Lost.

It’s been a while since I’ve written something in this blog and I don’t really expect anyone to read it, but in the off chance that someone does… Please know that I am in a place of genuine pain and confusion. I’ve lost my way. I have lost sight of who I am, what I believe, and what I love. I’ve been in search of a community and an outlet to let these thoughts and stories flow. So, this is sort of a last resort for me.

Growing up, my dad was never home much. Often, he was gone for a 2–3 months at a time overseas and then home for maybe a week or so. As a little girl, I didn’t understand why he had to leave so often. I didn’t understand why he left to help other children when his own kids needed him at home. I often cried at night screaming for my dad even though I knew he wasn’t going to come home for me. I can’t imagine what my mom has felt. Not only has my mother had to take care of four kids mostly on her own, she has had to endure lonely nights by herself probably wondering whether she made the right choice to marry this man.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, for the longest time, I thought I had gotten over being angry at my father. I had hidden most of my true emotions towards him in hopes that I could just let things go. However, as I have had more time to myself to think, I have realized that anger and resentment still live in my heart. I don’t want to blame him for why things are the way they are, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was a factor. Of course, I am the Trovina I am now only because of how I had to rely on myself and learn things without him. But there’s a part of me that wishes that it were different.

How does this tie into me losing sight of myself and the things I love? Well, in a previous entry, I also mentioned my relationship with Jesus Christ. Now, that relationship isn’t and never will be perfect. I am only human and I can only strive as much as I can to align myself with God’s will.

Like any relationship, baggage is inevitably brought into the picture. Whether that baggage is opened and shared is another thing, but it comes with every person. With my relationship with Jesus, I brought the baggage of my father — the pain I felt, the anger I had towards him, and my loneliness. That is what first drew me to the Cross. It was knowing that this creator out there made me and wanted to know me. He came down to Earth and died for me. He could fill the space that my father had left bare and empty. But what I didn’t realize that I was replacing my father with Jesus. I did not simply give over my pain and brokenness, I just put something else in its place. Whatever emotion I had towards my dad was gone… only for a while, but soon… I started feeling resentment towards Jesus too.

Now you might think… Wow, this girl has major issues. She can’t even trust this God that she so believed in. It’s true. I can’t. At this very point in my life, I feel like it’s impossible. A year ago, I would have told you that Jesus was all I wanted, all I had, and all I was ever going to need. Now, that’s too difficult for me to say. Despite how vital I believe a relationship with Jesus is, I don’t know how to trust him. I am afraid to because I don’t want to trust anyone other than myself for fear that they might hurt me again. That… is how I have lived for 21 years of my life.

Having a relationship with Jesus isn’t always easy. Duh…Like any relationship, it takes hard work and commitment. It’s especially difficult because this relationship is mostly based off of faith. That is why people call a relationship with Jesus faith… not religion. Faith is believing without seeing. Faith is trusting without knowing what is going to happen. Faith is putting your life in the hands of a God that came down to Earth two thousand years ago. But faith is so hard.

Lately, I’ve realized that my faith is based off of nothing, but my pain. It is based off of my need for a “drug”- something to ease my heart so that I could be happy or even just sleep. Like a drug, it wears off and I need it more, but I haven’t been going about it the right way. I abused my relationship by testing God. I took advantage of the forgiveness that He so freely gives each and every person in the world. I ended up making myself God pushing Him away and depending on myself.

So where does that leave me now?

It leaves me lost and confused. It leaves me tired and burdened. It leaves me hungry for a truer and more grounded relationship with Jesus, but fearing my own self and the destruction that I brought once before. It leaves me afraid of trusting Him, but knowing I won’t be made whole on my own. I am in need of new life and I will be in need of it for the rest of my life. There won’t be a day that goes by where I won’t ask for forgiveness over and over again. There won’t be a day where I am too good for the Cross. I will have to give up myself and my burdens to Him in order to fully trust and fully have faith. I have to give up my fear to find my way back to the Cross.