Why do We Have So Much Difficulty Asking for Help?

We often think asking for help a sign of weakness and that being self-sufficient makes us more successful.

I’ve spent a lot of my life managing on my own, firstly as a single parent and later earning my living from a home business. I liked to think I was self-reliant because to me that meant I was strong, not weak, but the truth is that although I was fairly handy with a lot of the repairs & maintenance, there were some things that were just too daunting, like moving to a new house, and I was only too happy to accept offers of help.

Actually asking for help was another story, and for me, a big step up from accepting offers of help. Why that was I didn’t ask myself back then, but study and personal development point to this reluctance we all seem to have, being based in fear of different kinds.

1. Fear of revealing our struggle and looking weak or needy
2. Fear of presuming on a friendship we value too much to lose
3. Fear of imposing on people we don’t know all that well
4. Fear of owing favors which we’re not sure we can pay back

There are probably more fears than this, but you’ll get the idea.

Since, at some stage, even the best of us need help, it’s suggested that we tackle these fears by looking at them from the other side.

If you were the one being asked to help, would you agree? Usually the answer to that is a resounding yes, of course. After all, people like to help others, it is not only good for them and a good thing to do, it makes us happier. Research shows it makes us healthier too. When you do something good for someone else, the sensation known as helper’s high is produced when your brain releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals of the brain.

Nearly everyone is happy to be asked for help, without it affecting friendships, without them feeling imposed upon or that anything was “owed” to them.

My experience has been that people who offer to help:

1. Are sincere in their offer: they mean it.
2. The responsibility falls on me, not on them, to follow-up.
3. The best way to take them up on their offer is to give them a specific task.

Even relatives aren’t mind readers, so making a specific request makes it easier for people to help. Saying “I could use help occasionally” is too vague and a well-intentioned helper won’t want to keeping asking what they can do for fear of bothering you. Tell them!

If you’re still hesitant about asking for help, try this:

1. List what you need help with; be specific, such as helping with your computer, doing a bit of laundry, some cooking, fix a dripping tap or changing a light bulb.

2. Write down the names of people who have offered to help and see if you can match people with tasks based on their interests, what they’re good at, how much time they have and when, plus how comfortable you feel about asking them for help.

3. Then take action. Start with one thing on the list, contact the person you feel comfortable asking to help with this task and ask directly if they would do this one thing for you.

The person you’ve called or emailed is likely to be thrilled to finally be able to help. If you get a “no”, don’t take it as a personal rejection, it may have just been an inconvenient time for that person. Gather your courage to try again.

Instead of feeling you’re placing a burden on the person you’ve contacted, remember that if you did the very same thing for that person, you wouldn’t consider it a burden…so, go for it!

It can also help to sincerely acknowledge or praise their abilities with jobs like that; they’ll likely take is as a compliment as we all like to have our abilities appreciated.

Useful phrases for doing this are: Would you show me how to…?” “Can I pick your brain?” “I’d appreciate your perspective on something?” or “I haven’t done this for a long time; can you give me a refresher?”

After help has been given to you, try not to feel a sense of being indebted, instead, show gratitude. So, instead of saying “I owe you one” say “Thank you very much, I really appreciate getting that done”. Your helper will feel much better about doing a good turn.

We all have gifts to share, time, talent, connections, insights, experience, skills, resources, hospitality. And most people love to share them!

I have some proficiency in different areas to do with computers and am only too happy to help people who are stuck with something; yes, it feels good to use my knowledge to help people. These people may not help me in return, but they certainly help others; “paying it forward” is a great model.

We can all do so much more together than we ever can alone. Too often though, we struggle on alone rather than reaching out for help when we need it most. Fear gets the better of us while depriving others of a chance to show they care and share their gifts.

Giving and receiving creates connections that are important at the personal and community level and this helps to build a happier society for everyone.