Hamster Wheel

Here is where I shall start.

It has been a long time since I last touched a keyboard intending to create poetry or prose. For a number of years, I had been dedicated to expressing opinions on mobile devices either purchased by own means or borrowed from partnered manufacturers. Upon starting my job with Apple in 2006, my Trent Sense blog/YouTube channel began with a desire to speak on tech…especially tech that ran on the Symbian OS created by Nokia. This eventually led to my being noticed by WomWorld Nokia, a company that lent me Nokia review units and sent me on various trips to tech conventions as I continued Trent Sense. This alone enriched my mobile tech interests and online social circles in ways I could’ve never imagined. Though I wasn’t involved in creative writing at that time, I satisfied that part of myself through acting onstage and oncamera. I had already been in a relationship that continues to this day after over 14 years and acquired a college degree from a technical school. Like chapters in a book, certain periods do come to a close…and that is what happened with Trent Sense and my acting as well as Nokia itself.

I was suddenly left in a space that was anything but comforting, and enduring years of unemployment with school loan debt didn’t make it any better. Sure, I maintained loving and meaningful bonds with my partner, few friends, and acquaintances, but there was still an emptiness from within. It was as if I had careened out of the solar system and into vast nothingness…no sound…no company…just me. Self-doubt reigned supreme as I felt inferior to everyone else around me. Relocating to the Northern VA/D.C. area was a great opportunity since it eventually led to my current IT job that is the most rewarding position I ever landed. I thought the emptiness would go away as I continued to build a life with my partner through a new job and a new house, but I was wrong.

Daily work commuting via drives, Metro rides, and walks for at least 1.5 hours left me feeling like a hamster in a wheel. Was that what my destiny came to? Had I signed up for a sentence of working to pay on bills and debt and eventually dying off into the dust of the planet?

In this moment, right here and now, I still feel that emptiness. In fact, I recall that I had always felt it throughout my childhood and even during my Trent Sense and acting years. At times, it seems like it can be described as depression stemming from a constant awareness of being different from those around me at any point in time. But I think it is much more than that, for just as much as I can wallow in the depths of melancholic lows, I can also soar into euphoric highs when I can appreciate the beauty of being alive. It is not unusual for me to get lost in thought about life and all that resides therein…especially if a touching piece of music moves me. I am fully aware of my tendency to feel every emotion to the utmost degree from within the confines of my heart and mind. Is this emptiness simply my having a broader scope of the universe around me? It must be. It has to be.

Anyhow, I am glad that I am on this keyboard writing out these thoughts. It all started when a friend of mine had recently asked to take my words into a guest post onto her own Medium blog. Explaining in that post how I came to the breaking point of denouncing all religion was cathartic, and I hope to continue that with future writings of self-examination as I keep on through this life.