Mindful Self Talk: Calming Your Inner Critic
For so long my life was unconsciously governed by a very noisy commentator. There is this voice in my head that sounded a lot like:
“You are not good enough”
“You are just lucky and not really capable”
“You should be doing something else”
At one point in my life, I thought I couldn’t control these thoughts. My low self-esteem and insecurity caused a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. Living with this inner critic is exhausting. It is limiting. It can also cause me to overwork and people-please. I decided it would no longer control my actions and decisions.
It has been quite a journey since those times to how I can be candid about my experience and share with you how to potentially deal with this, given that you consciously try to calm your inner critic when it arises. If you notice someone you care about experiencing something similar, feel free to share the available resources and methods — spread the kindness!
So what does your inner critic sound like?
I realized that my inner critic is louder when I’m going into new environments and challenges. A dear friend of mine reminded me to “not let the Impostor Syndrome get to you”. It’s this simple sentence that felt very empowering because finally I have clarity in what I have been experiencing — and I’m not alone.
Impostor Syndrome may be perceived as:
- “Our own fear of not being capable enough”
- “I don’t deserve this acknowledgment of success”
- “It’s when you constantly feel inadequate amongst everybody else in various aspects of life”
If you frequently think like the above — Congratulations, you are on the first step of being aware and you are not alone! Let’s get out of this downward spiral together.
1. Be aware when you are being too hard on yourself
Subconscious thoughts run around our head daily, not all of them are kind. Meditation played a considerable role in my process of being aware that I am separate from my thoughts.
“I am an observer and a witness to my thoughts.
I am not one with it”.
You can liberate yourself just by being mindful. Noticing when you catch a voice in your head saying that you are not good enough.
Being outside your comfort zone, comparing yourself to other people, self-blame and any negative self-talk can trigger an inner critic. Catch it as soon as it arrises.
2. Consciously practice self-compassion
To some extent, having an inner critic is wired in our DNA. From an evolutionary point of view, homo sapiens have to be alert and scan for threatening things and avoid them to survive. The problem is when your mind is making everything a threat and a problem that is not necessarily true.
When this is the case, I found being honest, kind and compassionate to ourselves is needed. I would say to myself:
“Thank you. I know you are trying to help me, but I got this”
One key takeaway from sessions with my psychiatrist is to frame things positively through Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It may sound intimidating but it is a pretty good framework to see a cup half full rather than half empty, or just being grateful that you have a cup to fill anyway.
I recently received a book from a dear friend, Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence that describes a step-by-step method to rewire and strengthen your neural pathway to be able to feel more joy in the simple things in life. It mentioned that if we mindfully linger on a positive experience longer than the experience itself, we will start seeing things on a more positive note.
3. Realize it is a journey, take it easy at one step at a time
I used to be very impatient. Impatient for results. Impatient for improvements. I was a toxic perfectionist, one of the many types of Impostor Syndrome that you can read from this book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It.
Realizing that we are all in our own ways, a work-in-progress and we should love the imperfect life that we have. We should enjoy the process and the 1% improvement that we can have daily. We are not in competition with anyone, just trying to be a little better than we were yesterday. Choosing to be grateful, to be joyful, to be kind to ourselves and others.
I genuinely hope that your negative self-talk will no longer hold you back from what you are meant to do in this world.
Lots of love,
