This is my therapy
I have no doubt that therapy (professionally) works and is a faster route to the root of problems, and overcoming them. But for someone like myself, a middle-class single mother with a high deductible PPO and a $6,000 deductible, regular office visits of on average $100 each, are out of the question. My mental health is absolutely a priority, I know I cannot give what I don’t have… but when there are other options, everything he needs is number one without question.
Now, I do think we are all inherently capable of seeking out and facing our problems, coming up with solutions and often overcoming our issues. I do not however think it is easy, or always fully possible depending on many individual variables. For example, someone who is fighting mental health issues, may not have all of the resources or keys to overcoming why they have panic attacks. Between the lack of knowledge or schooling on the matter, and the ever changing medical industry, it presents obvious concerns. There is also the little tricks our brains play on us, leaving us unsure of what to trust.
I am a strong willed and determined person, and I have survived things that one should not have to, so I know I can get through or overcome just about anything. It will however take me many times the amount of time it would if I had professional help. There are set backs all along the way, and complete derailing when my brain lies and says things like, “this panic will never end, you are not going to make it.”
So I have this blog, I speak my words, I let them spew out of me, not all of which have been published. I get real on my IG by recording the real raw scary and awful parts. I unveil the ugly truth, because the more I do, the less control it has over me. And somewhere in there is the healing. Sometimes it comes from the release, the setting the baggage down just because it is fucking heavy. Other times it comes from a message from a stranger or friend, expressing how much they have been helped by my words. Those messages certainly keep me going. Everyone of them mean so much to me.
Writing for me, is very cathartic. It can be painful to rip off old band-aids, of course, but it is for the better, for me. I know many people who can move on from tough times, and trauma’s, burying them away and never going back to those old files… but I don’t believe that really works. For me, this process feels more like layer by layer I am shedding the grime and filth, the pains and sadness of years of life, mostly inflicted by others, but only because of my acceptance, even if I wasn’t aware of my own participation at the time.
So the posts, the pictures, my words, the music, quotes, are all my therapy. The response from most, is that I am reaching them, those who need it… and them cheering me on, makes it all the more worth it. This is my therapy. This is me healing.
That said, I fully accept that I am not for everyone, but…
Love and peace!
Thank you for reading, click on that heart if you enjoyed! Cheers!
Originally published at uncontrollablyme.com on May 17, 2017.