Why Playing Golf Has Become Punk Rock
By punk rock I mean anti-establishment, creative, allegorical, contrarian, rebellious. Perhaps without a better phrase, I mean that it’s not edgy to take up competitive scrabble, disc golf, or retrogamering. When I was growing up it meant that you listened to Rancid and rode either a BMX bike or a skateboard — along with a rebellious anti-establishment attitude towards teachers or whoever The Man was at the moment. But it’s not even punk rock to be rebellious anymore. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with tattooed hipsters in dive bars where the conversation quickly turns into a circle jerk about “universal pre-K” or “minimum wage vs. a living wage.” Talking to today’s rebels is like talking to my lefty public school teacher mother-in-law.
And this mentality bleeds into our recreational activities and career choices. The former anarchist is now an apologist for teachers’ unions and bureaucrats, and the BMX riders and skaters have become yoga instructors, competitive baristas, or Crossfitters. I think golf has a certain stigma of conservatism attached to it, or maybe it’s a perception of being for old-timers instead of being old-timey. But I’m here to tell you, as someone who is often asked, “you play golf?,” it is a sport everyone should pick up, especially if you fancy yourself a bit of a contrarian.
And sure, go crazy with the knickers and newsboy caps. Embrace the aesthetic, embrace the purity of the game, but reject and mock modern golf culture. Golfers have become a stodgy lot, lousy with cranky old ladies and 40-something wannabe CEOs who wear bright green polo shirts and Bluetooth earpieces. Golf courses are often wasteful, mismanaged, and boring. Finely shorn topiaries and fake lagoons do not illicit the sensory reaction brought about by nature; the smell of one-stroke engine exhaust and the electric hum of E-Z-GO golf carts make us feel somewhere unnatural — it brings us back to the suburban schoolyard or soccer camp.
We need to inject some youthful zeal back into this game, along with a heavy dose of common sense. No more wasting water and money. Golf courses are basically just poorly managed farms that forget to grow food. All we need are greens and fairways, the rest can be used for nature, agriculture, whatever. But that’s a conversation for another day.
I’ve played golf my entire life and I’ll admit, I’m not a very good golfer. If I play an honest round I’m happy to break 100 (most golfers will tell you they shoot in the low 90s but they’re lying). There are tons of golfers like me who make a couple pars in a round, maybe a birdie, perhaps a few exceptional shots, but ultimately we lose balls, duff a handful of drives, and hit a few in the drink. But we still take it seriously, and genuinely enjoy the game.
Point is, it’s okay to not be great at golf. It’s fun, challenging, and ultimately rewarding. Many hobbies are just expensive cheap thrills — wakeboarding is clumsy and you need a speed boat, barista competitions cause anxiety and are slathered in social commentary, and The Hopscotch Championship is too dangerous. What do we ask from our recreational activities? I think most people would agree that hobbies allow us to become more well-rounded individuals. The chess board or the golf course is a canvas for our individual actions, where we can learn more about ourselves, a simple ritual that clears the mind, but also strengthens it. It gives us a chance to get away from our lives, and to embrace being unproductive. Obviously there must be more to hobbies than simply indulging in “fun.” Or we’d invent a candy-eating contest or just play drinking games.
I’ve come across a few Reddit threads that ask for recommendations about inexpensive hobbies. Invariably, disc golf comes highly recommended by today’s internet crowd, but never actual golf. Throwing frisbees around in a park is not a serious hobby, and it is not an activity for grown-ups. The only reason to play disc golf would be if you lived in North Korea or Venezuela and regular golf was banned. That golf is some super expensive sport is a complete myth. I guarantee you there’s a municipal course near you where you can play for around $20. I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country and I can play my local course after 1pm on weekdays for $22. For over three hours of entertainment, its cheaper than bowling or indoor rock climbing. And save money by walking and not renting a cart — unless you need an electric cart at the grocery store you don’t need one on the golf course.
It’s true that golf equipment can be very expensive, but golf is a sport dominated by money wasting hacks who buy a new set of irons every year. Which means there are insane deals on almost-new golf clubs, but you don’t even need to go that far. I play regularly with a buddy who is a solid player, and he hits a set of old Ben Hogan irons he bought for practically nothing at Goodwill, and a generic driver from Big 5 Sporting Goods he’s had since high school. Please don’t go on some forum and write: “Hey, I’m thinking about getting into golf. What are some club recommendations for a beginner?” Waste of time. Buy some cheap sticks and start playing.
Golf is many things, but as the great 1956 Master’s champion Jackie Burke says about putting: “You’re rolling a ball into a hole with a stick.” That’s all we’re doing here — we’re not balancing on our toes whilst spinning and undulating, nor are we sprinting, hurdling, or climbing. It’s a simple act that requires a little physical ability, but it also requires mental toughness. And that’s one of the reasons it’s such a great sport for us normal people. Go ahead and get eight of your buddies together to form an adult wooden bat baseball league. And wake me up after the 12th run is walked in in the third inning. Baseball is not a good sport for nonprofessional adults, it’s a sport for springy youngsters with decent hand-eye coordination. If you’re too old for Big League Chew, yet not tough enough for actual chew, golf is a much better way to go.
Golf rewards patience, focus, and practice — just like many things in life. But these days, men in their 30s are into airsoft war reenactments and adult kickball leagues. Everyone is yearning for something “different,” which is just narcissistic and boring. And now the reality is that playing actual golf has become that something different. See how weird this has gotten? It’s seen as unusual if you’re a young hipster who likes to play nine holes on a Tuesday afternoon before your bartending shift. Yet nobody would bat an eye if you said you had to duck out of the office early for speed-knitting practice.
So after you finish reading this, go buy a cheap set of clubs, and take up golf. I’m selfishly asking that more people my age play, because I’m concerned that courses will continue falling apart and shutting down. But there is a bit of a learning curve — you’ll need to learn how to play. Here’s the part where most people get burned, and its a lesson I wish I had learned much earlier in life. Don’t get caught up in all the nonsense that floods the culture of golf I mentioned earlier — don’t read golf magazines, don’t watch The Golf Channel, don’t buy a rangefinder, and don’t start following the sport on TV. Just read one short book, “Five Lessons,” by Ben Hogan, and then practice as much as you can. That’s it.
As for what you can get out of playing this great game, I can’t say specifically. But to give you an idea, I think the game is a good illustration of our true nature, and of how easily we can confuse ourselves. Hitting a 110 yard pitching wedge into an uphill green might seem like an easy shot, but when there’s the added pressure of hitting over a lake, that mental distortion affects our physical ability to execute. It’s the same shot, though. You’re forced to constantly put things in perspective and talk yourself out of knee-jerk reactions. How often in life would we be better off by applying the same practices? In golf there’s a saying: when you get in trouble, get out of trouble.
My brother always says that golf is about not being a pussy. At the end of the day, this is a game with a scorecard. If you want to score, you need to take risks, and you need to accept the potential consequences.
As humans we tend to be narcissistic and we get overly ambitious in both our lives and in how we meddle in the lives of others. We vote, we support politicians, policies, we try to change others before we acknowledge how hard it can be to change ourselves. And often times we conflate intentions and outcomes —we think we’re accomplishing something just because we’re trying. Just because we’re trying to save some endangered dolphin by buying Fair Trade saffron doesn’t mean that we’re actually doing anything. Golf forces you to recognize how easily your efforts can have drastically adverse outcomes.
For example, there are a million golf gadgets, improvements, tips, techniques, etc., especially when it comes to adding some distance to your drive. A golf magazine article might read “How to Add 25 Yards to Your Drive.” (A drive is the first shot off the tee, with a club called a driver, and generally means you hit it as far as you can.) I’m no golf coach, and I don’t have any secrets or tips. I don’t know how you can add 25 yards to your drive. But I’ve learned quite a bit in my many years of playing, and I can tell you with certainty not how to add more yardage to your drive — and that is to try and hit the ball an extra 25 yards. Actually, If you want to hit 25 yards further, try hitting it 25 yards shorter. Trying does not equal doing, and oftentimes, it equals undoing.
Trying to be edgy and unique with your fountain pen collecting hobby is actually making you boring. And as far as making some socio-economic statement with your rebellious actions, what better way to say “fuck you” to corporate America than to beat them at their own game? Go develop a better swing than Obama (that actually won’t be difficult). Go out and get scolded by the course marshal for sneaking in a 12 pack of Bud Heavy instead of buying expensive tall boys from the clubhouse. Take a hit off your flask after the second hole, and always do a shot at the turn. Be respectful of the game, but golf courses are often just wasteful government institutions — they could do for a bit of finger-wagging and rabble rousing
