School

When Gabe came out to me last February, he was already a few years into this knowledge and acceptance. It took me months, and I still grapple. He was ready to be OUT out, though, after his internal fight finally gave way to acceptance, so he wanted to tell everyone. I may have been wrong when I asked him to just slow his roll a bit, and give the rest of us time to catch up. He told his friends. His teachers got wind. One teacher learned this quite as a surprise when visiting a new church in our neighborhood, which was awkward. But once it became clear to me that my Gabe was feeling unaffirmed, insecure, disappointed, and impatient, I took a deep breath and shook myself, and decided to take action despite my discomfort and confusion.

School has been a sore subject for several years. We’ve had a battle with his learning style, his habits, his executive function, his gifted status. We’ve changed schools from a gifted program to gifted status in a main classroom to virtual public school to a charter school and finally to his current charter school. He started 7th grade as a girl named Ally and finished 7th grade as a boy named Gabe. Is that weird? Yes. Yes, it certainly is.

I got to know his guidance counselor quite well those first few months of 7th grade. He had anxiety attacks, meltdowns, detentions, and I had picked him up early probably a dozen times. We had had an IEP meeting as well as a 504 meeting. His counselor, Jennifer, had been quite invested in our family, so I was sure she’d be interested (maybe even relieved?) to learn what the actual struggle involved.

So, just 2 weeks into our journey, on March 2, 2017, despite my fugue state and strong dissonance concerning my Christian beliefs and my husband’s absolute denial, I emailed his guidance counselor:

Hi, Jennifer.

Ally announced to our family recently that she/he is transgender. We’re still reeling and grasping and trying to understand what’s even happening. I am not prepared to be coming out in the community or at school, but it’s already happening. It’s been said a few times already, some kids already know, so there’s no containing this news until we’re ready (whatever that even means.)

This isn’t an official announcement. I’m just giving you a heads up. It will probably come back to you.

If you have any experience, understanding, training, or knowledge to share with us on this subject, I’ll be happy to learn. I’m stabbing in the dark right now.

Also, Ally wants her name changed to Gabriel and to be referred to with him/he/his pronouns. Her father and I are really, really struggling with all of this, but especially this last piece. I’m not asking for anything at this point because I don’t even know what to ask for except patience.

We’re seeking therapy. I’ve had Ally/Gabriel to two appointments. We’ll be seeking family therapy, also.

Lastly, and unrelated, our family is going on a cruise next week. Ally/Gabriel will be absent 3/6–10.

Thanks,

Whitney Treloar

I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I wasn’t prepared with knowledge. I probably should have been using “Gabe” and “he/him/his” by then, but I wasn’t. I hoped she knew more about the subject than I, but I was mistaken. Anyway, here’s her reply:

Good evening Mrs. Treloar; my apologies for the late night reply — the day just goes by too quickly. I read your email about the cruise first and was writing to wish you a well deserved and wonderful relaxing time. And, I’ll follow-up with your tomorrow to ensure you get any assignments by day’s end.As for your other news; well, first I must say how proud I am of Ally for disclosing her feelings to you and your husband independently, on her own. She has not been seeing me (and I’ve been meaning to give her an organizer by the way) and has been doing just fine socially and emotionally — she truly has seemed happy and content. I’m sure it took some courage on her part to bring her feelings to your attention; but I think that also speaks to the remarkable parents that you are that she was able to do so. If I can be of any support to you or Ally, please let me know. I will research some things and gather up some information and mail/email to you if you’d like. Please let me know how you would like me to handle things at school; especially with her request in the manner in which she wishes to be addressed. With all due respect, I may need to inquire procedurally with administration but of course, not without your consent. Please call me tomorrow if you are able to discuss this further unless you prefer to process it all while on your cruise and get in touch with me upon your return. I’ll leave it to you but am here for you always. Thank you for your trust and for confiding in me. Respectfully, Jennifer

  • The cruise is another story:<link>

So, this is how it started. If there is a preferred or prescribed procedure for such events, I remain unaware. While all circumstances are different, it seems a guideline would be more than helpful (and maybe I’ll be the one to write it!)

Around this same time, Gabe brought all of his knit Land’s End skorts to me for charity, as well as his girls’ Sketchers and any teal school polos, keeping just the navy and light blue. Once we went shopping for cargo shorts and Chuck Taylors, he was all boy at MICMS.

<Part 2>

)

We Christians don’t deal with LGBTQ folks, except to “pray for them” and preach at them. Except now my kid is transgender, so, I guess I should figure this out.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade