I told myself today, “I’d never live a lie again.”
My mind has played tricks on me as it subconsciously relives the traumatic moments of my past.
Unbeknownst to me, I had adapted to a lifestyle of unhealthy behavioral patterns which have haunted me from my youth.
How did I allow for these things to comfortable settle with in me? How did I not see the vast warning or the sign of character flaws which needed to be changed?
Enraged! I became angry with self and decided to part ways with the real me.
Lost and abandoned, I lived life like Cain; a vagabond.
Having no peace, I did what I could to find moments of happiness but I squandered with pain because I was living a double life.
Holding on to old ways trying to become someone new is very draining. It’s like fighting Mike Tyson with one eye open and no trainer to guide me.
Please hide me and take me away, was what my flesh wanted to do.
I couldn’t run from the shame of losing myself as I was constantly exposed to the painful results of my bad decisions.
A woman of faith has been living doubtfully. Serving God 10% and robbing Him of the 90% I knew I could give.
Truth is, I couldn’t give to Him or to anyone what I didn’t know I had. But it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t know, it was the choice I made to forget what I knew since the beginning of self realization.
I contemplated giving up.
Deep in my heart I knew I had to perserve.
I love God and those who are important to me deserve my best including myself.
So I taken the time to examine my decisions up until this time and the truth is, I’ve been living lies.
Accepting my flaws to be my identity and believing in I was unworthy. Insecure in my body and unstable in my mind. I had no choice but to believe I was no good.
That’s the choice I had made until I discovered the opportunity to choose again.
Today I leave a mark in the sand of how I made the choice to live again.
My first step is to forgive myself. Second, to reaffirm who I am. Third, to live in truth.
Allow me to reintroduce myself to me. It is a pleasure to finally meet TuChina.