Unhappiness teaches Hope
These past two months, I was not happy because I had to live with someone I find very irritating. I thought grimly, “So this is what marriage could be like..”
What I find terrible is that I have not even been in love with her -because I don’t fall in love with females- so nothing in me finds her quirkiness adorable. I did not choose to be with her. I have no precious memories with her to look back to when times get tough.
Now, I have to live with her in the same house, work with her in three projects and bear her presence which I think is too much.
This is why, even if I always find the morning North Sumatera sky breath-taking and the admiration of my Indonesian friends flattering, I have not been happy most of the time these past couple of months.
Sometimes, I think, “Oh Lord, take me. And take me now.”
I have to take it back, though, because dying early would cause my parents shame and make people pity them..something I wouldn’t want them to go through.
Team mates would tell me “There is joy in serving Jesus.” “In God’s presence, there is fullness of joy.”
My ears bleed, I want to vomit, and if I can tele-transport, I would, everytime I hear them tell me this. Of course, because love is kind, I simply smile and say “Yes, yes, that is right. You are right.”
In my mind “So insensitive.”
Then I read chapters 38 and 39 of Psalms.
I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue:
I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
..I as a deaf man, heard not; and I was as a dumb man that openeth not his mouth.
I was dumb with silence, I held my peace even from good;
and my sorrow was stirred.
Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs.
Wow, that was so me. My sorrow was stirred because I just want to reprove her, but then again, I would be reproving a sister of her quirkiness, not of her sin.
Almost every moment with her, I would find something wrong, then I have to keep it in because, deep in my heart, I know Jesus is worth this little sacrifice.
My teammates would then talk of stories of people who have gone crazy. Gone home mentally sick.
“Lord, if you don’t show me mercy, I would certainly go home mentally sick.” My heart whispers.
“However, You are so worth it. If keeping these all in, if bearing with these unbearable people whose sense of humor is vastly different from mine,means obeying You, then it is fine with me to be perpetually sad.” This, my whole being screams..and yells with gusto.
For me, Jesus is still worth it.
Then, in the same chapters of Psalm, King David writes:
And now, LORD, what wait I for?
My Hope is In Thee.
For in Thee, O LORD, do I hope:
Thou wilt hear, O Lord, my God.
In this period of gloom and sorrow, behind smiles and calmness, I am learning a precious lesson:
I have discovered that Hope is best learned in the presence of sorrow.
The absence of happiness is the best time for us to learn hope.
In my case, hoping in the Lord.
Not everyone gets to learn this.
This thought, that I am learning hope, brings a ray of sunshine in my dismal days of living with people I don’t like.