John Lewis 2014 Christmas Advert: Rejected Concepts
Much like the Manhattan Project or a Daft Punk album, those of us working on the annual John Lewis Christmas advert are sworn to secrecy until the opportune time for release.
To give you an idea of the discretion needed; I’ve had to convince every single person I know that I’ve been working an entry-level job at a PR agency for the past twelve months, rather than as the lead copywriter on this year’s installment. It’s been incredibly difficult at times, and I’ve alienated almost all of the people I care about most with the relentless disillusionment I’ve been affecting about my fictional alternate life, but it’s all been worth it in the end.
Andy Street, John Lewis’ CEO, was constantly in and out of our tiny squat office, telling us that if we failed to make it a sufficiently saccharine bit, he’d have to lay off several thousand staff, leaving many families in the lurch at Christmas. “Fantasy or reality,” he’d joke. “One of the two has to be filled with sadness this Winter. It’s up to you to make sure it’s the right one.”
This year’s effort premiered this morning, and the reaction has been incredible! We’re so proud of it and your views, likes, shares and sales make it all worthwhile. So thank you.
As a special treat for all you cloying tearjerker fans, I thought I’d share some of my concept scripts that didn’t quite make the final cut...
- The Best Christmas Ever
EXT. LIVING ROOM — MORNING
The family are gathered in the ideal middle-class living room. It has a Victorian sophistication meets gaudy sixties art-deco feel and is filled with John Lewis furniture. The room is bedecked in Christmas decorations and a fire crackles softly in the background.
MOM is sat on the sofa enjoying a warm embrace with her twin children TIMMY and SARAH. The children are craning to see what DAD is doing behind their obscenely tall Christmas tree. He finally appears, wielding an offensively large present and hands it to Sarah.
She rips it open. It’s an exact replica dolls house of the Saint Petersberg Winter Palace. She squeals and Timmy shoots her a scowl, which evaporates when he sees Dad returning with an equally large box.
He opens it — it’s the fastest bicycle in the world. He claps his hands together and immediately starts riding it around the living room. The children stop playing for a second and rush over to Dad, hugging his legs.
Dad turns to Mom, who is looking at him adoringly.
DAD
I haven’t forgotten you my sweet.
He produces a tiny delicately wrapped box from his pocket. He stares into her eyes. A smile gently eases across her pristine lips. Dad’s eyes glaze over.
DAD
This is going to be the best Christmas ever…
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
i. INT. HOMECOMING DANCE — NIGHT
Dad is a seventeen year old, stood in an ill-fitting baby blue suit, looking around himself. He spies Mom for the first time. They lock eyes.
Dad shuffles over and fumbles in his pocket. He pulls out a flower and offers it to her. She bows her head and slowly allows him to place it in her hair.
She raises her head — she wears the same expression we saw in the living room. They lean in and share their first kiss.
ii. INT. CHURCH — DAY
The couple are at the alter. Dad places the ring on Mom’s finger, then pulls out another flower and fixes it in her hair. She smiles that same smile and they kiss again. They church erupts in cheer.
iii. EXT. CARRIBEAN BEACH — DUSK
Mom and Dad are frolicking in the sea on their honeymoon. They fall down on the shoreline. Their eyes meet. They stop giggling and stare into each other’s eyes. Dad pulls out another flower, places it in her hair. She smiles and bites her lip. They lean in to kiss.
iv. INT. HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD — NIGHT
Mom lets out a sigh of relief, exhausted. Dad hands the twins over and she hugs them tightly. The parents’ eyes meet again, he pulls another flower out of his scrubs, she smiles and they kiss.
v. EXT./INT. DREAM HOUSE — DAY
It’s a beautiful day and the family have just bought their first house. Dad opens the door and the children rush inside the model home. Mom places her arm around him and the parents survey their new home. They lock eyes, he pulls out a flower, smile, kiss.
vi. INT. DREAM HOUSE — NIGHT
Mom tucks the children into bed and they immediately fall asleep. Mom looks tired, and Dad appears behind her and places a comforting hand on her shoulder. She turns around. F/S/K.
PRESENT DAY
INT. LIVING ROOM
Dad opens the box. It’s that same flower. He leans in for a kiss.
DEREK, Mom’s new husband, enters through the door.
DAD
GET OUT.
Dad grabs Derek by his lapels and hurls him through the window. During his flight, Derek’s leg has become ensnared in one of the cables for the fairy lights. The cable yanks out of the wall, causing a spark which sets the tree, and soon the whole room, alight.
The children scream and Mom’s head falls out, causing the children to collapse.
Dad looks on in horror. The scene suddenly morphs around him. He is not in the dream house living room, but in his dank shed. He has faithfully recreated this tableau of his former family with John Lewis products.
He collects up the children — mere doll toys with printed out pictures crudely sellotaped on — and then turns his attention to Mom. She is a terrifying Frankenstein-y effigy, made of fabric, wires and utensils.
He carefully balances her head — an intricate mesh of cutlery — back atop the body. He places the flower in her egg whisk hair and kisses her.
He leans back and smiles, his face is bleeding from the kiss.
DAD
This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Derek’s singed voodoo doll body hangs out of the still burning shed.
END.
***
As you can see, many of the key themes and motifs were eventually salvaged for this year’s delusional child and his penguin Monty, so hopefully you get a kick out of seeing the nucleus of the idea!
***
2. Parasites Lost
INT. KITCHEN — MORNING
GRANDDAD and GRANDMOM bustle about the kitchen, frantically juggling all parts of the Christmas dinner. The rest of their family runs amok through their house, with different players — children, grandchildren, cousins — rushing in and out of the kitchen.
The stressed grandparents catch a glance amidst the chaos. They are stood under mistletoe. They smile at each other and GRANDDAD takes a mince pie off a tray and holds it between them. They both slowly lean in and take a bite of each half, slowly munching their way closer together, Lady and the Tramp style.
EXT. MINCE PIE — MORNING
Two tapeworm larvae are snuggling atop the cosy surface of a mince pie. TREV is a male and TINA is a female (her face has bigger eyelashes or something.) Suddenly teeth appear from either side, destroying the world around them with each bite. They both go to clasp each other in panic, but the two pairs of teeth separate the plains of the pie.
INT. KITCHEN — MORNING
The grandparents kiss and swallow.
INT. GRANDDAD’S MOUTH — MORNING
Trev swirls inside Granddad’s mouth. He flails, trying to pull himself out, but he can’t resist the flow. He is sucked into Granddad’s gullet.
TREV
Tina!
MONTAGE — GRANDDAD’S INNARDS
Trev suddenly meets resistance. He’s grown, doubling in length without realising. His tail has caught around some blood clot. After much struggle, he yanks himself free. He breathes heavily and pulls a forlorn face. He looks down at a locket on his neck. It’s Tina. He steels himself, then hurls himself further inside the host with reckless abandon.
(RESEARCH THIS BIT PROPERLY IF ANDY S GIVES US THE GREEN LIGHT)
A time-lapse sequence begins and Trev battles the elements. He endures the blistering winds of the lungs, the searing heat of the heart, a blizzard in the pancreas for some reason. He reaches the intestine and finds himself expanding faster than he can move. Still, he drags his carcass forward and soldiers on.
Finally, the exhaustion overcomes him and he collapses.
CUE CARD: “The following Christmas.”
INT. GRANDDAD’S INTESTINE — MORNING
A defeated Trev is dozing on the floor. He’s been hitting the bottle hard since giving up on freedom and looks worse for ware. A faint rumble wakes him. He turns towards the noise confused. It becomes louder and louder. Food and debris piles towards him and he is caught up in the tide.
A small chink of light expands as Trev hurtles towards it, until it engulfs everything in brilliant, blinding white.
INT. DINING ROOM — MORNING
The family are chowing down on Christmas lunch, practically finished. Importantly, the table and furniture is all from John Lewis.
Granddad and Grandmom are sat next to each other in the middle of the table, take the last bite of their shared mince pie and swallow.
EXT. GRANDDAD’S ANUS — MORNING
Trev looks around himself, bleary eyed. He is protruding from Granddad’s anus. His vision slowly returns and out of the haze, Tina comes into focus. She is protruding from Grandmom’s anus.
The two tapeworms lean in and share a kiss — the camera zooms out showing the two hosts doing the same.
END
***
3. Billy’s Gift
INT. HEADTEACHER’S OFFICE — AFTERNOON
BILLY, a very cute but slightly pathetic looking boy is sat in the corner of the room with his head bowed. His MOM is meeting with the HEADTEACHER.
HEADTEACHER
Your son will never amount to anything, I’m afraid. He is one of humanity’s grains of sand, slipping through the hands of life. Your son will leave no mark on this world, I advise you to seriously consider giving up on him Miss Harris, if you haven’t already.
Mum turns to look at Billy, who has recoiled within his puffa jacket. She sighs sympathetically.
EXT. PLAYGROUND — AFTERNOON
Marcus bounds up to a group of children, clutching a football.
BILLY
Hi guys! Wanna-
The children form a circle and begin spitting on him in tandem. He trudges away, dragging his faded hand-me-down Alan Shearer lunchbox along the ground behind him.
Mom looks on from across the playground. She sighs and shakes her head.
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELDS — MORNING
A junior team receives a team-talk from their MANAGER. He is of typical PE-teacher stocky build and goes through each member of the squad, giving them encouragement until he gets to an excited looking Billy.
MANAGER
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE, BILLY? FUCK. OFF.
The whole team stares at him until Marcus trudges away. From across the pitch, where the parents are standing, Mom looks on and sighs.
EXT. HOUSE — EVENING
Billy is kicking a football against the wall of his house in torrential rain. He valiantly rushes and harries, until he kicks the ball at such an angle it rebounds off some brickwork, hits him in the face and knocks him out. He lies on the concrete.
From inside the house, Mom pauses washing up, looks at his lifeless body and sighs.
INT. LIVING ROOM
It’s Christmas day. Billy comes downstairs, with his head bowed in shame. Mom places a hand on his shoulder. He raises his head, his eyes are red from crying.
She produces a John Lewis-wrapped gift from behind her back. It’s a games console and a copy of FIFA. Billy stares at them for a while, then looks up hopefully. Mom smiles.
MONTAGE — EVERY CHRISTMAS OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS
Each Christmas, Billy bounds down the stairs and Mom hands him a new game. The games become increasingly violent in content each year, while Billy becomes progressively more hideous and disfigured with age, but remains ceaselessly happy.
EXT. SCHOOL — DAY
We hear gunshots and the screams of children from inside the building.
INT. LIVING ROOM — CHRISTMAS DAY
Mom polishing off her Christmas dinner and watching television.
Billy is on the news, being lead away after having been sentenced. The words of the headteacher — “your son will leave no mark on this world, I advise you to seriously consider giving up on him Miss Harris, if you haven’t already.” — echo in her mind.
Just before he gets lead away, Billy turns and gives one last look down the camera and smiles. Mom beams back, chuffed. A small tear of happiness appears in the corner of her eye, which she wipes away with a John Lewis handkerchief.
END
***
Merry Christmas.
