The Value of our Relationships: The power of your honest interactions.
Something I’ve always known about myself but never been able to put into words until now, is specifically what parts of relationships I value with others. Now when I say “relationships”, I mean communication between those whom remain a stable asset in my life. My parents, my brothers, my friends, and those I’ve held romantically all fall under this term. I have always gravitated towards those that are able to speak their mind, or teach something. I really only value those that always give me their honest opinions, and I rely on the people that I know aren’t going to ever feed me bullshit. Honestly, I don’t see a point in maintaining a connection otherwise.
When it comes to men I’ve dated, I’ve always chalked it up to being attracted to guys older than I am, and many have been in some form of a position of authority above me, in whatever sense. It’s not about power, it’s that I value their skill set for the particular thing I’m also interested in, usually the same way we happen to connect. They know more than I do, and the ability to converse, discuss, learn, and watch someone else work at something better than me is so fucking interesting. I think about all of the past attractions I’ve had, The music boys, the boy studying medicine, the other photographers/ videographers, even bartender boy opened my eyes to new things about wine and beer and spirits that I didn’t know.
And they all had 2 things in common:
- I thought they were all better at it than I was
- They were always straight with me about how I could be better/they wanted to talk about their interests as well.
This is the form of real attraction. Not the “Eyes from across the bar,” we think is attraction, but the deep interest that takes time. Many of the physical aspects, mannerisms, and other small intimacies grow on us and come after the initial ability to connect.
Recently a friend of mine went to give me a correction, stopped himself, and started to apologize. After all, you don’t want to come off as rude to someone else. Without thinking I said, “Don’t! You should tell me. Maybe I need to hear it.” I mean, we’re all going to do what we want in the end anyway right? Maybe that little seed of influence grows in our heads into a better understanding of how things work.
As humans we need to be challenged and feel like we’re improving. We need to learn and to grow within the aspects of life that interest us, and there is nothing better than those deep, intellectual conversations mixed with just a couple hits of outside perspective.
We value and respect those that are honest with us. I watch a lot of people in committed relationships project their insecurities out loud, and the natural response (usually in men, but also in women) for their significant other to immediately jump in and disagree. Like, ALMOST interrupt the thought to tell them they’re wrong.
“I look fat in these pants.”
“No you don’t baby, you look great.”
“I think I put too much sauce in the food I cooked tonight”
“No way, it was great, I loved it, ate every bit.”
“I don’t think this came out the way I wanted it to”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, it looks fine”
“I wish I could have done better…”
“You did great!”
Now these responses, as intentionally good-natured as they are, could be really heartfelt and totally true, but you’re also:
1. Robbing the progression of intellect.
2. Telling me my thoughts are wrong.
3. Creating a separation in understanding between us.
I’m not fishing for compliments, (Well, really I’M not. There’s a saying, “Girls want attention, women want respect,” and I’m not prompting to hear something good about myself from you.) I’m genuinely trying to work out how to improve on an idea, and now I’m alone with that thought. I am now by myself in feeling that way about that particular thing, because you’re so easy to dismiss challenging it, or actually engaging in the growth of it. This isn’t how we support each other, this is frustrating as shit and usually why I get tired of being around people.
At the end of the day, we respect those that speak their minds and help us learn. We enjoy being around the natural leaders of the world, those who (maybe even without knowing it) have good methods to communicating better ideas. Those who can guide the conversation when something needs to be improved upon.
So I encourage everyone to have the conversation with the people in your lives. Tell your family and friends you value their honest options and trust them to tell you the truth. Even if something stings at first, you’ll get over it. Understand that when you start a discussion on a negative aspect or insecurity about yourself, you’re really just looking for a more constructive problem solving method. Compliments are nice and all, but unless they come completely unsolicited, do you really value them the same?
Lets be more open to a correction or someone showing you a different way.
And stop being afraid of offending one another and actually help each other out. I promise it will make us better, well-rounded people, and there are no limits to how much we can all accomplish.
