I still think about your departure.
It was me and you, at the backseat of your uncle’s car on a wintry morning. We were holding hands when you showed me the sunrise. We watched it silently as the sun shed its orangish red light on the surrounding bit by bit. A metaphor for a new beginning, I guess. Randomly you would lay your head on my shoulder, and my arm would wrap around yours. My mind was blank, or at least I thought so. Nothing else ever mattered when we are about to part ways. I am always comfortable when I’m around you, but that precise moment is just heavy in some ways that I can’t fathom.
Honestly, I didn’t prepare anything for your leaving. I just didn’t want to think of a scenario with us physically living apart. I avoided it by every way possible, focused on everything that could spare us some time before the day came. It takes me quite a long time to get out of that labyrinth I built for my own selfishness, and by painfully damaging our relationship to the point unredeemable.
I can imagine an alternative storyline where we could continue our journey together, but I don’t want that to happen. I just wish I could tell you that, even now, I still love every little aspect of you. I love it when you pout your lips to make them heart-shaped. I love it when you braid your hair and proudly said that you are a master at this. I love the dazzling look in your face whenever you see me. I love it when you appear on my 15-inch laptop screen after a long day at work. I love that we can spend hours talking about you, about me, about us, about everything. And I love the way you hug me as if we are inseparable. Time is frozen. It feels like we are the only species left in this whole world.
So, if there is one thing that I regret the most, it must be the moment we awkwardly looked at each other’s eyes at the very last minute before your departure. Had I had more courage, I would have held you tight between my arms and gave you a fleeting kiss on your forehead — things I suppose that I would not ever have a chance to do again.
30.08.2022
