How To Even…Fool Your Body Into Thinking You’re Exercising When Really You’re Just Being a Lazy SOB*

11 min readDec 20, 2020

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

*Hey, these are just jokes, don’t be dumb.

Bodies, huh? They take a lot of work to keep them sputtering on. Science tells us we need to exercise so we don’t sink into a pool of our own flab. But that’s what Big Health wants you to think. Do that nonsense and you’ll be left all sweaty and in shape like a fool. A thin, sweaty fool.

Well we say no! We’re not going to let the tyranny of our bodies continue. We refuse to exercise. Also, we’re kind of afraid to, at this point. But there’s the whole being able to not die from walking up stairs thing. Or not getting out of breath from sitting up. So, as much as we might punish and hate them, we’re stuck with our bodies until we can upgrade them to robots that transform into cars and dinosaurs. We propose some alternatives to exercising that will allow us to reap the same benefits without all that icky moving around stuff.

Watch a Scary Movie

One of the most important elements of exercise is getting your heart rate going. It’s like amping up your exercise. How better to get your heart racing than watching a scary movie? Or maybe a presidential speech? Or, if you really want to get your heart going, watch a video of yourself walking around a beach in a swimsuit. You’ll be terrified in no time. Then, just walking to the fridge for a snack will count as aerobic exercise.

Home Liposuction

Liposuction isn’t technically supposed to be done for weight loss; it’s more of a cosmetic thing. But that’s just because Big Liposcution is in it with Medium Sized Exercise, so they’re both getting rich off the cash cow that is us flabby people.

You’ll need a vacuum cleaner with a strong suck factor. Like your mom.

The vacuum needs some kind of nozzle and hose situation. The smaller the better. Clean it thoroughly. Like, wipe it off real good with a fresh-ish napkin or something.

Now, shave your belly button area. This won’t really accomplish much, but it makes the whole thing look legitimate. Then, apply some disinfectant. We suggest alcohol, but maybe you don’t want to waste the good stuff. Maybe wipe it down with one of those moist towelettes you got from that fast food chicken place.

You’re going to need to make an incision, which is going to hurt. But will it hurt as much as actually exercising? We don’t know, because we never exercise. But probably not. Or maybe.

Once you’ve made the incision, stick the vacuum cleaner nozzle to the hole and turn it on. Once you wake back up after passing out, you’ll see that things are being sucked out of you. This will probably cause you to pass out again.

Also, you’re probably going to be sucking out some important stuff like your intestines. And also blood. Maybe…actually, don’t do this. Never mind. DON’T DO THIS. Let’s just skip to the next one.

Train Birds to Life You Off the Ground

This is pretty self-explanatory. You’re going to need to train a bunch of birds, which means you’ll need to acquire a bunch of birds. Certain species are easier to train than others. For example, The Alabama Smart Ass is known for its irascible nature, whereas Lesser Milquetoast tends to be much more amenable to doing what you tell it to, though it will probably grumble behind your back.

There are a few drawbacks. You’ll have to invest a lot of time in training the birds, as well as the money feeding and housing them. You’ll need a large number of birds to pull it off. Don’t expect them to really be able to get you off the ground, either. They’re not super-powered. You’re just looking for some lift. Also, all those birds are going to poop on you. Even if you train them really well, they’re still going to poop on you. There’s a pretty good chance they’ll poop down your back/shoulders/back of your head, etc., so as long as you’re facing toward whoever you’re trying to fool, you should be fine. Another disadvantage is that your friends and random passersby are probably going to mention the flock of birds struggling on your arms, shoulders, and head. You’ll need a convincing cover story, like that you’re training for a role in a Dr. Doolittle reboot. If they ask when it’s coming out, just tell them it’s stuck in development hell.

A slightly different approach would be to train a bunch of ants to carry you. You’ve heard about how ants can carry 20 times their weight? Well, if you have about a million of them, they should be able to carry you. What’s great about this is you won’t even have to walk anymore. You’ll glide on a living carpet. The biggest drawback to this approach is the never-ending nightmares it will cause you and anyone who sees it.

Move to Mars

The real problem, here, isn’t so much weight, itself, as it is gravity. It’s gravity that’s holding you down on that recliner, covered in Cheez Doodle dust. It’s gravity that’s making you struggle to lift your eyes up to see in front of you. Gravity is a big old meanie, and it’s about time someone put it in its place. That place is Earth, and to a lesser or greater extent, everywhere else, but you can leave the tyranny of gravity behind — sort of — and simply move to another planet. We recommend Mars. (Uranus just isn’t sexy enough. And Europa has been overrun by hipsters.) On Mars, you’ll be able to not only walk short distances, but even jump and possibly fly (we haven’t really investigated the science, here).

One drawback is the whole “needing to breathe” thing, but you can take a lifetime’s supply of Oxygen or probably make some out of water or something if you’d rather use that space for Oreos. But really, haven’t you become a little too dependent on Oxygen? Also, you’ll need food, but as we’ve all seen, Matt Damon can teach you how to grow potatoes from your own poop if you ask nicely.

To accomplish this move, you’re going to need Bezos-level money, so maybe come up with a super-successful online shipping site. Or sell tacos or something. Everybody loves tacos.

Buy Really Big Clothes

The trick to buying big clothes is you need to think they’re smaller than they are. This is tricky, because if you change the tags, you’ll know you changed them. That won’t really work. Even if you hire someone to change all your tags, you’ll know. The only solution we can come up with is for you to randomly pick a stranger, break into their house, and substitute all their clothes for clothes one size bigger. This is going to take some planning to really pull off, but it will be worth it. Then, you’ll just have to hope someone does the same for you.

In a similar vein, you can let the batteries run out in your scale so it doesn’t register your whole weight or just stays stuck at some totally inaccurate weight. It says you weight 27 pounds! Guess eating that entire box of Zingers won’t hurt after all!

Wear a Muscle Suit

The benefits of a muscle suit are two-fold. One, it makes you look like you’ve got muscles. There we go. Exercise problem solved. The second benefit is that muscle suits actually tend to be pretty thick, which means you’ll be very hot while wearing it (maybe hot-sexy but also hot-sweaty). Once you start really sweating, you’re actually probably going to lose some (small amount of) weight. So stay hydrated. If you do pass out (which is likely) at least passersby will think you’re super sexy, until you get to the emergency room and they start cutting the muscle suit away to reveal your true body.

Transfer Your Brain

The thing about bodies is they’re flawed, and it can be pretty hard to fix some of those flaws. They’re not like a computer program where you can just install a patch or maybe reboot to fix something. But you know what is like that? A computer program. So why not upload your brain onto a network — or better yet, transfer it into a cybernetic body?

There are so many advantages to this, we don’t even know where to start. Uploading your brain onto a network means you can access information anywhere in the world without having to go to all the trouble of typing it into Google. So maybe go for the new body.

Let’s say you break a limb. Now, you can just replace it. Or if you’re getting flabby, replace your gut with a gut 2.0, i.e. one that isn’t full of pudding. Also, you can probably upgrade all sorts of things so you can fly or shoot laser beams or get free Netflix.

There are a couple of disadvantages, though. For example, Shasta cola would probably short you out. You’re definitely going to set off alarms at the airport. Also, everyone and everything you love will grow old and die while you’re left just the same. But you’ll have sweet upgrades, so screw them.

***

No matter what your approach is to avoiding healthy living, the most important thing is that no one know. You get to keep being the same old lazy you while they think you’re a totally different version of yourself. Sure, they might notice that you get winded from looking at something too hard, but they’ll be too focused on your sweet lie-body to figure it out. It also helps if you have really dumb friends. So lie back, open that third bag of Oreos, and keep enjoying life while the suckers sweat all over everything.

How To Even…Fool Your Body Into Thinking You’re Exercising When Really You’re Just Being a Lazy SOB*

Written by Trenonbisa