Blocked: My Inner Battle and Breakthru With The Music Industry

Trina Harmon
Aug 23, 2017 · 3 min read

On February 28th, 2017, I posted a picture celebrating the day I got my piano back after several years of living without it, proclaiming, “It’s time again!”

Since then, I’ve been wrestling tigers, stuck in a cage with the door wide open. Each time I sat down to play, I felt awkward and angry. It was like trying to fall back together with the love of your life, but still unsure if you can really trust each other. When people asked if I was writing, I seriously felt like punching something. When others told me I should be writing, I broke down in tears. If only they knew how badly I wished I could.

My battle with writing songs again was not because I forgot how. It’s certainly not because I don’t have something to say. And I’ve been in the overflow of desire and inspiration. No, my fight has a clear opponent, and that is my past.

As much as my 20+ year songwriting career blessed me greatly, it also damaged me.

The feeling of powerlessness began to outweigh any purpose.

Being in demand felt replaced with being taken advantage of. When I would give more, I received less, and it turns out many of what I thought were true friendships, were merely strategic partnerships. It’s possible because my whole identity and esteem was wrapped up in being Trina Harmon the songwriter, I cared a little too much. Actually, another successful writer once told me that. The thing is, I can’t separate my care from my necessity to write what flows uniquely through me. I care very, very much about what I may be remembered for one day, and about fulfilling my own destiny, not someone else’s idea for me.

I also have regrets, or the classic, “I wish I would’ve known then, what I know now” syndrome. And regret hurts like hell. I don’t know how this brave, gifted and determined young girl who survived the worst in life became so lifeless. How did she completely lose herself, without realizing she was lost? Who could she have become?

Even though it’s been years, 12 exactly, since I left my 2nd home at Warner Chappell, I’ve realized I’ve never grieved that loss. And it occurred to me last week, maybe that was the animal I’ve been afraid would demolish me. But one thing I’ve learned about grief is, it’s just Love with no place to go. It’s all the love you want to give, but can’t..until you can again.

And last night, it happened. I wrote an entire song by myself in 45 minutes, and then played it over and over again until the sun came up. It was just like the old days, but not. My ‘why’ has changed. My whole experience of writing has changed, because I have changed. I hate to think, I’ve missed “my time,” as another jaded songwriter once warned me. In fact, I think my time may just be beginning. God is either protecting you, or preparing you in all times. And as long as there’s still a song in my heart, it will remain timeless.

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Trina Harmon
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