The hardest conversation is: I Need…

We all know the feeling, getting really bent out of shape over someone else’s behavior that seems to happen over and over.

Each time it comes up, we grit our teeth, maybe slide in a quick side comment or two but gradually the pressure inside us builds until it is INTOLERABLE!

Then our emotional Mt. Vesuvius erupts all over our relationship, burning everything down to the ground. We feel like crap and the other person is left wondering where the hell did that come from? There is another choice…

My first exposure to the concept of a needs conversation came when attending a program called PAX — which is designed to cultivate understanding between the genders and inspire amazing relationships between men and women.

To paraphrase the PAX facilitator, a needs conversation goes something like this:

I’ve noticed ______ and that is not working for me. What I need is _______, are you willing to provide that?

A needs conversation requires us to reach deep into the well of courage, to allow those first words to move out from our brain, pass over our tongue and manifest into the space between ourselves and others.

Whew, deep breath, did I just say that? What’s going to happen now?

I have observed three potential outcomes:

1. The other person says, ‘I am sorry, I didn’t realize it was affecting you that way. Yes, I can provide that for you.’ Measure of a true friend or true love.
2. They walk away. Ouch. But once the hurt subsides you realize the relationship was not the right fit, you appreciate their honesty and you feel great that you stood up for yourself.
3. They somehow try to make you wrong for asking or for having needs. Double ouch. Red alert — toxic relationship! You now see this is a person who may never respect your needs, may never be willing to listen or they are so deeply wounded themselves that they are not ready for a healthy relationship — or may not even know how to have a healthy relationship.

The only solution is for you to walk away. We all have been there trying to ‘fix’ someone else or thinking maybe they will change if I give them the benefit of the doubt. With practice you get better at recognizing toxicity sooner. Choosing to leave a toxic relationship fundamentally shifts your personal power and how you view your worth.

We often delay this crucial conversation, talking ourselves out of it. Knowing we are putting everything on the line and we’re not sure what is going to happen.

Or do we?

I would guess that most of us are pretty tuned in to what is going on, we probably already know the outcome. Often it’s because we know, that we procrastinate and allow the lava of rage to build up.

I made a commitment to myself and others to prevent the emotional eruption. To be proactive, to have the conversation, to move forward and face what I already know to be true.

So, what do I need?

• I need spiritual practice to be the guiding centerpiece of my life.
• I need to care for my mental, emotional and physical health so I have strength and vitality to share my gifts.
• I need people around me who are also willing to have conversations about their needs.
• I need to challenge myself to learn and grow every day.
• I need a strong, loving hug.
• I need to dance.
• I need to fully embrace my creative nature.
• I need to laugh until I cry.
• I need to cry until I laugh again.