Are you a Melbourne Coffee Snob?

Melbourne coffee lovers are a unique breed, blessed with the power to make cafe owners around the world groan inwardly. They’re the ones barraging the barista with endless questions about the origin of the beans and what oil they use in their beard and you call that a flat white? If you’ve done any of the above and finished with “sorry, I’m from Melbourne,” then you, friend, are a Melbourne Coffee Snob.

Don’t worry, so am I. Being a coffee lover from Melbourne is like being in the cult of Crossfit . It’s not enough to enjoy it, you need to make sure everyone else knows about it, too.

Here’s how you can tell if you’re a true Melbourne coffee nerd:

• Portafilter, refractometer, volumetrics. You know exactly what these things mean.
• You drink cascara as a palate cleanser.
• You probably ought to have shares in Hario.
• You find yourself analyzing the notes in every liquid you consume.
• You know that “Breaking the crust” has nothing to do with bread.
• You shun sugar.
• You follow Matt Perger on at least two social media platforms.
• You travel with an Aeropress hand grinder and supply of Melbourne beans, just in case.
• Your motto is “I’d rather have no coffee than a bad coffee.”
• You can usually tell if your flat white is any good as it lands on the table in front of you. Then you’ll use your teaspoon to scrape back the foam, barista championship style.
• You feel physical pain when someone says “expresso”.

Traveling around Australia and need to ensure you don’t ruin your morning with the worst cup ever? They won’t look at you strangely at these cafes:

NSW

Let’s start with rival city, Sydney. Here they’ll really give you the death eyes when you harp on about being from Melbourne. For a lark, try asking for a “magic”. When they don’t know what it is, commence the Melbs brags. Sure you’ll be tempting fate, but life is for living, right?

The kids at Single Origin and Gumption will hook you up with a suitable brew. If you need your hit of hipster then head to Newtown where Campos and Newtown Brewtown will make you feel right at home with their trendy pastries and great coffee.

ACT

Turns out pollies like caffeine too. The Cupping Room is worth a visit if you find yourself in our capital.

SA

You’ll actually find Melbourne beans in several cafes here, like Exchange and Monday’s (can’t fault ’em for recognising quality!). If you’re game to put aside your Melbourne snobbery try locally roasted beans at Paddy’s Lantern and Coffee Branch.

WA

Perth, not just for mining!

Tbsp is a far-flung bayswater cafe is serving up excellent coffee,but also stick around for their Asian-influenced brunch. Humblebee and Harvest Espresso should also be on your list.

QLD

We get the best coffee, but these lucky scoundrels get the best weather. If you find yourself north of the border pay a visit to Gramercy, Botero or the back alley stylings of John Mills Himself. On the Gold Coast, ESPL will hook you up (the owner is from Melbourne though, so you know it’s gonna be good)

TAS

Getting all cultural at MONA for the weekend and need your hit? Pilgrim is a safe bet and there’s rumour that relative new comer Shake A Leg Junior is also worth checking out.

And more…

For 100 suggestions around Australia check out this Top 100 Coffees list from Yelp.