Final Draft: Creative Nonfiction

What You Tolerate vs. What You Deserve 
You know that in spite of the fact that you detest his pain, you are fond of his touch, and it is possible to take him back after each alleged “mistake”. You love the nature of your forgiving and feign forgetful heart. The way you turn the other cheek to his “repeated” emotional misdemeanors. You feel true and strong as if you’re the epitome of a real “ups and downs” kind of gal. You feel compelled when you sit with your friends and talk about the extent of your supposedly, falsify love. You confide in them. These girls who knew you before you became a gullible, unsuspecting “wing it out” kind of nitwit. You chuckle and grin when they compliment your endurance. You feel that you are doing the right thing since no one is telling you what the right thing to do is.

You know that you don’t deserve this, but what exactly do you deserve? You hope that in your bearing hardship he’ll eventually come to his senses and do right by you. But when are you going to come to your senses and leave the “non-existent” relationship alone. You felt worthless by the second and third “mistake”, but you thought, what kind of lady you would be if you walked away from the “nothing” you build. You know that perhaps you are not the reason, but you still blame yourself. You are not so right on with this thing as your girls led you to believe. A few more incidents. You are running on the bread crumbs of your will. You are slowly pulling away, but not enough. This “love”, this “relationship” is requiring more energy and resilience than you initially expected. You are constantly bouncing back as if you’re dough. But what did you expect? That the cute guy with sweet talk would be lasting good news? At this point, you are raveled in too tight with expectations and attachment and potential and the beloved — disappointment.

You know that you are still tolerant when he says that he is sorry and it was a stupid impulsive decision. You keep trusting him even knowing that he is king joker. He’s sweet for the rest of the afternoon and if it’s your lucky day, he’s sweet up until tomorrow. He appeases you for the lost count time. You are endlessly turning the blind eye to him but no one else. You maintain the pain, the hurt, the “when will it get better”. You realize that this is pass borderline disrespect, but you still hold on. For what? Because while he’s disrespecting you, you are also disrespecting yourself. Your heart doesn’t want to leave, but that brain of yours is telling you to get the fuck out. And for the lost count time, you shut out your brain again.

He did it again

You know that even if you had the courage to leave you wouldn’t, because you’re so stuck on the “what if’s”. You know that if you did leave he could find ways to woe you to come back, so you think to yourself “what’s the point”. You watch him. You try to figure out the puzzle in his head. When you do ask him what’s going on, he recites the tired cliché “I’m still trying to find myself”. And for the lost count time, you heart misleads you into thinking that’s his first recital.

He did it again.

You know that he doesn’t care. You constantly try to tell your self that guys will be guys. You resent the fact that maybe his feelings aren’t proportionate to yours. Immediately you recollect your confidants expressing that if he meant you well then he would act right. In an instant you begin to feel shameful and foolish. You start to think how he could possibly have strung you along for so long with insufficient bait. His rod wasn’t consistent and his lure wasn’t potent. But he still managed to hook you and keep you hooked. You vividly recall moments of inconsideration, neglect, and inattention. You stand frozen as if your remembrances are not enough to piece how you’ve gotten here.

He did it again.

You know that you’re not the only one. You notice that his phone never rings or vibrates, but he steadily taps his fingers on the phone screen. You try to figure out how is he texting if you don’t hear anything coming through. But its clear as glass that’s he’s hiding something. There is something that he doesn’t want you to see. The only obvious thing would be a conversation with a female; an inappropriate conversation at that. You realize that when you come close he puts the phone down or move the screen away from your direction. Your heart sinks eight feet with the thought of him with someone else.

He did it again.

You know that him being with someone else is the best thing for you. You just can’t help but to feel hurt that it’s a possibility. It also pains you to know that his next lure is happening under your nose and he knows that you sense it. He doesn’t bother to make you feel differently, he doesn’t even address it. You know this is happening, yet you still do nothing about it. Him leaving instead of you leaving him would take away the guilt you’ve been dreading. But how could you feel guilty for wanting better for yourself? Your only escape might be never mentioning his silent phone or interrupting his secretive lure. The only cost with this is an expected heartbreak.

He did it again.

You know that the little romance has stop. He stopped calling you 20 times a day, he stopped caressing and massaging your body, he stopped giving words of affirmation, and most of all he stopped caring about what’s going on with you. For any normal person, that would be enough to leave the “non-existent” relationship. He doesn’t care to make you feel attractive and special anymore. You start to think if he ever did, because how could he just suddenly stop. You close your eyes and attempt to relive the sentimental, dreamy days.

He did it again.

You know that he doesn’t look at you the same anymore. He doesn’t look at you as if you’re the light to his day, his ease to his pain, his right to his wrong. He doesn’t look at you at 
all. Its as if he doesn’t even notice you. You bought a new purse and he doesn’t admire it. You change your hair color and he doesn’t even compliment it much less stare for a while. He doesn’t hold your hand in public and you have to initiate every kiss. The babe and sweethearts aren’t even a thing anymore. You guys aren’t even a thing anymore.

He did it again.
 
You know that communication is key. Its been four days without a word. He hasn’t called or texted you. You’ve called him endless times without response. He’s avoiding and ignoring you. Your heart starts to panic. You began to think how he could go so long without wanting to talk to you. Doesn’t he miss you? Doesn’t he care how you’re feeling? Your mind starts exploring all suspicions finally. You think that maybe he’s with whomever he’s been having conversations with on his phone. Not a word and day five is approaching. You call and call again. He’s without a doubt ignoring you. Your heart is in pieces and yet your still foolish enough not to call it quits.

He did it again.

You know that the longer you stay the worst it gets. You seem like you with no respect for herself. If you don’t have respect for yourself then why would he. He’s gotten comfortable, there’s no need to charm you anymore. You’ve stayed this long without the charm, why try to keep you with it. You’ve been teaching him how to treat you. You don’t confront any of his wrongs, so it seems as if you don’t mind. There’s nothing holding you except “potential” and that’s not even enough.