Cuckoldry, Compersion, and Sex Language

Words Are Important

So another dick went inside her. What do you feel? Do you feel like a cuckold? Jealousy? Compersion? Arousal? All of the above? Nothing like a little pain to up the edge on erotic pleasure.

What if it was just a tongue on her clit? Or a mouth on his cock?

The sex world loves to put everyone into camps. Cuckolds. Hotwives. Cheaters. Swingers. Polyamorist. Monogamist. Adulterers. Doms. Subs. Pick your kink, PornHub has a category. The sex world is more politically and socially divided than our politics and the factions are equally contentious.

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On the other extreme of sticking one sexual quirk in a box, there is the extreme of the all-inclusive or as one blogger described herself, trying to be inclusive as possible: “ pansexual, egalitarian, polyamorous cis woman.” Just want to break that down: All sexual, equal opportunity, all loving, but just for clarity and political correctness was born a woman and identifies as a woman, in case that matters to everyone who I am attracted to and in love with.

Cuckoldry is one of those terms that has so many different definitions that it almost has lost any meaning. Cucks has become an insult, but the definition of a married man whose wife has sex with other men is also around. The social connotation of the wife being with other men is that the man is somehow either a dupe, naive, or into being dominated by other men.

Insert Here, Screw Here

And herein lies the confusion. We have sexual definitions that are the equivalent of Ikea instructions: If this goes here, then this goes here. This is good. If you screw up, call the store for further instructions, but this is how it is done.

Technically and definitionally, I am a cuckold several times over, but I don’t feel cuck-y in the least. What I feel is arousal and desire. The poly community would say I feel compersion, but even that isn’t it exactly either. The feeling I’m experiencing is sexual arousal over my partner’s sexuality and my acceptance of that sexuality. She reciprocates and we fall into a virtuous arousal cycle.

Again, the problem comes down to definitions and how we communicate our emotional states, particularly when they relate to sex.

The big secret no one really talks about is emotional states are not static. They change. When she is sitting on my face and I can feel the pulsing on my lips and tongue, I can think about the other cocks that have gone in there, both before and after my arrival in her life, and this amazing sexual being is the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced. Add into that all of the everyday life experience, the day in and the day out, the daily drudgery of surviving and living and there is a richness to being able to access such primal sexual urges by simply going to bed at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night.

I can imagine however, how that same knowledge could and would shift to extreme pain if the emotional, physical, and daily bond was broken. At that point the term cuckold would stop being a term of arousal, but a term of pain. Compersion would disintegrate in the onslaught of jealousy.

In between those two extremes is a whole spectrum of emotional responses, many good, many bad, and some just meh. Maybe that is why everyone is so quick to want to put themselves into categorical boxes that define the permissible emotional states. The categories are a protection against the inevitable shifting emotions.

I can see the porn video now: Wimpy husband looks on as voluptuous wife gets pounded by a BBC. He is supposed to feel humiliated, beaten, submissive, meek, and hurt. Yes, he can experience the sexual arousal, but the pain is there to remind him how he is supposed to feel. It is a caricature in the same way that a puppy pile of flesh at an orgy of all tits, cunts, asses, and cocks is a caricature of total submission to the Dionysian urge.

Sexuality and the human sexual response is more fluid, diverse, and flexible than any definition our language uses, because in the end, sex is a language unto itself — a language we can use to convey emotion, to convey pleasure, arousal, pain, anger, love, commitment, betrayal, and our humanity to other people. And like any language, fluency takes work and commitment. And like writing in any language, more important than even the language is remembering who is your audience.