OCD Is Not What You Think It Is

I’ve lived my entire life with OCD and I didn’t know it until a few weeks ago. I’ve:

• Never buckled or unbuckled my seatbelt X times
• Never opened and closed a door X times
• Never washed my hands palm-first, from right to left, X times

That’s because I have “Pure-O,” and it seems a lot of other people do too. On the other hand, many people do suffer from the kind of outward gestures above, and it can be debilitating. But that’s just one piece of the puzzle. Here’s the general definition of OCD from NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health):

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a common, chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.

Did you know that OCD doesn’t always result in the outward compulsions that we commonly associate with it? Mental compulsions (obsessions) may be the only symptom many people with OCD ever experience. The compulsion then is the need to repeat certain thoughts over and over, to resolve an internal conflict or prove to yourself something about… something. That sounds vague, but that’s because OCD is vague. Did you know another part of OCD is being OCD about having OCD? Even after my initial “Ah ha!” moment, which I’ll get to in a minute, I still argued with myself as to whether or not I actually had it. Because I couldn’t prove to myself that I did. And that’s OCD’s game — doubt.

My Story

Unbeknownst at the time to me and my family, my story with OCD started as a child. 17 years ago to be exact. At least, that’s the first time I remember dealing with it heavily. When I was 9 years old, the Columbine shootings happened. This was a horrific event, and it spurred a lot of big questions for people around the world — in politics, in the media, etc.

It also led me to ask some big questions about myself. Questions that no 9-year old should have to field, especially internally:

“Could I be like that? Am I capable of killing someone?”

This plagued me. I couldn’t “prove” to myself that I wasn’t capable of committing such an act, because I played and loved video games (and one of the big questions society was asking was, “are video games creating killers?”), I had been angry before (so naturally, I’m doomed to be a murderer 🙄), etc. Playing video games and getting angry were normal occurrences for a child, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t have a stamp of approval from someone who could see inside my head, inside my soul, and tell me that there’s no way in a million years I could ever, under any circumstance, hurt someone like those two boys did.

I believe it was a couple days later when my mom heard me crying in the shower, and came to get me. I was sobbing uncontrollably because of these weird, intrusive, interrogative thoughts that I was constantly plaguing myself with. Being the awesome and understanding mother that she was, she sought help from a friend who was a therapist. After a few therapy sessions over the next couple weeks, I slowly stopped badgering myself with these ridiculous, self-accusatory questions.

Little did I or my family know, this type of cyclical mental processing was going to continue, manifesting itself in different subject matters, for the rest of my life. I had OCD; I just didn’t know it yet.

Recently, I was on a tour that spanned roughly six weeks. I had proposed two days before departing, and was still working full-time from the road doing freelance web development, while also running a business and trying to plan a wedding with my fiancé from across the country. I’ve come to learn that if there’s one thing that makes OCD worse, it’s a combination of stress and not having a routine with structure.

As the tour continued on, my mental state was declining rapidly. There were times where I’d be putting up gear or wrapping cables on stage, and I’d get stuck in a mental cycle of “Am I a(n) <insert-despicable-adjective-here> kind of person?”, “Could I do <insert-morally-questionable-act-here>?”, etc. I’d be thinking about things completely unrelated to whatever it was that I was doing at the time. One of my bandmates would see me walking around like a zombie and snap me out of it. Unfortunately, my eyes and hands may have been redirected to their prior activity, but my mind was elsewhere — accosting myself for things I hadn’t and would most likely never do. Accusing myself of being the type of person that I really hope that I’m not. And I have to say things like “most likely” or “I really hope” — because I have OCD and I feel the need to be vague when I don’t have a stone tablet with the answer engraved on it right in front of me. You get the point.

I did some research online to see if this kind of thinking was normal. Turns out, it is! At least, it is for people with OCD.

“Wait! Maybe I have OCD then... Nah, I don’t have a single repetitive behavior. That can’t be it.”

Then I came across this article. I was almost in tears.

Bullet-point after bullet-point, it was like they were listing every aspect of how my brain functions. I was seeing a blueprint of my mental processes. The randomness of the subjects that are worried about, the unpleasantness of them, and the horrible feelings associated with not having answers on many of them —I’m not alone. Other people deal with this.

Before this, I would feel the need to describe these ridiculous and/or awful thoughts to a close friend, family member, or my girlfriend to get it off my chest and get some reassurance or approval (which became my OCD reward system). I can’t describe how embarrassing and emasculating it is to feel like you have to divulge the worst thoughts you’ve ever had, just for some mental and emotional relief.

OCD Explained

The reason OCD is so ridiculously torturous is that thoughts are internally perceived as threats or dangers, when in reality it’s not that — it’s just a thought. How many times have you had thoughts just pop into your head out of nowhere? Or bizarre dreams that you had no control over? We don’t always have control over what pops into our heads. But OCD forces you to try and fix it anyway, as if whatever possible scenario has popped into your head has already happened or is destined to.

For many, these thoughts aren’t the only thing they’re struggling with. Some people spend hours a day, locked in a cycle of repetitive physical gestures trying to find relief. But, as mentioned prior, you may or may not have any outward compulsive behaviors. I am fortunate enough to not have many of the physical obsessions that some with OCD have (I have a couple, but they’re trivial), but I have OCD nonetheless (I think? 😉).

My Hope

I want to help other people who deal with this. If you’ve experienced anything like the symptoms I’ve mentioned above, please consult a psychiatrist or psychologist. If you’ve ever obsessed about anything to do with:

• Sexuality
• Violence
• Morality in general
• Relationships (particularly those romantic in nature; see ROCD)
• Religion
• Others’ perception of you and/or your actions (e.g. you’ve thought something along the lines of, “How many exclamation points give off the proper tone in this email?”)

Then please, don’t go another day without at least consulting someone who’s had experience in diagnosing and/or treating patients with OCD.

Still unsure? At the very least, take this quick test as a simple diagnostic tool for some reassurance. However, if you have any of the symptoms above, and you don’t score above a 12 on that test, go see a professional anyway. Mental health is not something to play around with, and you may be able to experience a quality of life you’ve never known before with some simple therapy. I’m starting CBT and ERP soon.

Most importantly, remember:

You are not crazy.

You are not filthy.

You are not alone.