My Will, Wavering Wearily (Final Draft)

I was seated at my desk that summer, on the line with one of the hundred or so people I would interact with that day, troubleshooting some trifling issue with their computer. Scores of my colleagues, who showed up just as I did every day to perform this unbelievably monotonous task, were lined up neatly at the desks surrounding me. My eyes couldn’t help but wander to the picture windows at one side of the building, where rays of sunshine illuminated this unfortunate scene. I had been working full time at a call centre for two years, and by this time, I was thoroughly sick of it.

I had only ever intended for the job to be temporary, and with the next school year just a few months away, now seemed like a better time than ever to quit. It was around this time that I resolved to turn my self-study of Japanese into a career that would allow me to achieve greater things than I ever could as a technical support agent. I couldn’t have been more relieved to submit my letter of resignation. It was truly liberating to be able to walk out of those doors in search of a brighter future. With that said, this was still Thunder Bay.

In this isolated city in Northwestern Ontario, there was just one university, and no Japanese programs, let alone a foreign exchange to speak of. Even with the savings I had accumulated over the last couple of years, I came to the conclusion that going to school in another city would only result in a financial disaster, and so began seeking alternatives. I soon discovered that in actuality, I only really needed a bachelor’s degree to obtain reasonable employment in teaching or translation across the Pacific. In the end, having long since had an affinity for reading and writing, although perhaps against my better judgment, I went with the English program.

I was determined to succeed, but also consumed by a feeling of uneasiness that I couldn’t quite shake. Did I make the right decision? With the money I saved toiling away in a call centre for two years on the line, I found myself so absorbed in this question that I could feel it impacting my mental and physical health. At that time, it wasn’t uncommon for me to have panic attacks, seemingly out of nowhere, which was a terrifying experience for me. I would overcome this for a period, but during my first year at Lakehead University observe time and time again that I was very susceptible to collapsing under pressure. The uncertainty of my future, and of my success, was haunting me. Filled with anxiety, and falling in and out of deep bouts of depression, I struggled to find meaning in what I was doing. Somewhere along the line, I lost faith in myself.

“You have dreams, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Aren’t you going to make them come true?”

“I can’t possibly…”

“Why not?”

I couldn’t answer. I knew that this internal struggle was pointless, but I couldn’t rid myself of it. Eventually, the stress culminated during my final exam period, and I became seriously ill. I recall watching Takeshi Kitano’s 1996 film Kids Return during this time, a story about two youths who are lost and searching for their purpose in life. It was very uplifting, and I have no doubt that it helped me to recover faster. I wasn’t able to make it for my last scheduled exam, but would thankfully be able to sit for it a few days later. Somehow, I had made it through my first year, but I knew that my condition was impacting my performance academically. Not wanting to go on like this, I would spend the summer attempting to reaffirm my ambitions. I was able to spend a lot of time with Japanese during this time, which was something I had difficulty keeping up with during the school year. The ability to explore the language at my own pace again without worrying about writing essays or studying for tests was a revitalizing experience for me, and this served as motivation for me to continue my post secondary education at Lakehead University. I might not intend to study English literature in the future, but I couldn’t deny that this degree is essential. I would continue repeating this to myself both in an attempt to justify the ever expanding void in my bank account, and to keep me from conceding to my lingering doubts.

In reality, I wasn’t convinced; I’m still not convinced. As much as I might enjoy (and simultaneously suffer through) my study at Lakehead University, it is ultimately but one step in a much larger process. If I can’t manage this much, then there is no hope for the future. But just as I thought that I was ready to tackle my second year as an undergraduate, my heart sank deeply with mixed emotions. At this point, it had become a routine. My determination would peak, only to hit rock bottom. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t escape this depression.

As I write this, I’m fine, but I can’t say much about how that might change in the coming weeks. For the time being, I firmly believe in the dream that I’m chasing. Have I made the right decision? Can I succeed? Will my efforts pay off? These are questions which, although they might bring me much distress, I can’t possibly begin to answer at this stage. I can only move forward in spite of this looming uncertainty, in hopes that I might one day escape this lonely city on the lakehead.