This is going to sound like a strange comparison, but stay with me.
I take high blood pressure meds. Not a high dose, but still I have to take them. I remember starkly the day that damaged my heart. My cells tell me all about the period of time I spent with a drug addict whose choice way to shake up the world was to carefully stab himself in the abdomen with a chef’s knife. He would get whisked off to the emergency room and get all his favorite drugs during recovery.
I can’t reduce my blood pressure with less salt. That is not my issue. I can only help myself by being calmer, at peace. If I want to be off of that pill I have to do yoga, meditate, and read Buddhist Scripture. I have to do it all.
Depression, when it’s in the suicide stage, requires all resources to be deployed to stem it’s flow. That part of you is going down fast so you have to grab at everything available to stop it.
As you find hindsight, as you are rebirthed, as you gift yourself with insights, you come to understand both sides of the story. That is maturity. It is also love.
Your path includes waters very hard to navigate, but so far so good. If you want to exit anti-depressent medication then it is necessary to steer yourself in that direction. You have to choose a change in your life that reveals depression for what it is. However long this new path will take is only for you to know and you to decide, but this world is littered with options. Some call them lofty, some call them silly, but most just say it is too hard. Before you start know that if you fail, or it’s not a good fit, that you always get second chances. You can always begin again. Every Medium story about failure, taking a leap, and doing that which you believe to be impossible is the story of self reckoning. A total gut check.
Finally I have two songs to suggest to feel again right now. One of them I predict will bring a tear. At least I think so.
