Disembodied Torso Seeks Perfect Ten for Detached, Impersonal, Business-Like Sex

An Awful Person’s OKCupid Profile

My self-summary

I’m just your average lower upper-class-raised, whole-heartedly entitled 28 year-old Caucasian male looking for some no-strings fun.

I like to keep fit and I’m looking for girls who are HWP, DTF and H-O-T! LOL, amirite? I take care of my body and I expect the same from any girl who wants to date me. C’mon, your body is your temple, ladies.

What I’m doing with my life

I work hard and I play harder. Not really, but that’s what you’re supposed to say, right? As you can see, I have a razor-sharp sense of humor.

When I’m not slaving away all day over the ping pong table and Heineken mini-fridge at the start-up where I’m Chief Systems Administration Supervising Coordinator of Administrative Systems (I’m kind of a big deal — Anchorman! Haha, great flick! Almost as good as Anchorman 2!), I’m at the gym doing a little rock climbing or relaxing with a few Smoke-Infused Citron Tea Tree Cocktails at a mixology bar (is there any other kind of bar?).

The first things people usually notice about me

People are often repulsed and confused when they see a disembodied torso wandering the streets, but once the shock wears off they almost always comment on my chiseled physique and super original tribal arm band. You can’t tell from this picture, but it has a yin yang in the center because I’m super in touch with other cultures and exhibit a humble, well-informed awareness and sensitivity to non-Anglo religious iconography at all times.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

You know, the classics: Jason Mraz, Kayne, Taylor, that “happy” song… usually just whatever’s on whoever’s Spotify playlist whenever it’s on or whatever, I guess.

I love superfluously fancy “street” food, pop-up anything, almost everything the chef at our start-up makes except for when she uses too much truffle oil because it’s like omgbarf.

Check it out, read this like the beat of a techno song: brunch, brunch, brunch, brunch. LOL, amirite?!?!?

I love watching The Voice because it’s like American Idol was before American Idol sold out. And, let’s be honest, that guy from Maroon 5 is my man crush. Hashtag no homo, amirite?

But for serious I told my ex Kendall that that dude was my go-gay guy.

The six things I could never do without

The Newest iPhone, Axe Body Spray, Axe Hair Putty, Indoor Rock Climbing, Brunch, Axe Mouth Wash (basically a mixture of Axe body spray and Axe hair putty)

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why are so many girls on OKCupid always rambling on about smart stuff like “preferred pronouns” and “slut shaming” or whatever. C’mon, ladies, nobody likes a smartypants… you’re never going to find a husband acting like that.

And what’s with every other chick having a profile pic where they’re not-so-casually holding up theirs arms to display their pit hair? I mean who cares? We get it, you’ve got a body. It grows hair. You’re not a radical, Monica, you’re just reading lame books.

On a typical Friday night I am

Getting wrecked with my boys. But not so wrecked that I’ll risk missing Saturday brunch. C’mon, Saturday brunch is like the best thing in the world next to Sunday brunch. If we could figure out a way to combine Sunday brunch with Saturday brunch I’m pretty sure we could achieve world peace or something or, like, go back in time with Marty McFly and shit… I know a lot about movies.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I cried when Paul Walker died. #SensitiveSide

Nah, but for real, when Vinny D was all like “we family” in Furious 7 I, like, legit cried.

You should message me if

If you’re Tila Tequila! Hey, I’m just bein real!

For serious, get at me if you want to have a craft cocktail with some superfluous smoke or something else no one understands, eat an unnecessarily bacon-wrapped app or two and get naked… maybe not in that order, amirite!?!?