Excerpts from Chapter 1. A Transparent Wall

Can God Trust You with Your Pain?

Those who attempt a life ending event are sending out a signal for help. Sometimes the signal is faint. This is when suicide prevention becomes a challenge. Some people will paint a better picture that does not tell us where they really are in their soul. The choice of death over life can be a very personal feeling, thought, plan, and action. Discerning the right question to ask is very important. Especially if the person is protecting their shame.

When someone is ashamed of their life being like it is, and the motivation to stay in the game has run out of fuel, this is where suicide prevention gets tricky. Look at it like overloading a circuit breaker in a house. To many things on at one time overloads the breaker and makes it pop. Get help before your breaker goes bad.

An Autobiography in Five Chapters

Chapter One — I walked down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two — I walked down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out.

Chapter Three — I walked down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it’s there. I fall in, it’s a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four — I walked down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five — I walked down a different street.

YOU HAVE THE power to change the choices you make. Step back from the transparent wall and get the help you deserve.

Meltdown — When You Act on the Plan.

Go Time is a time frame that leads to a decision or choice to end our life. It can be any combination of life situations which can include financial, health challenges, emotional trauma, broken relationships, homelessness, loss of work and many more aspects of life that can all lead to a lethal suicide cocktail.

Everyone’s push button to end their life is a different mix of these life events, combined with unmanageable feelings and thoughts. My father committed suicide during his battle with cancer. His choice left a big void in the lives of many. That is how suicide works. Yes, our personal pain is over, but for the many who knew us the pain is only starting.

One person’s life ends and everyone else suffers; sometimes for MANY years.

Then comes the suicide of my only nephew. That was a heart breaker and still is after 5 years. You see suicide is like a tattoo that makes a clear imprint on the soul. The question that always gets asked is: “WHY?”. To give a short answer: hopelessness.

When someone cannot see their way clear of life’s overwhelming circumstance, other options must come into play. And not having to deal with the unfairness of life can sometimes be a very appealing option.

My Go Time. The Point of No Return.

It has taken some time for me to add this portion to the book. I had my death planned out with location, the how and the text message to my friends, accept my wife, she wouldn’t accept texts from me, so she was going to get an email instead.

I know you are asking yourself what made Bryan decide to end his life. The answers are is broken marriage, broken relationship with kids, broken health (chronic pain), broken career and broken finances. I was done. Homeless, purposeless and powerless to change anything. My end of life cocktail was made to order.

These unrelenting circumstances mixed with deep emotional trauma created a super volcano of unmanageable thoughts. The only option I could see at the time was to carry out my plan.

There was no failure involved in my plan. It was cut and dry with a one-way ticket to the bottom of a canyon by way of a 350-feet drop off from the top to canyon floor. I would do this on an early morning when there was no traffic. Walk down to the middle of the bridge, stand there and send my text message and email and then jump off the backside so no one could see me.

I don’t swim, so if the jump didn’t kill me, the water would. If no one saw me then it would have taken days or longer to discover my body. Once that was done, then the visits and calls would take place by chaplain and police.

Instead, for some reason I called Tyler sobbing heavily. He had me wait on the phone while he dialed 911 in my town and got me headed to the Fire Station where I was greeted with open arms and support.

Today one life and much grief, is saved because of that phone call to Tyler. The message to you right here is: Make the call. You are important to God and too others.

Being a Survivor of the Decision not to Suicide.

After the loss, the disappointment, the divorce, the sickness there are still many great days ahead. Do not let the negatives of life pop your breaker. Have the courage to get the help NOW. Why did I call Tyler? Let’s call it a moral compass or a sense of wrongness.

The call to Tyler saved my life. I don’t know why I called him, but he is why I am still on planet Earth. He was very calm and walked me through what we were going to do. I am very thankful for the ministry of 423 Community, that is how I met Tyler and the guys who are loving me back to life.

Once I got into the Emergency Room, I had Tyler call my Chaplain friend Mike D. who came down and stayed with me until my room at Sage View was ready. Mike and I have been friends for, some time and he said it would have really set him back if I had carried out my plan instead of calling Tyler. A big thanks to everyone at St. Charles ER, a great group of people.

I arrived at Sage View late on a Saturday night and those blessed people gave me safety, love, and some tools to help me make better decisions. I spent 10 days there to help me take better care of myself regardless of life’s situation.

Remember this, you’re not buried, you’re planted. Dare to trust God. God has not forgotten about you or me. Just because we don’t see anything happening to better our lives doesn’t mean that God is not working.

God doesn’t make any mistakes, even during the painful times. The pain is not there to stop us, it’s there to develop us to prepare us to increase our life, not reduce it. God knows exactly what we need.