My Short Tryst With Google

I was hoping for a sensual search engine, an algorithm that engulfs my hard words in its vast digital wetness. I also want to comment on all things American — and what is more American than wanting to make a buck by fucking around?

Google flashes a “Monetize” titty tab that taunts me when I’m trying to write some vile prose— Click Me, Click Me, make me run, it beckons. Being the dutiful lover that I am, I want to please Google, make her little algorithms purr, so I click. As with all initial encounters there is some awkwardness, Google has a particular kink of wanting “cookies” if I am going to get in bed with her. I had a hell of a time getting the damn cookies, because the instructions Google gave me were wrong — I think that slut Microsoft hid them after Google told me where they were — women can be so catty.

After getting Google her cookies, I was ready for a long steady rhythmic fuck of google-plex proportions (and lots of cash), but as I played with her Monetize titty tab, I had to click with horror on things like:

I won’t use AdSense on pornographic sites.

and other puritanical proscriptions on self-clicking and seduction of others.

Google turns out to be just another whore who is more concerned about money, than pleasure and entertainment. By the time the fine print had me wrapped in plastic, I wasn’t so sure I wanted AdSense on my site. Right now, I’m taking solace in the fact that societal commentary, no matter how ribald, isn’t necessarily pornographic, so maybe Google will give me some relief, if only in that shallow commercial way.

I just hope Google doesn’t get mad at me because I pointed out that the Great Whore of Google-on truly is — a heartless strumpet who takes all the fun out of sex in her craving for cash.

My critique aside, I can at least understand Google’s whoring. Now the strumpet Medium has me baffled. Women who just give it up without charging or wanting commitment make me nervous.