The Spitwad Review #1: “Freaky Faces and Disney Battle Royal”

Hello, I’m Travis, and welcome to my first “review” of The Spitballers Podcast. For those of you unfamiliar with The Spitballers Podcast, it is a comedy podcast done by the same guys of the Fantasy Footballers Podcast. If you are one of my league mates, then disregard that bit above, this is the only podcast they produce.

Before I get started let me answer a question that possibly nobody is asking: Why are you doing this? Well, no one in particular, THAT is a great question and the answer is, for fun! I really enjoy the podcast and I want to offer up some thoughts from the listener perspective in hopes that maybe some of these will get read and the show can become even better! So with that out of the way lets dive right in!

The Review:

The norm here will be a review of the draft primarily. That being said, on occasion I will look at some of the other segments mostly to pose clarifying questions that I had but perhaps the guys did not address.

Would You Rather:

Would you rather get sick less often but have it be twice as bad OR would you rather get sick twice as often but have the illness be very mild?

Andy and Mike decided to get sick less often but twice as bad but Jason decided he would rather be mildly sick very often so that he could milk it for all its worth but not really be down and out.

The questions I have that the guys didn't really explore are, “how mild is mild and how bad can the sickness be?” If I am the type of person who really only gets sick about once or twice a year and choose the first option how bad can it get and can the sickness linger? Could I get cancer every fifth year or so or is it capped at ailments that can’t be terminal and can be mostly self-treated? On the flip side of the coin, how minimal can my mild sickness be? Could I just have a cold every other month or a cough and then never get sicker than that? Because I can deal with a bi-monthly cold.

The Draft:

Drafting Disney characters for a Battle Royale. There are no subsidiary characters such as Marvel and StarWars Universe or even Pixar.

Round 1

Mike: The Genie(Aladdin)

Pros: The Genie is magic so he can conjure up a bunch of stuff and I am not quite sure how you would go about killing a Genie so I think with this pick Mike is looking at a stalemate at best.

Cons: Although the Genie has enormous power at his disposal I believe one of his rules is that he cannot kill so that puts Mike in a bit of a bind if his star player is abiding by the Batman rule. That being said he could still conjure up some weapons for his cohorts to use.

Jason: Maui (Moana)

Pros: He is immortal and his magic fish hook allows him to transform so he is roughly on par with the Genie. He is a big strong man even without his magical powers.

Cons: Maui is only a demigod so being partially human likely means that he can be killed unlike the Genie, who I am not even sure possess corporeal form.

Andy: Beast (Beauty and the Beast)

Pros: Beast is an excellent raw power pick, he could probably rip a human man’s arms off.

Cons: Beast doesn't have the best track record when going up against magic so without a team behind him at this point in the draft it seems to be a pretty weak pick.

Round 2

Andy: Simba (The Lion King)

Pros: I mean its a sentient Lion, probably just as good as Beast.

Cons: Much like Beast, Simba doesn't really have a good way of dealing with magic, what if the Genie turns him into a spoon, then what?

Jason: Jafar (Aladdin)

Pros: Jafar is a Genie in the end of the first Aladdin movie and remains that way in the second movie as well, so for all intents and purposes this is just as strong of a pick as The Genie himself.

Cons: Jafar isn't the brightest but he is still a genie with awesome power. Much like The Genie, he can be destroyed by crushing his lamp, so I am not sure if Mike and Jason will be in possession of the lamps as they need them to command the Genies but hopefully they will be well protected or the Genie’s could be easier to kill than expected.

Mike: Zeus (Hercules)

Pros: He is a Greek god, he is immortal, he can through lightning bolts from the sky and shape shift.

Cons: I don’t really see any here unless someone else has a Greek god or perhaps a Titan on their team.

CONTENTION: Jason drew issue with the fact that Zeus is a very small character in a Disney movie, I won’t bother addressing the argument of “he’s a Greek myth not a Disney character,” because its hilariously bad. If the guys were playing by those rules we would be debating who would win in a fight, Donald or Goofy? I stand by the pick as Zeus does appear in the movie Hercules, do better research and dig deep next time.

Round 3

Mike: Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty or Maleficent)

Pros: Maleficent is a powerful sorceress who also possesses the ability to shape shift( you should be sensing a theme right about now).

Cons: She is definitely human and definitely not immortal, one good arrow or spear would be enough.

Jason: Hercules (Hercules)

Pros: He is a demigod so he does possess powers beyond the realms of a normal human such as his super strength, hes pretty good with a sword and he is also immortal.

Cons: He is also not resistant to magic so in a draft heavily flooded with magic characters he is starting off at a disadvantage.

Andy: King Triton (The Little Mermaid)

Pros: Another magic-esque Greek god

Cons: There isn't much back story or information on what Triton can do besides impale people

CONTENTION: Jason remarked that Triton being half merman would be an issue fighting in the Colosseum. Did I save some information to drop it here in this section? You’re darn right I did! So watch your step on the way out because this knowledge is getting dropped. Triton is the son of Poseidon, he does carry a Trident like his father but he also has a magic conch shell which he used to raise the waves. Theoretically he could flood the Colosseum like the ancient Romans used to do for naval gladiatorial battles.

Round 4

Andy: Elsa (Frozen)

Pros: Andy has finally added some decent magic power to his lineup. She would also pair well with Triton's ability to summon the waves. Andy falling ass backwards into success with his last pick in the draft.

Cons: Much like Maleficent, Elsa is pretty fragile, one well placed arrow and shes down.

Jason: Tarzan

Pros: He is a very athletic human male who was raised by Apes, so basically any professional athlete in the modern day who also had the instinct of one of nature’s most powerful animals.

Cons: No magic, no superhuman abilities, just a regular muscular athletic dude.

Mike: Merlin (The Sword in the Stone)

Pros: Merlin is the most powerful wizard possibly of all time and counsel to King Arthur.

Cons: We once again arrive at the problem of being a glass cannon. Merlin much like so many others in this draft could be taken down quite easily if you take him from range or get him quickly.

CONCLUSION:

I feel that the true winner should be left up to the almighty Twitter poll of public opinion. Full disclosure I voted for Mike, but as I wrote this I think Andy is the one with the edge. The lamps for the Genies must be held by Jason and Mike for them to have control as Genies are not free beings. The “magic” characters primarily have magical properties where the true spell slingers are limited to Merlin, Maleficent and Elsa. Generally your spell casters are limited by incantation and variation of spells. Elsa specializes in ice magic and shes like Emperor Palpatine, no wands, no staffs, no words just throw out your hands and let if fly. All they would need to do is seal off the lamps from Mike and Jason, flood the Colosseum and entrap the rest in ice.

Thank you so much for reading this far if you have any critiques, comments and you want to see more, please do some type of like button thing here on Medium that I don’t know about OR follow me and tell me on Twitter! Thanks for reading and see you next time!