10 or 11 things you hope will come true in 2016 tech

Spoiler: They don’t want you to win.

The 2016 cover of the first TechCrunch print magazine.

In response to the 2016 anti-predictions by Sean Percival, Christine Tsai, and Dave McClure, which, for the record, were still predictions that could be totally possible in the Silicon Valley tech scene (spoiler: Stephen Curry is actually starting a venture capital fund called Chef Curry Capital that only invests in food startups), I’d like to suggest a few of my own predictions for Silicon Valley/Roundabout and startup life in general.

I’ll even pull a Ben Horowitz and include a hip hop quote (although next year I hear he’s gone country).

“And just as I predicted here we go again.” -Drake

So let’s get to it (if you aren’t familiar with normal blog formats, that means scroll down).

🔑 Airbnb announces another new logo. This time it’s real.

🔑 Airbnb merges with Kink.com. Logo stays the same.

🔑 A man attempts to live for a year from home using only on-demand services. He dies when 99% of the on-demand startups go out of business.

🔑 Dave McClure resolves to never fucking swear again. He swears again, and again, and right now.

🔑 Cannabis goes federally legal in Canada, but everyone is busy living like Fubar. Plus, distribution is tricky with only one road (South Park context at 2:30).

🔑 Sean Percival makes bold call to invest the entire 500 Startups Nordics Fund into sequels to Trollhunter and Rare Exports.

🔑 Silicon Valley oceanic community BlueSeed builds a Death Star, as it’s the only way to overcome U.S. immigration laws.

🔑 Christine Tsai first realizes her last name spelt backward looks like ‘last.’ Then adopts Last Resort, Papa Roach as her theme song.

🔑 San Francisco rent prices go down. It’s an April Fools joke.

🔑 Elon Musk leaves (Earth).

🔑 500 Startups launches a microfund focused on SpaceTech called 500Martians. In case you didn’t know, 500 Startups already has microfunds named 500Kimchi and 500TukTuks.

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed watch my Medium analytics barely move from this article’s popularity. #HFGSD

If you have predictions of your own that could be considered funny, share them (again, in blog terms that means comment below). Maybe we’ll make a book out of them some day and I’ll cut you in on the Kickstarter rewards.

Feliz Navidad.

And remember to call.

Let’s SQUISH IT in 2016.