Tuesday Treadmill Treats
Not selling my soul anymore
Yesterday, I should have been on a private luxury catamaran sailing around the British Virgin Islands for nine days.
Yes, this would have been a once in a lifetime trip, definitely a check off my bucket list but this trip also came with a price. I am not talking about monetarily, I am talking about a soul price.
We all have a soul price, something we will put up with because of the benifits.
It could be a job that you hate but the benifits make you stay.
It could be a friendship, because that person knows you better than anyone and you don't think you can get that from anyone else, so you put up with their negativity and crap.
It could be like me, a marriage, or a relationship. You are there because you are living the good life, a nice house, designer clothes, fancy cars, big vacations, lots of toys.
It is all the same, you are selling your soul for something. It doesn't feel good anymore yet your still there, your not happy but you think it could be worst.You think you can't find better, you make excuses...it's not so bad...
See I did that for way too many years and I swore I would never do it again. So when I got this trip as a gift from someone I was dating, I knew at the time of the gift that this relationship was over. Believe me, it did cross my mind to suck it up and just go...Hello I am human... and it was an unbelievable trip!
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't fake feelings I didn't have. Pretending to want to be there with this person when I knew good and well he was not the man for me.
Look, I had to fake it for so many years, that I refuse to have to do that on my new lease on life.
So I broke up with him and believe me, so many people called me crazy. They said just go, it's a once in a lifetime trip, suck it up....Yes, I heard it all but I still couldn't do it.
I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay and this was not okay.
I had already realized he was passive aggressive and controlling, I was not going down the same road I fought so hard and for so many years, to run away from.
No, I was going to be honest, I was walking away with dignity, with my self respect. I was done and nothing, not even a bucket list dream vacation was keeping me here.
I, like so many other of my friends don't need to be hit over the head with the same lessons, going from one abusive relationship to another. I learned my lesson, time to move on, cut my losses and be ready for the one God has for me.
I am in the second half of my life, I can't waste time nor do I want to waste time on things that are not good for me, or not going somewhere. I have big plans for this half and pretending, not being me and selling my soul is not on the list.
If a luxury catamaran cruise is for me, it will happen...I will not have to sell my soul for it.
There have been so many lessons I've learned in the 6 years that I walked away from my marriage. There have been many eye opening experiences, life changing, ahh haa moments in this journey but the biggest lesson I've learned is to be me, be true to myself.
I will no longer compromise who I am, I will no longer settle, I will no longer live making others happy, this is my life, and I am going to live it my way.
So today my friends instead of sending you a postcard from some exotic place, I am on this treadmill writing this. But I can tell you I am happy, I am good with this decision, with my life.
I own my dignity, my self respect, I am the captain of my own destiny and I know that nothing is worth the price of my soul.
"Be the change you want to see"
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"
My book "The blessing in Disguise"
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