Dating in real life. They said what?!?!
Some of the submissions I have received from people on their dating horror stories are so appalling, they have rendered even me speechless. At least for a second anyway. I am not sure how I would have handled some of these without ending up in jail. Again, I think, what would your mama say boy!? I am still shaking my damn head as I write these. Here are a few, heavy sigh…
Him to her, half way through dinner on a blind date:
“You do know that if you had a ‘FUPA’ when you showed up, we would not have continued with this date?”
FUPA is a derogatory explanation for the lower stomach area on a woman, and I can almost guaranteed this guy would’ve been throat punched directly after. What a douche!
Him to her after just three text messages (online):
“Girl, I hope you’re tight, because what I have is gonna blow your mind. You think you can handle 10 inches?”
I just can’t. I really cannot, nothing is coming to my mind on this one… well except maybe this:
Her to him, opening message: “hye, hw r u”
Um, no thanks! My response would have been, “what exactly do you do with all the free time you have from shortening your words in to some sort of short-hand-Ebonics type? Really, you must actually save 30 seconds a day.” Oh and you look like an uneducated fool!
Him to her at the bar:
“Wow girl, you got the kind of booty a man just wants to nibble on, let me buy you drink”
Okay Hannibal, calm down. Also, I have one and it does not have any roofies in it, k thanks!
Her to him, midway through first date:
Him: So what kind of things do you like to do?
Her: I like horoscopes.
Him: Like reading your horoscopes?
Her: No I study the planet and moon alignments, I can basically predict my future
After the date was over he couldn’t resist asking, if that was the case, how did she not know the date was not going to work out…. Crickets
Now I will be the first to say I enjoy learning about astrological signs, and even categorize certain signs based on the experience, but horoscopes and predicting the future are a little out there. Yeah girl, how did you not know!?
Girl walking through a restaurant bar:
Guy grabs her ass, as she spins around to confront the guy, he puts his hands up and says “I just had to know if it was real!!!”
Okay, this one is actually mine. And when I say “confront” I really meant I was ready to start swinging (I actually kind of did, which is why his hands went up). While his reaction was funny enough, I still threatened his life… do you really grab another persons body to check for implants?! Really? Keep your hands inside your own car at all times!
Him to her, via text, while on a date across the restaurant with another woman:
Him: I am craving you right now
Her: You need to be craving your date
Him: Can’t I have you for desert?
Can I get some eye rolls on this one?! I mean come on man! T R I F L I N
Him to her as the coffee date is drawing to an end:
“You are way less crazy than my ex, maybe we should try hanging out again?” and then continues on about crazy ex, and her mom.
Um, no… no thank you…fella, I hope all that works out for you, I will take my “not as crazy” elsewhere, bye now!”
Him to her, as the last call bell rings at a bar: Slips her a note as he passes by, bumping her with his beer gut, that reads “your house or mine?” with his number.
Neither you presumptuous prick! EW. Just EW. Is that really what I attracted tonight?!
Thanks for reading! Feel free to send me yours!
More to come…
Originally published at uncontrollablyme.com on May 12, 2017.