How are ties still a thing???

Scott Manley Hadley in a tie, ewww

Right, I’m going to start with a confession that will, for the inevitable tie defenders, justify their disapproval: I don’t wear a tie very often. I had to wear a tie this week, because I did some temp work that required more formal clothing than I ordinarily wear. For this work, I was dressed in a suit and a tie with no hat on, like a real man, like a grown up. Now, I don’t spend my time in tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts (except for when I’m thrashing one of my buddies on the squash court, ammaright!?), but the way I ordinarily dress is always without a tie. Usually you’ll find me in a shirt, in trousers, y’know: smart-casual, which suits me and the work I usually do just fine. When I wore a tie this week, it irritated me from the moment I put it on at 7am and didn’t stop irritating me until I took it off at 7pm. Ties, I feel no doubt in asserting, are stupid, and anyone who thinks they’re not is in deep denial.

Let’s list the ways in which a tie is ridiculous:

One: A tie is an extra item of clothing that adds no warmth. Think about that for a minute. Even the flimsiest item of summer clothing is at least rooted in the idea of having a practical purpose, whereas ties are not. There are reasons for wearing socks, shoes, trousers, tights, skirts, dresses, jackets, shirts, pants, bras, hats, scarves, coats and gloves, but a tie has no practical purpose. It doesn’t protect the neck, as it’s always worn with a collar, and it doesn’t insulate the sternum, because it’s always worn with a shirt. A tie cannot be defended for its practical purpose.

Two: Ties are entirely decorative, yet are treated like they’re an essential part of formal wear. As I’ve clarified above, there is no real difference between a tie and a necklace, yet there’s no disapproval when newsreaders or politicians speak on television without jewellery. Jewellery is treated as something optional, not as essential, and gaudy neckwear is broadly considered to be something very crass. A tie is an optional item of decorative clothing that covers almost the entire front of a shirt. Imagine thinking that it was normal, part of your daily, professional, look to wear a medallion as big as a tie. There’s only one person I can think of who regularly wears neckwear to work that’s the same size as a tie, and it’s Flavor Flav from Public Enemy. Look him up.

If you rocked up to your regional sales meeting with an alarm clock around your neck, fellas, you’d be laughed back to your Audi, wouldn’t you? Yet, instead, it’s considered normal for you to wear massive pieces of patterned cloth tied around your neck, normal because everyone else is doing it. Weird, huh?

Three: Ties are just massive phallic arrows pointing towards your wanger. This is the usual first criticism made of ties, but it gets too much attention. And talking about it here is just talking about the penises of the kind of people who always wear ties, and obviously this is what they want you to be doing, so doing it is in their interest. The more you say “ties are just massive phallic indicators”, the more you’re talking about willies, and that’s what these tie-wearing businessboys want you to be doing. A tie looks like a large, child’s approximation of a penis, and also points at a literal penis (except for when a tie is worn by a person without a penis). Look, I’m writing about penises, you’re reading about penises, ties have achieved their aim of getting us to think about penises rather than clothing.

If you want to draw attention to your penis, just start talking about it, or just point at it with your fingers. We have two hands, both of which are easily able to be curled into a pointing finger, and thus draw attention crotchwards at moments where it is most appropriate and effective. When not wearing a tie, I can bring my johnson into the mind of the person I’m speaking to by pointing at it or by just starting to talk about it. Doing these things, though, particularly in a work environment, is deeply inappropriate, and would — rightly so — result in disciplinary action nine times out of ten. We wouldn’t stand for this, yet we’re happy to normalise most office lads wearing an item of clothing that is barely subtler than those t-shirts that say “gentrify this” and then an arrow pointing to the crotch.

So, to conclude, ties are stupid because they’re decorative but don’t look great, they’re clothing but they make no one warmer, and they’re massive reminders of cocks designed to be worn in places where no one is meant to talk about genitalia. A tie is no different from those hen party headbands with penises on wobbly springs, so how are ties still a thing?