Some Transgender Basics
People just don’t understand what TRANSGENDER means. I didn’t. When my child told me he was transgender, a panic welled up because I didn’t understand. I’ve since submerged myself in research and information and let it wash over and around me, so I’m beginning to understand. One of my gifts is drilling through the crap and nailing down the basics. Since I believe the antidote to fear is knowledge, I’ll share.
Before we can understand TRANSGENDER, we need to understand what GENDER is, and its not a simple as you think. So let’s get a few facts nailed down, shall we?
SEX — This is what we’re assigned at birth, and often before that. Genitalia is a great indicator. “It’s a boy!” DNA will confirm it, but we average healthy folk rarely have DNA tests. While in years past, we just accepted that sex and gender were the same, we’re learning now that it is NOT. We may resist that fact, we may not like it, we may yell and scream that it’s a lie, but this is fact, people. Science. Please, can we just accept this and move on?
GENDER is separate from SEX. Listen. Can you hear the scared, loud people screaming about what’s between our legs? (How rude is that, btw?) A vagina does not make a person a female (my son has one), and a penis does not make a person a boy. I realize this is news for some, and it seems odd, but stay with the conversation and you’ll get there. GENDER is almost always (as in, more than 99% of the time) consistent with sex. From infancy, we’re told that we’re a “pretty girl,” a “sweet boy,” a “little man,” or a “smooshy-gushy girlie-girl.” Its societal. Its accepted. We dress our babies in ribbons or dinosaurs, we present them with dollies or trucks. Its understandable that we’re confused about the rare occurrence of a transgender individual (one whose gender doesn’t match their sex), but it happens.
GENDER IDENTITY— This is one of those things we just KNOW about ourselves. Its the inner sense of who we are. A lot of it may come from what we have been told from infancy, but since gender and sex agree more that 99% of the time, it’s hard to say just how much of a role what we’re told plays. When our gender and sex DON’T match, there is confusion, dissonance, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of discomfort (called dysphoria.) This innate knowledge often presents in early childhood. Until now, most folks with this knowledge of themselves suppressed it, sometimes for the rest of their lives. It is slowly becoming acceptable (I use that term loosely) to speak up and speak out and make necessary adjustments (called transition.)
Not to throw anyone into a tizzy, here, but MALE and FEMALE are only two of a whole host of genders, and we learn more and coin more terms all the time. Gender is a spectrum. There are non-binary folks, gender-fluid folks, and probably infinite other genders out there. Gender is as individual as fingerprints. You don’t have to agree, but if you make an effort to accept this fact, life will be easier for most of us.
GENDER PRESENTATION — This is how a person tells the world who they are. Its tied to a sense of self and confidence and creativity. Its very individual. We all present ourselves as something. You know how you can just look at a stranger and know what they’re all about?
My husband wears either a team jersey or a suit wherever he goes. He has an NRA sticker and a UF license plate on his Lexus. He posts sports scores, theological or historic quotes, and Bible verses as his Facebook status. His profile picture has him in a tam-o-shanter with a cigar. He doesn’t even have to introduce himself for anyone to know that he is a sports fan and a businessman; there is no question by how he presents himself. He’s a man’s man. No one will ever confuse him for a Bernie Sanders supporter or a cross-fitter.
My transgender son binds his chest, colors his hair blue, wears loosely-fitting boys’ clothing in dark colors and black eyeglasses, slouches, looks at the ground a lot, and is palpably uncomfortable in public. He also finds his pink flipflops very comfortable and plays the flute. What do we know about him by his presentation? While he does NOT identify as a girl, and is quite bothered that he doesn’t pass as a boy, he has enough self-confidence to eventually be who he is without apology, and when he fully grows into himself, he’ll be just fine. He’s learning what works for now. He’s working it out. When a server uses male pronouns, he feels great. When a store clerk says “she,” he reassesses how he presented that day.
What stereotypical images do you conjure when someone says “lesbian?” Do you think about a less-than-feminine woman with a butch haircut and boyish clothes? While not always accurate, we have this idea because of how lesbian women have historically presented. Some lesbians present as masculine (‘masc”), while others are ultra feminine (“femme”), and there are many who are neither.
SEXUALITY — While GENDER is who we go to bed *as,* SEXUALITY is who we go to bed *with.* And there’s also often a separation between who we love and who we have sex with (which is called romantic attraction vs. sexual attraction, but that’s not a basic, so I won’t go into that further.)
The terms homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual, gay, lesbian, asexual, pansexual, demisexual, graysexual, asexual are all terms of human sexuality. People may or may not announce their sexual preference to us and the world, but whether they do or not, unless they’re coming on to us specifically, our opinion of their sexuality is unnecessary, immaterial, and almost always unsolicited.
TRANSITION — When an individual’s sex and gender don’t line up, there is a degree of discomfort. This is usually strong, confusing, and anxiety-producing. While the name for this is “dysphoria,” and there is a diagnostic medical code, is it NOT a mental illness. It is a biological, scientific, medical condition, and it is miserable. When someone is able to identify this in themself, they will often choose to transition. Since the mind and the body don’t match, something has to change. Years of research and much effort and experimentation have thus far proven that it is yet impossible to change the mind. As such, individuals choose to change the body to some degree, and this is called transition. We can socially transition, legally transition, and medically transition. Each person decides how far they choose to transition. There are no rules or norms.
Social transition usually involves presentation: a transboy (assigned female at birth, or AFAB) may cut his hair, stop wearing jewelry and makeup, choose more masculine clothing, change his name to something less feminine/more masculine, and prefer male pronouns (he/him/his.) My son changed his name to Gabe, asked for male pronouns, gave all his dresses away, and started binding his chest. A transwoman (assigned male at birth, or AMAB) may grow her hair out, wear makeup and dresses, change her name and pronouns, and change her gait slightly. Again, there are no rules, these are simply examples.
Legal transition may include a name change, a designated sex change (M or F) on a birth certificate, and assignment of new legal documents reflecting these changes.
Medical transition is physical and often permanent. Hormones may be suppressed, puberty may be blocked in children, and cross hormone therapy administered, so that transmen have less testosterone (“T”) and more estrogen, and vice versa. Surgery is often elected, and ranges from mastectomy (“top surgery”) to hysterectomy, to cosmetic surgery, to sexual reassignment surgery (“bottom surgery”.) Whether this is elected, and to what degree, is entirely up to the individual.
As I stated previously, I’m learning. I hope this tiny primer has helped in your understanding of some of the most basic terms and ideas behind the transgender issue. I have more to learn. If you’d like more explanation, need more clarification, disagree, or want to point out an error, please comment or email me.
For a short tutorial on the correct terms pertaining to the TRANSGENDER piece, go here: https://medium.com/@transevangelicalmom/transgender-terminology-4a3cbe40328e