Being a people pleaser
All of my life, I have been a people pleaser. I never really realized it until I was writing my first book, and I was writing about my grandmother. As I was writing about being a child of 5 or 6, I did something dumb like a child would do.
My grandmother, who lived with us, would stop talking to me for days. I would say I was sorry, draw her pictures, bring her flowers, anything to try to make her love me again, but nothing worked.
When I was writing about my relationship with my ex-husband and without thinking, I wrote about how, for years, I would write in my diary, "Dear God, how do I make him happy? What can I do to make him happy? Nothing I do makes him happy. "
It was then that I realized he did the same things to me. He withheld his love and affection and punished me for my "bad behavior," whatever he deemed that was, for that day.
It was my Oprah light bulb moment as I realized all of my relationships, including my friendships, were this way as well. They all stemmed from my relationship with my grandmother.
I run after peoples affections, trying to please them, trying to make it better in their eyes. I remember when my cousin pointed this out to me as yet another situation came up with a friend. She came right out with "What the fuck is wrong with you, why are you still a people pleaser?"
Yes, she never minces words.
Yes, I know as hard as I've tried to change so many things in my life I can't seem to change this. I've gotten better but it is still inside of me. That need to please, to run after someone who clearly doesn't deserve it and who has done me wrong.
Yes, I want people to like me, I think we all do on some level.
But because of my grandmother, I on some level think it's my job to make someone happy.
I realized this is not the way to be, when during the end of my marriage, one of my girls came crying to me about her dad. How he told her she was useless, that he dragged up all of her past mistakes she did when she was a teenager and basically made her feel like shit. I realized that he was not happy with himself, and no matter what I did or what she did, even if it was perfect and even if it was exactly what he wanted, he still wouldn't be happy. I went on to tell her that it is not her job to make him happy. He has to do that, to admit to that, and try to fix himself.
I am big on therapy, I've been in therapy many times. I took my girls to therapy for many years, and just recently, I went back to therapy again for my PTSD. The last time I went, it was for my issues with men and my self-worth. I realize that this is something I need to discuss during therapy to finally figure out a way to stop this in it's track's.
I tell it all in this blog, I am human, we are all human. We are all fucked up in one way or another, the point is to acknowledge it and then try to fix it. That is what we are here for, to learn, to grow, to change and hopefully to pass on that knowledge to others.
So today my friends, I will be working on this and I will let you know what I’ve learned. So far, I’ve learned that it’s not about pleasing others. You need to do your thing. You need to dance to the beat of your own drummer, to be able to look yourself in the mirror and like what you see. You can’t "complete" someone else. They must already be complete.
I’ve learned you can’t make someone else happy when they will never be happy with themselves. So instead do you.... and make yourself happy.
"Be the change you want to see"
@Treadmilltreats "Be the change you want to see"
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"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"
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