50 People On Help & Support

A social experiment exploring the intangibles of humanity

Over the past weeks of living in a global pandemic, I’ve constantly felt the need to help and support others, but have found myself confused and aimless as to how to do so. So, I decided to reach out to 50 of the best people I know, and ask them to candidly and anonymously share their experiences with help and support. Here’s what I learned.

Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash

83% didn’t raise their hand.

I asked each person to share the story of a time when someone supported them in a meaningful way. These stories ranged from incredibly detailed accounts to vague overviews. The stories centered around everything from jobs to relationships, from decisions to exhaustion, and from medical procedures to trying to get Expedia’s customer service on the phone. After each story, I asked, “did you ask for their help?”

Only 17% said yes.

Of the 83% who did not directly ask for help:

• 39% shared that the supporter knew to get involved because of awareness of events that had occurred or context from past conversations
• 61% shared that the supporter seemed to ‘just know’ due to a deeper intuition, understanding, or relationship

Sometimes, support starts with an ask or a raised hand. But more often, support starts with a silent need and a thoughtful observation.

We are f**king bad at asking for help

The 50 People seemed to unanimously agree that humans are rather challenged in the skill of asking for help. People are uncomfortable asking for help. People don’t know how to ask for help. People dismiss offers of support. One of the 50 People got a pit in his stomach just at the thought of asking for help. Another asked for tips on how to ask for help. I was nervous and anxious about asking the 50 People to help me with this project.

It seems like there are a ton of reasons why we suck at asking for help, and not many ways to get help asking for help. That is very meta, and probably deserves a project of its own, but for now, here are a few ideas we were able to glean from the 50 People.

• Asking for help is the solution to a problem bigger than just your own. Because people don’t ask for help, people don’t know how to help. Which leads to people designing an entire mini-project around figuring out how to help. Which leads to emailing and calling 50 people, and each of them spending an hour or more thinking about this and recording their thoughts, and then spending more hours trying to aggregate and study these thoughts for insights. All of this and one of the biggest findings about how to help is that people don’t ask for help. One person asking for help could have alleviated this whole confusing process. So please, for all of our sakes, let’s ask.
• Before the moment of need. It’s usually easier to think clearly when you’re not in an intense or emotional moment, so talking about when we may need help with loved ones before that stressful moment of rock bottom arrives may help. One of the 50 People expressed that she was able to be supported meaningfully because she and her supporter had previously discussed how she might need support in certain situations. “I think there are many ways to support or be supported, and communication is required to facilitate.”
• Looking to experts for advice. One of the 50 people recommends the book, “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer. “My first thought with help/support is that people are generally really bad at asking for it when they could use it, so it’s almost like a skill to develop on its own. Seeking help or collaboration is powerful and the way most great things in the world have come to be.”

Solutions or comfort?

Whenever I’m with a friend who is struggling, I always wonder whether to go with hugs and love or come up with the next steps and a path forward, so I asked the 50 People about this specifically.

When given the choice between comfort or solutions, just over half said that they most often offer solutions. The same was true when choosing which they preferred to receive. And while the majority offered and wanted the same type of support, around 30% wanted to receive the opposite of what they were most likely to offer.

The conclusion here is that different people need different types of support at different times. And although this insight may seem fully unhelpful at first glance, the awareness of this fact can make us all better supporters.

Here are a few ideas to try out in different situations to help hone in on how you can help or support from the 50 People:

• Listen, ask, and listen some more. “Listen” and “ask” were the most common words used by the 50 People. One person even wrote “listen” four times in a row, so we’re pretty sure this one is important.
• Small can be big. “Even a small kind gesture — making a cup of tea or offering to go on a walk or a quick facetime — can make a huge difference in someone’s day.”
• There’s not always a concrete solution. “Struggle, pain, sadness, are all part of life. And sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and hold on with the person until things get better.”
• Build the IKEA bed. Some shared about support during the toughest moments of their lives: cancer, abortion, break ups, death. And some shared about meaningful support that came from the more average days, like assisting in building an IKEA bed or when the rice for dinner was burned beyond edibleness. Moral of the story: don’t miss chances to provide meaningful support in the most average of situations.
• Creativity is care. “Many people feel uncomfortable asking for help or support. Listen to the little clues that can help you figure out the best way to support. ‘Let me know if there is anything I can do to help’ can be less effective than surprising them with something they didn’t even remember telling you they liked or something that makes them laugh.”

Help and support only work when they respond to what is needed. It’s not simple, but it’s helpful.

Help in the time of COVID-19

I also asked all of the 50 People for examples of help they had given or received in the midst of coronavirus, and I think one put it well, “It’s been an incredible few weeks witnessing how much love and support result from times of crisis.” There were tons of examples of digitally connecting, checking up on people, doing errands/chores for others, doing silly things to make friends smile, and sharing resources. Here are a few favorites that are actionable for all of us:

• Your Top 10. One major finding from this project is that the most meaningful support often comes from people we’re closest to. So, make a list of the top 10 people in your life. Think of something that would make them each smile that you can do from afar, and do it. It will be some of the most meaningful support they can receive.
• Get Applesauce. One of the 50 People tells the story of a man, Marty, who she sees on his porch as she passes every night on her daily fresh air walk. “It’s become the perfect opportunity for a little sidewalk distanced chat. One night Marty mentioned that it’s been tough getting applesauce for his wife, who is recovering from a stroke. It’s her favorite, but he can’t find it anywhere, seems to always be out of stock. Since that conversation we’ve become his “Applesauce Fairies.” It’s become a highlight of the week for all involved. Pay attention — you just might find a way to become a fairy yourself.
• Tell great supporters what made them great. Hearing/reading all of these stories of meaningful support has been an amazing experience for me, and I’ve started to wonder if these supporters had any idea that stories about them were being told. I asked a few of the 50 People if they’d shared their gratitude recently with these supporters, and most had not. So, take a moment to share some gratitude to someone who has helped you. Not only will it add it a little sparkle to their day, but it will also help us all become better supporters.

50 People define support

I also asked the 50 People to provide a one-sentence definition of support. What follows is the long, complex, and yet refreshingly inspiring compilation of their responses.

Support is a pillar to lean on, scaffolding during construction, action, or presence. It is being in service, listening carefully, asking questions, offering help, hearing, validating, being present, showing up, sharing capacity, sharing time, providing care, holding up, providing common-sense conversation, giving alternatives, understanding the problem, propping up, stabilizing, elevating, reducing strain, using your strengths and ability, advising, holding up, bearing weight, listening without judgment, providing stability, believing in, encouraging, empathizing, backing up, being actively involved in another’s life, holding space, being there, comforting, uplifting, and protecting.

Support is relevant always, at a time of need, when they need it most, when experiencing hardship, when things are too heavy, when facing the weight of life, until they find their strength, and until they can walk on their own again.

Support can alleviate a burden, make it possible to thrive, expand their capacity, achieve their end goal, solve an issue, get through a challenge, reduce their stress or weight, ensure their goals are fulfilled, and make it possible.

Support can be unwavering, practical, emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial. It can be provided in the way they need it, even if if you can’t relate, and with compassion.

Support is for Someone or Anyone.

Other resources on help & support shared by the 50 People:

• 12 Truths I learned from life and writing TED Talk, Anne Lamott
• The 5 Love Languages, Book + Website
• I Hear You, Book, Michael S. Sorensen
• Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus Book, John Gray (recommended if you can ignore the gender lens, and take the lesson across humans)