Let’s talk about sex, baby
This post is PG-13 at minimum, if you blush easy anyway. Feel free to skip this if you are offended easily…. no really, just keep scrolling.
Okay, that was a nice little quote, but seriously, this is the last stop before the real talk… last warning…
Most of the following are at least humorous… but some, some need to be read and then re-read! Also, I can hear the male complaint from here, so sure, these could apply to anyone. I am simply writing from my perspective, and experience — hopefully that makes you feel better, bitter lil buddy.
Calm down fella, it’s a vagina, not a DJ booth… please don’t scratch the record!
Kissing — I have a toothbrush for my teeth and the hard to reach areas, I don’t need your tongue that far in my mouth.
And furthermore fella, if you don’t want the teeth from us, don’t use them on us.
Slobber is not attractive, ever. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT EVER use spit to get things going. There shouldn’t be a problem if you are doing things right, and if there is an issue, they make creams/lubes for that. Keep your saliva please.
Not every woman wants a pounding, not every woman doesn’t… there is ample time to ask before, and then after for next time (if you’re lucky)… or maybe just listen to her body! Novel idea.
On the topic of talking during sex — just don’t. I mean a little here and there, fine… more than a word or two, staaawppp. Laughing together can be cute sometimes, though.
Quickies are fun, it does not always need to be 2 hours long. But if you plan on two hours, bring some Gatorade.
If we shave and our panties match, you may be getting some. OR we just wanted to be/feel sexy for ourselves, calm down man, it’s not always about you.
Also, if we don’t shave our 36 squared inches of legs for a day or two, get over it, it does take a little longer than the 6 inches you are working with! On your face I mean, you know when you shave. Behave!
About beards, yes.
Some gals enjoy sex, and are comfortable with their desires… don’t say you can handle it, and then a month later complain it’s too much. It is not a good idea to pad your stamina resume, we are going to find out the truth.
We all have our own level of being adventurous… don’t assume that means we are making a porno. Also don’t assume we wouldn’t.
I personally do not want to know who you have been with before, unless it is one of my friends. Be honest however, because we do check your references. As for me and my girls, we are better than the FBI when we want to be.
Listen, you may think you are great… and maybe you are. That does not mean you are not replaceable, I used to think I would never find great sex again, and then I did… again.
So much can be done to turn someone on… feel it out, literally, use your hands, your mouth… touch your lover! Pull, grip, grasp, nibble… etc. **ahem**
It is not just about you, but it is also not just about us either. It should be a perk to please another person, not a competition.
Periods — we have enough going on in this arena, your feelings on the matter should be irrelevant, seeing as we are the one’s having it in the first place. And “back off or I will cut you” — is a real feeling we have in our souls, don’t make me get stabby because you “don’t like it”.
The back door is a subject that must be discussed, before hand. A little “slip’ can feel like death — don’t even think about it. Again, stabby.
Dick pics, well to each their own… I’m not a fan, unless we are in a relationship — and still it would be rarely. Also asking (expecting) for them in return generally results in you getting exactly zero, again if we are not on the same page with what we are, or are not.
Size does matter. That does not mean one size fits all. Also, yours will never measure up to what’s is in her drawer, don’t forget that.
Sometimes we like cuddling and sometimes we don’t, I don’t know what to tell you here.
I get that vagina’s aren’t always at their best, however unless you have one you get to just hush in regards to the lovely lady. (And FYI, penis’s aren’t always fresh to death either, wash up!)
Don’t you dare comment on our bodies negatively during sex… or ever for that matter.
Yes, we do talk to our friends about sex, it cannot be helped.
That is all for now, but remember…
Women are not meant to be understood, we are meant to be loved.
And yes, I know…
Originally published at uncontrollablyme.com on May 5, 2017.