Don’t Call Me Dude; I’m Not A Bro!
Masculine terms are not inherently gender neutral.
I get it. You’re from California and everyone is a dude to you. You live in the Midwest and default to “you guys” without thinking. I understand to you these terms are gender neutral in your life but they are not to me. I cannot make you feel the same way about these terms as I do, but it is a basic engagement requirement that you do not misgender me. When you call someone who is not a dude a dude, or who is not a bro a bro, even if you consider these terms gender neutral in your world, you may be implying to them a masculine connotation or masculine gendering that is not something you can do with them. It is not okay to enforce your belief that these terms are gender neutral onto me by saying I have to be okay with you calling me by masculine terms.
Would you say that a straight man dates dudes? Would you, as a potentially straight man, make out with your bro? Would you as a straight woman marry your “sis”? Do you think straight women are into “ladies” only? These and many more terms with gendered connotations have been argued towards me as being gender neutral. I am a nonbinary trans person who is strictly neither male nor female. Masculine and feminine terms equally misgender me.
“Well I didn’t mean to!” Good for you! Your intentions do not change the fact of the matter that the person you just called a term that is gendered to them by a gendered term.
“Well I’m from-” Regional differences and lingo are never an excuse to misgender someone.
“I wasn’t thinking!” Clearly.
“It’s not misgendering; I was using it gender-neutrally!” It’s not gender neutral to me as a nonbinary trans person. You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t misgendering me. That is the personal choice of every individual trans person and just because you believe your “trans friend” is okay with something doesn’t mean all trans people are. We are all different individuals with basic needs and engagement requirements. Mine is that masculine terms and feminine terms are not applied to me ever.
It’s more than just that really. It’s the fact that society has always seen “man” and “masculine” as neutral or the default. Feminine terms do not get the same treatment most of the time because feminine is seen as lesser and secondary. You’re not a man, you’re a person. You’re not masculine, you’re normal. This perpetuates into the androgyny that only thin white transmasculine nonbinary folks are allowed to display. They take “MascLite” (which is good on its own!) and call it “androgyny”. If your androgyny does not have room for skirts and makeup and lace and actual androgyny, then consider discussing it accurately instead. Men are not the default. They are not better, and the masculine is not inherently gender neutral.
You can use whatever language you and your friends and family are okay with using with each other, but you do not get to tell me I can’t correct you when you misgender me. It’s not just calling me a man or a woman or a boy or a girl. It’s everything that isn’t “nonbinary”, “person”, “androgyne”, and terms which don’t imply a masculine or feminine in any context. If you can’t do that, you can’t do that, and that’s that I suppose. My request is that you no longer engage me, and certainly no longer continue to misgender me with these terms.
If you want suggestions please ask, I’m happy to provide. Don’t call women, nonbinary people, or men, terms they are not comfortable with. I’m not a dude, I’m not your bro, I’m not a sis, and I’ll never be a lady. I’m me; nonbinary and trans and a they. Let’s start there, and try again.
When someone asks you not to do something, just do it. It’s that simple, and shows you actually respect them.
Vin Tanner is a nonbinary trans person running the TransStyleGuide project solo. They write and tweet about trans issues very regularly, especially about trans language. You can donate money to them here or here if you’re not in the US. Please email them at transstyleguide@gmail.com.
