His behavior was very dick-ish, and not at all something I would do or condone, but I can’t get behind the idea that a rapist offers an opt-out. If the story you tell is accurate, then you paint yourself as somewhat culpable in that you didn’t take the opportunity to voice your non-consent. I very much like the notion of affirmative consent, but not enough to give it the weight of law; the impracticalities are way too many.
And if you felt under implied pressure to stay quiet, then this is less a story of rape and more the story of an abusive relationship. From what you write later, that’s apparently the case, in which case, he was a monster in spite of whatever kindnesses he showed. For that, I’m truly sympathetic, having been on the wrong side of an abusive relationship myself, one that seemed very good at times, or I wouldn’t have been in it. But it was only that one person who hurt me. No one else deserves to be under suspicion for what that person did.