needed an emergency hospitalization. Without babysitters, transportation help, grocery help, and a couple of extra meals brought to my home, I really don’t think we would have been able to continue caring for this sweet girl. All of the people who supported my family during that week, directly loved her. None of them were in a position to foster her directly, but everyone who helped my family continue to care for her supported a child in foster care, and their contributions made a bigger impact on her life than another stuffed bunny rabbit would have.

The contributions of our awesome community allowed her to remain with us, the family she had already begun to bond with, and prevented her from experiencing more loss, more pain, and more confusion. Because of the support we experienced, I was able to stay by her side the entire time she was hospitalized. I think if we focus our efforts to help children in foster care to better equipping, empowering, and supporting the foster families who are caring for these children full time, we will see better homes opening, great homes staying open longer with less burnout, and children thriving in those homes.