I’ve been thinking quite a lot about death lately. A year ago this week, my youngest sibling hit an icy patch with his Ford Windstar. The vehicle turned sideways and was struck by oncoming traffic. His widow was on the phone with him when it happened. She heard his final moment — his final words. He was mumbling something incomprehensible as his mind slipped away.

He left behind two beautiful children, aged 1 and 3 at the time. They’ll grow up with nothing but the ghost of his memory — what little they can recall of him and what those who knew him can tell. But they’ll also be able to experience their father through his writing.

While my little brother was by no means a scholar (or even the greatest with grammar and spelling), he was an active social media user — facebook, namely. I’ve found that when someone passes away, facebook preserves their account ‘in memoriam’. After a few weeks of his passing, I notified the powers-that-be and his account is now sealed as a memorial. His last comment was some goofy joke about a forklift at work.

But that’s it. That’s where it ends. The final entry in his life’s repository was on February 4th, 2015. Six days later, he was gone.

About a month ago, I got word that a friend I had lost touch with after undergrad had killed himself. We studied Physics together at the University of Wisconsin — River Falls. Junior year, he went off to finish his studies in engineering at a different campus. That was it. That was the last I’d heard of him. Retrospectively, the signs were all there. He was often depressed and began to withdraw from people — even before moving away. At one point, he ceased all social media activities altogether. Unlike my brother, he deleted his facebook account and had his life’s repository wiped clean.

This is all I can find of him — his only words scrounged up from an old facebook chat with “Facebook User” (his is the text in bold):

whats up!
R u ready for the electronics exam?
Nope… lol.
I’m looking at it though. I did pretty shitty on the scientific programming exam. Shitty semester… shitty year… I’m just glad it won’t be troubling us too much longer.
yeah, i know! Its going to suck. But on the bright side. its almost over! right? lol!
Oh, I sucked ass on the programming exam! I thought that i was going to get a good grade on it too. He hates people who skip class!
Why does the syllabus say 3:30–5:30 and my notes say 1:00 tomorrow?
I am pretty sure that its at one. Sean said that its at one. I cant wait for it to be over!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah…. I think I am going to start studying tonight… I really don’t want to. I have zero motivation anymore this semester. I’ve just totally given up in calculus, I fucked up the scientific programming exam… hopefully I wont die on the electronics… this semester just needs to fucking die.
I totally agree. Just remember your not the only one that feels that way. I am struggling too!

Some time went by after this conversation — he’d become rather withdrawn. After a bit of political sparring (as was our mutual hobby), he’d blocked me from facebook. The rest of it — I can’t help but find a bit unnerving.

Come on, dude…. I said I was sorry and I can take a hint. You don’t need to disown me. I won’t try to debate you anymore. I’ve just enjoyed our exchange of ideas that we’ve had in the past. But if you don’t want to debate, you can just tell me.

I am stressed beyond belief……. I always want to debate i just am freaking out… the doctor told me that i might have a brain tumor. I get checked on friday.. homework is kicking my ass and i have to work at 4 in the morning so i can pay my bills
Im sorry that im so edgy…. im honestly not mad. but i cant put up a good debate right now
Oh, shit dude! I had no idea… I really am sorry and I totally understand.ok thank you dont tell anyone… only a couple profs no right now
No worries. Let me know if you could use any help in MPE or something.
ok thanks….
MPE home work
I am so lost. can you help me get started..
SOooo I cant get “a not” but after that its really hard… have you had much luck

I’m pretty much finished… I have the Sigma Pi Sigma induction from real soon to about 9… so after that I can help.

That’s the last I have of him — our final exchange. It turned out he didn’t have a brain tumor, but migraines from stress, depression and detoxing off of caffeine.

From what I can gather, he did go on to get his BSc in engineering and married a beautiful young woman. But then it ends. In early January, a few days before his wedding anniversary, he took his own life.

In stark contrast to my brother, his trail of information — the memories, the pictures, the videos, silly comments are all gone. Try as I may I’ve only been able to find his obituary and a couple of go-fund-me pages for his widow.

As much as my brother is gone, he lives on through the information he left behind. His children will be able to, one day, look at this vast memorial of data my brother left on his facebook account. They will be able to get a feel for who their daddy was — what he sounded like, looked liked and how he thought.

My old schoolmate, as I see it, has suffered a fate worse than death. When he decided to take his own life, there was no life repository left behind. And, as disturbing and callous as it may sound — his memory will erode and he will be forgotten.

In the days following his suicide, his widow made an announcement. She is currently carrying his unborn child.